However, the general consensus here is that the AP(s) doesn't really matter - be they hookers, some friend of yours, or dating site folks. They are all the result of a similar set of broken in the WS, and the only thing that changes is what is most readily available to the WS.
I'm not really familiar with your situation, but I think any book that touches on boundaries, selfishness, self-centered-ness, and maybe low self esteem in the WS are good candidates. Basically anything in the affair isle of the book store.
[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 10:45 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]
For BSes, it's mainly getting through the trauma and processing grief over the loss of the relationship, anger, and fear. Usually BSes spend some time focusing on the ap, because that's sort of safe - it's easier to blame the ap than the WS, but getting past this is an important step. The ap really is irrelevant to the BS, unless the ap keeps intruding into the BS's life.
Recovery for the W is figuring out how to stop being a cheater and how to be a good partner. Part of that, I guess, is figuring out why s/he chose her/his particular path for cheating, but that's really only a small part of the healing process.
Your H's cheating dumped you into this awful soup. It doesn't much matter how you got here - the problem is getting out of the soup and into a happy life. Again, this is JMO.
[This message edited by sisoon at 7:53 AM, June 23rd (Monday)]
The ap really is irrelevant to the BS, unless the ap keeps intruding into the BS's life.
What if they are a relative? Do you think that still applies.
As for Hookers... yea, they are all the same in regards of information. The reality of it is, the problem is the lies, the secrecy and the energy they put into this affair to make them feel good about them self.
I think this general principle applies: a WS made commitments to the BS and violated them. The ap generally made no commitment to the BS. In a double betrayal, the implied commitment by the friend/relative is usually different from the M commitments, and in any case, the WS could have said 'No.'
Double betrayals are different, but I have no experience with this sort of thing, so I can't say how they're different.
JMO. Other people have different ideas about who commits to what in life, and they'll draw different conclusions, but I'm pretty well convinced that the BS's real issue is with the WS. I don't see how focusing on the ap helps resolve that.
Not saying your WH is SA, but the books suggested for SAs might have some advice for those who go beyond the world of an OW and jump into the realm of prostitutes and escorts and the like. Here they are:
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, by Patrick Carnes (workbook).
2. Recovery Zone, Patrick Carnes (workbook).
3. A Gentle Path, Patrick Carnes.
4. Hope and Freedom For Sexual Addicts and Their Partners, by Milton Magness.
5. Stop Sex Addiction, by Milton Magness.
6. Porn Nation by Michael Leahy, for SAs that are addicted to Porn.
It seems to me that some of the info these books discuss (especially if he feels shameful, if it felt impulsive or reckless, if he could use a tutorial on "lustful" vs "loving" thoughts (even toward you), then these could be helpful. Best wishes.
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 3:47 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]