I'll keep the background simple and straight to the point. My husband reached out to a friend that he grew up with and dated briefly for three months before we got together. They hadn't spoke in almost a decade. They began communicating via email in November and by December they were talking on the phone daily, sometimes more than once a day, sometimes for HOURS a time. He was feeling unhappy in our marriage but never communicated his unhappiness with me. He had expressed a desire to increase our frequency of lovemaking but never once told me he was unhappy.
At the same time, my dad who was battling cancer for two years, was at the end of his journey, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer and I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. (Lots of heavy stuff for me.). Regardless, my husband was involved in an emotional affair (long distance) for months without my knowledge. I have always been trusting and non-controlling. I don't get paper phone bills and never checked the online statement. Never had the urge to look at his phone. Never mistrusted him ever. In late February, he finally told me that he was "miserable, unhappy, soul-less, felt confined, restricted, wanted to be free". It was so out of the blue. I recommended couple's counseling immediately but he refused. I started going to individual's counseling the next week to figure out how I participated in his unhappiness. For the next several weeks, we would communicate often about his unhappiness. He said he was miserable for years but didn't want to burden me with his feelings while I was going through so much other stuff. He still refused couple's counseling. Was saying he wasn't sure if he wanted to work on the marriage or end it.
In early April, he said he needed to go to the mainland (we live in Hawaii) to "get away, clear his head, figure things out". I supported his decision completely. I even booked the plane tickets, rental car, etc. We didn't have money budgeted for this trip but I figured maybe a short time away could help him get grounded and go with the intent of figuring things out.
Well, he certainly had intentions, but the wrong ones. He purposely went back to him hometown because the other woman was going there as well for her grandmother's funeral. She was going without her husband but with her two small children. It's no surprise what happened next. Their emotional affair turned into a physical affair for the last three days they were together.
Upon his return, I asked if he was able to sort things out and he was really uncooperative. Saying I was demanding and controlling, etc. I went out to dinner with my best friend whom I had been talking with about the situation all along and she mentioned that the words he was using and the adjectives he was using to describe the way he was feeling and to describe me were words that he has never used before. She said it sounded like words coming from someone else's mouth. She mentioned that I should ask him if he was involved with another woman. I was shocked, taken aback. He would never do that. He comes from a solid, loving family. No divorce in his family lineage anywhere. He grew up in the south, with good morals and ethics. Anyway, I asked him when I got home from dinner and he got mad. "How dare you ask me that?!! How insulting!!". And that was that. About ten days later, after we had put our son to bed, he came in the bedroom and said, "Remember when you asked me if I was interested in another woman? Well, I wasn't being fully honest. I was unfaithful a little with xxx."
I was devastated. I told him to cut contact. He said he would. The next day, he said he cut contact and it was over. He agreed to couple's counseling. A week later, I decided to look at the phone bill and he had told her to call him on his work number which is connected to his regular cell number, so it is all on the same bill. I was, again, devastated. I called the woman to ask her to please back off to give my family space. She said she didn't owe me anything. I bagged up all of my husband's stuff and put it in the driveway. I told him to get out. He wouldn't leave. He said half the house is his. He said he didn't have money to go anywhere. He wound up borrowing money from his parents and got his own place.
He remained in contact with the woman heavily for the next couple of weeks. I spoke to her husband. He said he had known about it for months. Had called my husband several times to ask him to back off. "We are just friends". He said he read the emails they exchanged and they were very hurtful. "We are in love. We are soul mates. Our kids should be joined together as one family. We deserve happiness. Our spouse's don't understand us." We started couple's counseling. My husband said he didn't know if he could love me again. He had built a wall of resentment and wasn't sure if he could break it down. He said he was miserable for years. That he didn't understand the true meaning of marriage. That he felt restricted and confined. That he told me he needed more but I never gave it to him. On and on.
I allowed him to continue to emotional affair for a few more weeks, all the while he remained a part of my and my son's daily life. Hanging out at the house all the time, going to the beach together, going to parties together, eating dinner with us, coming and going as he pleases.
This was until two days ago. In our last couple's counseling session I read a letter that I composed. It said that our marriage could travel two paths. One in which we work together to rebuild a better, more loving marriage. Or one in which we transition out of the marriage. But in order for either of these paths to be pursued contact with the woman MUST be severed. If he chooses to cut contact then we can continue therapy and start healing (because these past few weeks have been pointless in that he was still involved with the other woman). If he chooses not to cut contact, then for my emotional well being I will set up boundaries. No contact with me, a schedule for our son, no family outings, all bills separated, and no coming to the house without permission. I gave him one week to decide. This Wednesday at our next session, he is to tell me what he decides. I will wait on the fence not a day longer. My emotional and physical well being and that of my son is more important than waiting for him to decide.
Question is: The way that he says he feels, is it just a justification in his head for having the affair? Is it from the fog? I don't discredit that he was probably unhappy, but "miserable" and for "years"? That's not how I remember our marriage! If he agrees to cut contact with the other woman, how long do I wait to see if he is willing to work on our marriage? How do I know he has really cut contact? If he doesn't cut contact, how long do I stay separated with the boundaries in place before seeking a divorce? Is he faced with a rocky bump in the marriage and wanting to run away because it's easier than working it out and facing the tornado that he selfishly created?