I, too, had a second dday 7 years after the first. In both cases, my husband was gone during his affairs. The first time, it was a one year military tour in another country. While I was getting bills paid down, taking care of three kids, and trying to complete a college degree, he was partying it up, going through money like water, and sleeping with a girl only a little older than our kids who had already slept with several of his coworkers before he got there. Thanks for the HPV, whore! But I digress.
The second affair was 5 years after he retired and while he was sent to another state for the military contractor he now worked for. Despite us discussing where we were and my concerns about his having another affair and his assuring me that it would never happen again, he was in an affair within 3 weeks of arriving in that state.
The first time, I knew something was wrong as soon as he was home on leave and he couldn't look me in the eye, maintain an erection, or tell me he loved me. The second time, I had absolutely no clue he had cheated until I got a call at work from her husband. He even looked me in the eye and promised he never slept with her. He definitely got better at lying over seven years.
After the first affair, I sought help for my issues that he convinced me caused his affair. He assured me that it happened because I was too controlling and he never got to make any decisions. His behavior was so uncharacteristic, I knew he was really thinking about ending our marriage. I saw the therapist for "my issues" for as long as I was able to. My husband told me afterward, he never expected me to work so hard. I had some good reasons. I was afraid of losing my husband and I sure as hell wasn't going to let the OW win.
We did everything he wanted to keep him happy. I believed that I'd been such a tyrant that he'd never gotten anything so now he was getting everything. New motorcycle. Check. New home where he wanted it. Check. Huge garage at new home. Check. New tools for huge garage. Check.
What did he do to figure out why he cheated and how to prevent it in the future? Nothing really. He said the superficial words but he didn't read a book, see a counselor, or even do a google search.
Fast forward to affair number two. I was home taking care of everything, again. Right after he left, our insurance company said certain things had to be fixed at our house or they were dropping us. I used power tools for the first time in my life. While I was trying to figure out how to replace bad wood and close in a door he'd taken out, he was beginning his affair. This time, it hurt but I wasn't shocked. I already knew he was capable. He tried to pull the same crap and said "You're too controlling and I never get to make any decisions." I said "Really? Then you should get down on your knees and thank me because you have a lot of nice shit for someone who never made a decision." When he tried the "You're trying to pick my friends" (because at that time, he was insisting he hadn't slept with OW), I told him he could have all the friends he wanted. He just couldn't do that and be married to me. I told him he had terrible boundaries with women and I wasn't tolerating anymore female friendships. And I told him that, this time, he was going to do the work or I was done. I was not letting him blame his bad behavior on me this time. This time, I wasn't afraid of losing him and there was no competition with the OW. She had her own marriage to worry about and she was just a piece of ass.
I don't know what to tell you to fix this, Shattered. Don't let him blame you. He made his choices knowing you were home taking care of everything. That makes him a dog and you one hell of a catch. Instead of him appreciating you holding it all together, he took advantage of it. If you're going to reconcile, make him do the work. If my husband hadn't, I wouldn't still be here. I didn't want to be in the same place in another seven years. And if mine ever does it again, I'm done. One of the things mine always feared was the scorched earth behind me when I'm pissed off. I'll light it all on fire on my way out the door before I'll let him have any of it if he does this to me again.