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How to let go

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friday500 posted 6/22/2014 23:22 PM

I'm struggling. I don't know how to let go of him and I'm not even sure why. We haven't had a good marriage in years, he wants nothing to do with me or our teenage kids and hasn't for a long time. I supported him for the last 18 years while he spent most of his time with his pot smoking friends. After DD#1 about 15 years ago, he became abusive when I demanded it stop. Finally it did, but the marriage never truly recovered. I've wanted out for a while and earlier this year, he suddenly wanted out too. Then I realized DD#2 was why. It's like once I realized it, I forgot all the reasons I wanted out. I'm not sure why. He swore they were only friends, actually "best friends" who spent hours alone together, texting and calling daily. She doesn't work either, has had 2 live in boyfriends so far this year, didn't raise her kids, and can't apply for a job until she's "been clean" for enough days to pass a drug test. But she's younger than me, thinner and more attractive and apparently a lot more fun than me.

We were going to try R, but he refused to cut all ties with her saying I was crazy because they are only friends. A week ago, he moved in with her saying I forced him out and he has no where else to go. Something happened with them and he stayed only one night. He begged to come home and I wouldn't let him because the only reason he wanted to come back was because she ditched him. Had his plan worked, he would have forgotten me already. For three days he pleaded, saying he loved me and made a mistake. Sure enough, this week we accepted an offer on our house and guess who's back? And the pleading has stopped and turned to hostility. i.e. Monday he said he loved me so much he would die for me, Tuesday she's back and Friday he called me a dumb c@nt.

For reasons I do not understand, I feel heartbroken. I think of him having fun with her and how he treated me like nothing all these years. Yesterday was the first day I've had no contact with him. I made the mistake of looking at their facebook and yesterday they took her dog to a creek to play complete with pictures and a cute little "inside joke" post on her wall. Our 26th anniversary was last week on the day we accepted the offer on the house we've lived in for 23 years. It was a terrible emotional day and I really wanted to talk to him. He told me to call, but then refused to answer. She literally lives next to my workplace and of course, that's where he spent our anniversary. I can't seem to let go. I wonder all the time if he is there. I picture him talking and laughing and touching her, when he has wanted nothing to do with me for so long. I just want to forget about him, but I can't. When I'm at work, because of their proximity, it is very difficult for me not look to see if his car is there. He left me for her, why can't I seem to get it into my head that he does not want me or our kids?! Please tell me how you got through this. How did you let go? I can't seem to turn off the fact the he is no longer my husband (well technically he is until the divorce is final). It is making me crazy and miserable. He has been so bad to me and I should be glad he did me a favor. But it is the ultimate rejection and I can't get past the hurt. We haven't been happy for a long time. But it feels unfair that he is so happy with her and I feel like I will never be. I am miserable and he is having fun with her. I feel stupid.

bigskyblues posted 6/23/2014 04:23 AM

friday, what you are feeling is very normal. You also need to realize that his "happiness" that you are seeing is just a part of the fantasy. The wh and ow are two broken people that deserve each other. Their happiness will turn to abuse and neglect for each other just as he abused and neglected you and your children.

The answer is TIME. Take the time to work on healing you and your children. Love yourself, love your children and in time your happiness will return and it will be real happiness. I was married for about the same amount of time as you, I too was devastated by the A's and the D. I can tell you I am happier now in so any ways than I have ever been .

But she's younger than me, thinner and more attractive and apparently a lot more fun than me.
We have all been in this boat as well. One thing we can all tell you with certainty is the poor decisions your wh made have nothing at all to do with you. Those decisions were made because of your wh is simply broken. You didn't break him and it is not possible for you to fix him. That's his job and obviously he isn't going to get it done. You are not stupid, you are decent, decent seems hard to come by these days.

Choices about R and D are hard choices to make. Your wh obviously isn't interested in fixing himself and if you haven't already done so get to an attorney ASAP. You have to quit worrying about what is best for him, it is all about you and your children now! File for D to protect you and your children.

In reading your post there so many obvious problems with your wh. But, as a man, a dad, a brother, a son; any man that calls any women let alone the mother of his children a c@nt is such a worthless piece of $h!t that he isn't worth holding on to!

I wish you and your children the very best!


Sad in AZ posted 6/23/2014 06:57 AM

My take on this is that it's more about 'losing' than losing him. No one likes to come in second, especially to someone you consider inferior. Your self-esteem is damaged. You put a lot of work into your relationship, and now you're being traded out for a different model. Of course she's more fun; she didn't have to carry his dead weight for years.

It may take a while, but once you realize how much better off you are without him, you will let go.

phmh posted 6/23/2014 07:04 AM

The book "Getting Past Your Breakup" was very helpful to me.

I've also heard really good things about "Journey From Abandonment to Healing" but I never read that one.

Good luck -- I know this is so tough. But better things do await you once you heal!!!

friday500 posted 6/26/2014 22:28 PM

Thank you. I am still very much struggling. I was off today and spent most of the day crying after I had to meet him at the bank about a financial issue. He is so cold to me. He's taking her and her kids to a concert this weekend; a real kick in the face since twice in the past couple of years he refused to go to concerts with me and our kids. When I left work tonight, I saw them going in her house. She's wearing a very short strapless dress and I know every move he will make tonight with her. I can't stop crying and my stomach hurts thinking about it. I need to read the books mentioned or something, otherwise I'm afraid I'm going to lose my mind. He was a bad husband and father, but it hurts me to the core that for him, I am the flawed one that had to be tossed aside for something better.

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