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sadgirl48 posted 6/23/2014 12:56 PM

This is so hard to post I am a very private person but this really feels like I am standing in what used to be my life and it has been set on fire and reduced to ash. Quick synopsis..married 23 years 2 great kids(teenagers) he started to become distant from asall of us about 2 yrs ago. I tried everything the answer was always the same nothing is wrong. I found the text message April 2013. By that point they were already at I Love You. He denied everything all summer and I actually pushed it away and believed him! By December he was not even trying to give plausible explanations for his distance and coldness. He came clean in Jan after a wretched Christmas.Her husband came to see me in Jan and yay I found out they had been involved for over 3 years. They had their new life planned out and it did not involve me OR HIS KIDS. Fast forward we are legally seperated and I am doing fine financially. He is fair and we are actually talking but I do not know how to act! I am furious and so sad that the person I married is gone forever.His relationship with his kids is pathetic at best and I feel like it is my responsibility to try and fix it.I just dont know what to say when people ask me how i am..Terrible but pretending to be ok?

saturnpatrick posted 6/23/2014 13:31 PM

Wow sadgirl that sounds awful.

I don't have much advice for you other than this is not your fault. There was not something better about the OW(other woman). The A(affair) is a symptom of something broken within your husband.

His poor relationship with his kids may be related. Unfortunately there isn't a lot you can do to 'make' him do something. Others may disagree, I believe the way your husband interacts with your kids is not your problem to fix. He may just be a loser of a dad and that is on him, not on you.

I suggest reading the healing library in the yellow box in the upper left hand corner. Lots of great information in there.

Others will be along with more advice before long.

Skan posted 6/23/2014 17:24 PM

Hey there. I'm glad that you found us for support.

His relationship with his kids is his problem. He created this mess, it's not up to you to try to fix it. He fired you from being his wife. He no longer gets any of the benefits, including you trying to mediate between the children and him.

How do you act? As if you are doing business with a business associate who is rather a jerk. Polite, to the point, discussions of finances and children only. Nothing else. He gets no comfort from you, no support, nothing but disinterested and dispassionate business discussions. Then you call it a day and walk away. Remember. He fired you from being his wife. You don't stay chummy with the man/company who fired you unfairly. You do your business and then leave them in the dust.

Frankly, if/when people ask how you are, you can have several answers. For strangers and not close acquaintances, "fine, thank you, and you?" will work just fine. For anyone that you are close to, "as well as can be expected," might be in order. Only with your close friends/family, who have your back completely, would I personally go any deeper than that. Remember, YOU did nothing wrong. Keep your self dignity and respect. Don't give other people ammo because of their prurient curiosity.

Come back often for support. We're all here for you! (((hugs)))

Chrysalis123 posted 6/23/2014 19:45 PM

Oh boy, I am glad you found us. The best group you never want to find.

(((Sad girl))))

I know the urge to fix the relationship with the kids. Not your problem. I also know I was enraged that he did this to our precious kids. That took a long time for me to be able to accept and be able to keep NC over.

At first, when people asked me how I was I would say, " I am having a hard time adjusting to the idea he has had a girlfriend for years."

People that didn't know me well would stammer and walk off. People that did know me well appreciated the honesty. From there I could discern if they were a friend of me and the kids or not.

If they sided with the ex, I let them go.

Keep posting...lots of wisdom to be found here.

sadgirl48 posted 6/24/2014 09:36 AM

Thanks to everybody for the advice. There is another issue that wont go away namely the OW husband. He hates my husband and wants to use me to hurt him. I am tired of other people planning my life for me! This feels like I am caught in some sort of crazy ride and I cannot get off.
I am really trying to limit conversation with my husband but it is hard he knows how to make me feel sorry for him.I guess the truth is that I still love him but realize he does not feel the same way. It is not easy realizing you are completly 100% replaceable.

norabird posted 6/24/2014 10:02 AM

I am so sorry. It is hard but please stop sharing your feelings with your husband. In fact stop thinking of him as your husband. It hurts but he is not anymore--he is some pod person in your husband's body. The man you loved and married is gone. The sooner you stop looking for him and work on accepting the loss, the better off you will be. Keeping the old ties to him is just going to make the process more agonizing. Protect yourself by insulating yourself from him and do not open up anymore or make yourself vulnerable. It's hard--you'll fail, but just brush yourself off and keep trying. And it sounds like you need some boundaries set for the other betrayed husband. I'm sorry he is trying to use you as a weapon. Also, as the others said, as much as it sucks, his relationship with his kids is on him. Just be as supportive of them as you can but they will have to navigate the relationship with their dad now on their own. It is no longer your responsibility.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/24/2014 10:18 AM

I guess the OW's husband is smart enough to know that putting your husband's head through a brick wall - even though he sorely deserves it - ain't worth the personal sacrifice of going to jail. Smart man.

Why are you still communicating with your husband? He made a choice, let him LIE in the bed he created.

Staying involved with him in any way just tells him you're weak and would take him back in a heartbeat. THAT knowledge allows him to take advantage of you AND it tells him that if his shitty little 'relationship' with his OW fails, good old Sadgirl is only TOO happy to lay on the ground and let him wipe his shoes on her back on his way back into the house.

Seriously, find your self respect and slam the door on him. Stop giving him the emotional fulfillment of still being able to have his foot in the door of this old life while he wants to be a greedy pig and have his NEW life with another woman.

Stop giving him BOTH.

hopefull77 posted 6/24/2014 10:45 AM

I am sorry for your pain....all the advice is good here I am sure it feels easier said than done...
But moving forward is the best way out of your kids how you want and expect to be treated....hold your head high and personally I think NC with the OW and her BS is best for you....get into IC it will help you find the strength you need to get through this....your job is to care for yourself and your kids

I wish you peace

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