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How to deal with seeing AP all the time

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Lost74 posted 6/23/2014 10:55 AM

My AP lives in our neighborhood--not on the same street, but one block over. He drives by our house to exit the neighborhood (our house is on the corner). He could go another route but doesn't. I know this triggers my Bh and I am worried it will hinder reconciliation. I told my Bh we can sell our house and move but Bh says that he is not "running away" from AP and this is his house and he is not leaving because of my stupidity. If he is outside and Ap is driving by he stops what he is doing and stares at him angrily. If I see his truck approaching, I turn away ASAP and do not even glance up or around until I'm sure he's gone. Has anyone dealt with having to see an AP every day, sometimes multiple times in one day? I know it's a huge trigger and tramatic for my Bh and it does trigger me (can ws have triggers?) also as I want no contact with AP.

floridaredman posted 6/23/2014 11:19 AM

It slows down and in some cases prevents reconciliation with continued contact of any kind with the AP. It's possible but not prudent.

rachelc posted 6/23/2014 11:44 AM

Things got so much better for us when my AP moved away. Then, no worries from either side. Of course the wheels fell off the bus in the other direction but that's a different thread.
I hope your husband doesn't continue to be traumatized. I'm not sure it would be running away if you moved or got a different house. I see it as taking care of yourself and the marriage. The constant reminders just aren't good.....

Lost74 posted 6/23/2014 11:55 AM

Thanks for the replies! I want to move even though we would likely lose money on the house, but we could recover. My Bh is in the anger phase and any time I bring up the topic of moving, he just gets very mad. I wish that AP would move like yours did but that is unlikely.

LosferWords posted 6/23/2014 11:55 AM

Waywards can absolutely have triggers.

As a wayward, one of the goals is to completely purge the AP out of your life, including any amount of mental space that they may be taking up in your mind. Hard to do if you are seeing them drive by your house on a regular basis.

I can totally see where your husband is coming from as well. He didn't do anything wrong, why should he have to move? The AP is encroaching upon his territory. Your husband is putting his foot down, and not being intimidated by this guy. That takes some backbone. Your husband is a good man.

I hope your husband can eventually find some peace in his own neighborhood. If not, perhaps the topic of moving should possibly be brought up again eventually. It's not about running away, it is about feeling safe and comfortable where he lives. That goes for you, too.

isthismynewlife posted 6/23/2014 13:33 PM

BS here - my WH AP lives directly across the street. It is a very hard situation that is uncomfortable for all involved. We used to spend lots of time out front with the kids playing and just hanging out with the neighborhood. We are now at times prisoners in our own home. My H has suggested moving but I truly feel like your husband does - I will not run away, nor will I lose my home and tear my kids from their home/school/friends because he decided to be an idiot. I think I've lost a lot already to his A and am not ready to give up my home.
I've gotten better at having to see OW. It can trigger me, but my H has truly stepped up and comforts me when it does. It doesn't always trigger me anymore. The total panic is no longer there, even the hate/anger is fading. Now it's more the meh - there she is. Having to see her (both of us) on a regular basis has made us have to deal with it head on.
For my H - it does trigger him. Makes him feel physically ill seeing her, makes him anxious and makes him worry about me and my reactions. Same for when he has to see her BH (his former friend). Seeing either of them makes him come inside.
But this is an improvement - we at least have ventured out again. Reclaiming our space some. It is hard and at times it feels unbearable, but we are working thru it together.
Be there for your H each time he has to see your AP, hold him and let him know over and over how sorry you are, how you hate that he is having to experience this and never stop letting him know you love him and will be there beside him to help in anyway. That is what's helping me.

bionicgal posted 6/23/2014 13:52 PM

Lost,
BS here.
I assume your dday is fairly recent. My H's AP lives a few blocks away, so I get it, and if she could drive by our house every day just to remind us of her presence, I am sure she would.

It has been a year, and I am getting better at seeing her out in public - I not so shaky/hurt/irritated. I honestly think it will be kind of like an innoculation for your BS eventually. Your H will get used to it. But, if he were to feel strongly about moving, then you should. It will get better though, I promise.

The AP may be a bit of a narcissist, or else he is just inconsiderate and clueless, so tell your H the thing that will make AP the angriest, is pretending he doesn't exist. I wouldn't glare at him - I would pretend he is invisible man, driving an invisible truck. Because really, that is how important he is.

Darkness Falls posted 6/23/2014 17:01 PM

I see the AP on average a couple of times per week. XH sees him less. We all work for the same company. It sucks seeing him. It has not hindered R but it definitely sets back my personal healing every time I have to deal with him (occasionally, but rarely, it is unavoidable that we interact). I hope to be able to leave that place of work someday, but until then I just remain detached and businesslike.

Lost74 posted 6/24/2014 08:36 AM

Losforwords-he is a good man and I want to be supportive of him and his decision to not want to move. I am hoping with time it becomes easier when we have to see him drive-by. We are almost 6 months out from D-Day. Isthismylife-I too feel like a prisoner in my own home sometimes. I will look out the window or peak out the door before going outside because I don't want to see the AP. I was usually the one telling the kids they need to go outside and play but now I find myself wanting them to stay indoors. I'm just so angry at myself for putting us in this horrible position. We are living like this as a result of my betrayal.

JustWant2BHappy posted 6/24/2014 10:58 AM

I'm glad for this post, it has helped me a lot, so thank you. My AP is within 5mins of our house and it's been about 6 weeks since my 2nd attempt at NC. I have not yet run into him and my BS thinks it's only a matter of time. He's very nervous about me seeing him and is afraid that I will break NC if/when I do. I have tried to assure him that will not happen even though it did in the past. I'm a better person after this past 6 weeks. I dove head first into IC an am working very hard on becoming a stronger / better person than the cheating, liar I was for 6months. I was a trainwreck and am fighting hard to get out of that place. He is trying to believe that but of course at this point can't trust me.
I guess I am also nervous about seeing AP. Yes, I am upset with him and myself over numerous things, but I also cared deeply for him. But, I Love my husband and my children and the life we are trying to rebuild together and NC is a Must. I wish he didn't live close so that I would know that there was no chance of running into him. Affairs are not pretty. I would not wish this on anyone.

Lost74 posted 6/24/2014 15:30 PM

Justwant2Bhappy--i'm glad this post has been helpful for you. I know it is hard and it is a daily struggle sometimes. But like you I love my husband and my family and I in no way plan to break NC. In my case, on dday when my world came crashing down, I was done at that point and had no desire to have any contact with my AP again. I wish you all the best in your reconciliation--keep fighting to be the person you want to be!!

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