SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Shattered031307 posted 6/23/2014 07:23 AM

NOW - today, just found that HE had forwarded pictures of this woman to one of his email addresses from his "WhatsApp" (a message service that we used as a family to communicate during the, nearly 3 years, he lived and worked in Saudia Arabia.) 1 pic is of them standing side-by-side "together" where he had cooked a turkey, others are her selfies and several of her with a vibrator "down there".

Last March, and since, I begged him (I've never done this in my marriage) to come home and quit his job in Saudi Arabia after nearly 3 years of being there because life was getting too hard with the kids, the house, cars, college, and my medical issues (chronic pain illness).

I am so upset and sad that the last three years of loneliness and desolation could have possibly had a brighter ending. Finished with a divorce and starting a new chapter. It has been such a long road for me, holding down the house that is too big to keep clean, completing all the repairs that he was supposed to do the year he sat on his butt after retirement, looking for a job. Saving up 12k to have new windows put in, saving 4,500k for a new a/c unit, one kid off to college, the other making stupid mistakes that require me to have to talk with the police. Getting caught up in the Target scandal, a new set of add this to your overfilled teaching plate, a new crazy boss AND a damn thief who stole the other debit card and went on a spending spree in 3 jurisdictions. Did I mention my surgery?! Yea, I've been very slow and bored, I needed my partner in life to just split me open and scrape me raw.

Shattered031307 posted 6/23/2014 08:37 AM

An hour later and no one responds...ouch

jo2love posted 6/23/2014 08:42 AM

(((((Shattered031307)))))

I'm so sorry. My heart aches for what you are going through. If I could, I'd hug you through the screen. Sending you strength and a shoulder to lean on.

StrongerOne posted 6/23/2014 08:42 AM

I'm sorry no one responded earlier, Shattered.

I don't have the same experience, but I know someone else will be along soon.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this again, and that your life has been so stressful aside from you WH's selfish cruel behavior. Can you take a few days off from work? Do you have anyone IRL to lean on?

Big hugs -- please let us know how you are doing. Be kind to yourself.

sunflowergirl30 posted 6/23/2014 08:47 AM

I have been a member since 2010. I havent posted much over the last few yrs. I mostly just read and lurk. I just wanted you to know I hear you and Im sorry for the pain you are feeling. I see others have commented now too.

ineedtoleave posted 6/23/2014 08:49 AM

I'm so sorry (((Shattered)))..... He's not who you thought he was, and he certainly doesn't have your back. You deserve someone who will love and cherish you... and it's not him. I lived on my own for 3 years before I met WH, and believe me, I miss them. Think of the freedom of no worry from that direction. Let it go. We're here for you!

imagoodwitch posted 6/23/2014 08:53 AM

((((Shattered))))

This is something we BS' fear.

So is she there with him?

I can only tell you what I would do, lawyer up, now.

It stinks when you realize you wasted you time trying to R with someone who wasn't committed to you.

You deserve better, much better.

inknots posted 6/23/2014 08:59 AM

I am so sorry. I don't know your story. Did he go to IC originally? Is this the same OW from 7 years ago? Is she in Saudi Arabia? I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have always been in the marriage alone, doing everything by yourself.

BelleStar posted 6/23/2014 09:37 AM

I am sooo sorry you are back here. I had the same expierence and now looking back, I wish I never gave him a second chance. My health and well being took a hit after the 1st one and I totaly wasted my time hoping he'd get his head out of his ass.

If there is a bright side, I don't have to worry about anyone but me now!

kiki1 posted 6/23/2014 09:40 AM

((((shattered))))

FTG

tushnurse posted 6/23/2014 09:46 AM

(((Shattered)))

It is extremely painful to go through this once, I can't imagine a second go round.

But try to think of the positive things you have now.
1. You will get that tumor of a soul sucking spouse excised from your life, and it will most likely have a positive impact on your overall health.

2. You have proven to yourself and everyone else that you CAN and Will survive on your own, with him being gone.

3. You can now focus on you, your kids, and getting strong and healthy with no need to feel guilt, or manipulations.

It hurts like hell we all know that, perhaps it's time to sit down, and make the To Do list for the next week.

Remember to be kind to you. Eat, Hydrate, Sleep. Do one nice thing for yourself every day.

((((and strength)))

hopefull77 posted 6/23/2014 10:00 AM

I am sorry you find yourself here needing support again....but I feel you know what you need to do....
I wish you strength and peace...you and your kids FIRST

steppingup posted 6/23/2014 11:58 AM

I know exactly how you feel. Unrepentant cheaters are the Devil's poision gift to mankind, so much pain and destruction comes from the cheater's life and there is little we can do about it. Begging, nope only gives them power. Trying to reason with them, nope you cannot reason with people that are slaves to their feelings and have small egos that must be constantly feed. Im so sorry for you, I wish I was the only one that had to feel this pain, it is beyond describable. My wife saids she is sorry that she hurt me deeply, she cannot fathom the pain, it cannot be calculated or measured. The way it changes us, makes us into new creatures, new creatures that need new spouses that really love us and dont just say it while they are cheating behind our backs. Wishing you a strong and healthful personal recovery. God bless you and your children as you navigate this unforture.

theroadahead posted 6/23/2014 12:22 PM

((((Shattered)))) I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better. Sending you strength.

tabitha95 posted 6/23/2014 12:22 PM

I had a second d-day a few years later. I was pissed off that I wasted those years as the only person working on the marriage, but it also gave me a reason to get out of an unhappy situation knowing that I did everything I could to fix the marriage. I would have felt like a failure if I hadn't at least tried...so when I put it in to perspective for myself (and my kids), I stopped feeling like the time was wasted. After d-day 2, I was free and I have used the last three years to start over and find me again.

Whatever you decide to do, do it this time for YOU. Not for the marriage, not for the kids, not for your POS WH.

StillStanding1 posted 6/23/2014 14:40 PM

This is a BS's worst nightmare. I have no good advice, just want to say I am so very sorry you are in this situation.

You deserve better. I hope you will get out and find it. Time for extra high-heeled bitch boots.

You are worthy of so much more. Believe that.

Tearsoflove posted 6/23/2014 15:35 PM

I, too, had a second dday 7 years after the first. In both cases, my husband was gone during his affairs. The first time, it was a one year military tour in another country. While I was getting bills paid down, taking care of three kids, and trying to complete a college degree, he was partying it up, going through money like water, and sleeping with a girl only a little older than our kids who had already slept with several of his coworkers before he got there. Thanks for the HPV, whore! But I digress.

The second affair was 5 years after he retired and while he was sent to another state for the military contractor he now worked for. Despite us discussing where we were and my concerns about his having another affair and his assuring me that it would never happen again, he was in an affair within 3 weeks of arriving in that state.

The first time, I knew something was wrong as soon as he was home on leave and he couldn't look me in the eye, maintain an erection, or tell me he loved me. The second time, I had absolutely no clue he had cheated until I got a call at work from her husband. He even looked me in the eye and promised he never slept with her. He definitely got better at lying over seven years.

After the first affair, I sought help for my issues that he convinced me caused his affair. He assured me that it happened because I was too controlling and he never got to make any decisions. His behavior was so uncharacteristic, I knew he was really thinking about ending our marriage. I saw the therapist for "my issues" for as long as I was able to. My husband told me afterward, he never expected me to work so hard. I had some good reasons. I was afraid of losing my husband and I sure as hell wasn't going to let the OW win.

We did everything he wanted to keep him happy. I believed that I'd been such a tyrant that he'd never gotten anything so now he was getting everything. New motorcycle. Check. New home where he wanted it. Check. Huge garage at new home. Check. New tools for huge garage. Check.

What did he do to figure out why he cheated and how to prevent it in the future? Nothing really. He said the superficial words but he didn't read a book, see a counselor, or even do a google search.

Fast forward to affair number two. I was home taking care of everything, again. Right after he left, our insurance company said certain things had to be fixed at our house or they were dropping us. I used power tools for the first time in my life. While I was trying to figure out how to replace bad wood and close in a door he'd taken out, he was beginning his affair. This time, it hurt but I wasn't shocked. I already knew he was capable. He tried to pull the same crap and said "You're too controlling and I never get to make any decisions." I said "Really? Then you should get down on your knees and thank me because you have a lot of nice shit for someone who never made a decision." When he tried the "You're trying to pick my friends" (because at that time, he was insisting he hadn't slept with OW), I told him he could have all the friends he wanted. He just couldn't do that and be married to me. I told him he had terrible boundaries with women and I wasn't tolerating anymore female friendships. And I told him that, this time, he was going to do the work or I was done. I was not letting him blame his bad behavior on me this time. This time, I wasn't afraid of losing him and there was no competition with the OW. She had her own marriage to worry about and she was just a piece of ass.

I don't know what to tell you to fix this, Shattered. Don't let him blame you. He made his choices knowing you were home taking care of everything. That makes him a dog and you one hell of a catch. Instead of him appreciating you holding it all together, he took advantage of it. If you're going to reconcile, make him do the work. If my husband hadn't, I wouldn't still be here. I didn't want to be in the same place in another seven years. And if mine ever does it again, I'm done. One of the things mine always feared was the scorched earth behind me when I'm pissed off. I'll light it all on fire on my way out the door before I'll let him have any of it if he does this to me again.

seethelight posted 6/23/2014 15:43 PM

Don't let him blame you.

I agree with this, absolutely do not allow him to blameshift.

He made his choices knowing you were home taking care of everything. That makes him a dog and you one hell of a catch.

Yes. Do not allow him to blamehift and damage your self esteem.

Instead of him appreciating you holding it all together, he took advantage of it. If you're going to reconcile, make him do the work.

Exactly.

goingthru posted 6/23/2014 15:56 PM

I'm so sorry, Shattered. It sounds like you've been dealing with so much, alone. I'm sorry he hasn't been there for you and he's betrayed you again.

I know what it's like to Wish and Hope that the man you Think is there will come back when you really need him.

Don't beat yourself up over coulda/woulda/shoulda's. It sounds like you know what you have to do now to move forward today. You can't change the past.

I hope you are in IC and have some support to get through all of this, one day at a time. In my experience, waiting on help that will never come is worse than any hardship that you will have to experience alone. I hope you can stay strong, take care of yourself, and keep the focus on yourself and your kids.

shygirl07 posted 6/23/2014 16:59 PM

Sorry no one posted earlier, it sounds like life is testing you right now but if he were a stand up man he would be there by your side instead of letting this happen and not beign there to support you,... after my devastating break up, my car was totaled , I dealt with some major debt from the past, etc etc but you will make it through with or without this selfish loser... big hugs to you