We had the divorce/separation talk again last night.
She doesn't want to do things with me. She doesn't love me. She doesn't want to leave because of our son. "Staying is 100 times easier than leaving". But yet she wants to leave. She thinks the only way to reconcile would be to date me again after we separate. But she has no interest in doing that right now, and then there's that whole I'm-Boring aspect. "You're not much of anything right now" she said. Well, what am I supposed to do when my son is home from school all summer. He'd have to go wherever I go if I go anywhere. The things I do are with him. He loves laser tag. So I pony up the dough and run around in there with him: the only adult in a room full of <10 year olds.
We don't use sitters or people we don't know or trust, and we only ask the neighbors when we really need to. Anyway, basically, I have nobody to watch him. And where would I go and who with?
There aren't meetups for wayward spouses in my area (I checked!).
She still calls me dear and is comforted by me. After all, we're best friends. She "just doesn't want my mouth on her mouth".
She feels my last post painted an inaccurate picture of her, especially how she shaved her legs naked while talking to me. So maybe she should stop doing that, and/or stop sleeping in just her panties, which she does for comfort/being-too-warm reasons.
Either of us sleeping upstairs would just be awkward, and for our son. She doesn't mind me sleeping in there with her even though it changes nothing. She says she doesn't want to be misleading. Even if there's no sex I feel like touching her gently and having some kind of physical connection to her could make things better. Maybe I'm just grasping at straws.
I stayed on my side last night. Except halfway through the night I just had to put my hand on her shoulder. And scoot closer, and rub her back while she slept. And scoot closer, and hold her increasingly tighter while she lay there snoring.
Then, overwhelmed, I started sobbing. She patted my leg. I blew my nose and went back to sleep.
I woke up not wanting to do much of anything, depressed. She made breakfast and seemed generally cheery.
I told her I felt guilty because I was glad we had our son (because he's preventing her from leaving, basically). I got no response. I don't think she's ready to divide up our stuffs and she doesn't have much earning power by herself, and staying with her divorced friend isn't going to be the best idea even though it might sound like fun.
I think she's planning on using our MC as her own IC now.
I told her people here just think she needs time to process. She says she's had 2 months to process. I told her I read not to make any decisions for 6 months. She told me she's read some people say 2 to 4 months. She tells me I did this to her twice and she's glad I'm working on my own stuff because that will be a big help towards whoever ends up with me in the future.
She doesn't want to stay and be unhappy. She doesn't want to go because of our son. At least here we're all in the same place.
I feel numb, depressed, anxious. Is this the beginning of the plain of lethal flatness? She says she forgives my affairs and now it's all about her. She's working on herself and "has no interest" in working on us. She doesn't want me to read to her or be depressing. She doesn't want to do or plan "family" activities. When she's home she wants to watch tv, or use her computer. But then she says the only thing we have in common is watching tv together.
She came home early from work yesterday and we all cooked dinner together.
Then we watched 3 hours of tv. Then we went into the bedroom after putting our son to bed and she suggested watching something else before bed on netflix. I suggested talking. So we talked.
My son has been through a lot already and he cries randomly at the thought of his mom leaving. He
says he heard her loud voice and my crying during
one talk we had. He misses the other couple's kids and wishes he could see them "one last time".
To cheer himself up, he told me something he heard: "friends come and go but family stays". He
convinces himself that they weren't really his friends and they were only together because we and the other couple forced them to be together. I'm gentle with him. I tell him none of it is his fault. I tell him it would be realistically impossible to see them again and wouldn't make things better because they still couldn't be friends. I tell him he has other friends and that
his mom and I love him no matter what.
I go from trying to cheer myself up, to pretending everything is OK, to being overwhelmed with grief and sadness, to wanting to avoid my BW and give her space, to wanting desperately to touch her and
hold her, to somehow come up with the perfect combination of words I can tell her to fix things.
We showed up at her work, dressed to the nines and with roses. He was so handsome she had all the girl waitresses come over and dance with him. She had a huge smile on her face the whole time.
She said it's possible to fully appreciate those gestures while still feeling nothing towards me.
I'm having a hard time concentrating on work and I'm dreading what tonight will bring. Will it be a good night? A bad night? An indifferent/numb night? Is tonight the night we sleep apart? Will I ever be intimate with her ever again? Will she stay, if only for our son? Will things improve? Will they stay in limbo for years until he's old enough for her to leave me? What can I do in the meanwhile to be able to live with myself and each other. I feel like the guy in the lego movie. Boring and forgettable. I can't compete with all the interesting stories her restaurant people have. I spent years of my time working too hard, and spending too much time doing martial arts, and being at home, playing video games or watching tv.
We've had a few fun family vacations, and we *have* been through a lot together. I feel stuck. I know some of you are in the same boat as me. I know your advice isn't any different than what I got yesterday and nothing is going to change in one day.
Continue digging into myself. Continue finding healthy coping mechanisms and ways to relax. Continue listening to her and empathizing. I've read the letters from BS to WS in the other threads. I know it's just as hard for her to be with me. I know *I'm* the biggest trigger of all. My whole house is made of eggshells. No wonder she wants to spend as much time at work as possible.
No wonder she dreads coming home.
When she got home a few days ago I didn't greet her. She says loudly several minutes later: "Nobody said hi to me when I got home". I said, well, I wanted to give you your space and not smother you the second you get home sort-of-thing.
We have this new habit now where she leaves for work, and then I stand by the inner garage door and we wave to each other until she closes the outer door from within the car.
One time I went somewhere and she did the same for me.
This morning she announced she was leaving, I went out there and waved. We smiled at each other as usual.
Shared jokes, smiles, remnants of our former happiness, terms of endearment, acts of service, words of affection. She continues asking me how she looks when she's all dressed up for work. She's more beautiful than ever. It's not all doom and gloom. She could've left already and decided to figure out a way to not live here. I'm afraid to have hope and I don't know what to do with myself half the time.
I thought venting more would make me feel better, but no, about the same.