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At a crossroads...need help/advice...

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djones0730 posted 6/23/2014 14:01 PM

My wife and I have been married for over 11 years now, and were in a relationship 3 years before that. In the last couple of years since coming back to the states for my military, my wife went out and had off and on affair (instead of discussing with me that she was unhappy with certain things for some time). Made for a miserable 2012 and early 2013. Over the past year, I thought that we were slowly working things out to get back on the path of a good marriage, but it seemed that I was doing most of the work. Initially, she wanted to separated to see how things would work, but changed her mind earlier this year stating that she really wanted to work on the marriage. As of the end of last month, I thought things were going on path to recovery. We planned a weekend trip with just me and her to "get everything out in the open". Long story short...she told me the month of our anniversary, she had one last "fling" with the person she was having an affair with. The end result: she ended up getting pregnant. Karma is something else...She is said she deeply regrets this happening (I believe her). I do love her, still love her, and really want this work...but THIS is a serious complication. She is carrying another man's baby!!! Not to mention I have told her that if this is to work, she is to have NO contact with this guy she was messing around with AT ALL!!! She doesn't want to have an abortion, and I kinda agree with her...but I am not sure I want to care for a child that is NOT mine biologically and conceived from infidelity. I am trying to use my firm foundation that I have laid down with God over the past year to determine. I have had nightmares about this over the past few weeks. I am trying to get her to understand on what she is expecting of me. She has told me that she will understand what I want to do, but she really wishes we could work this out. Not to mention the fact that we have two young kids that will be affected by this as well!!! Only one other person knows about this...but soon people are going to start seeing signs she is pregnant. I don't want to lie and say "hey, WE are getting ready to have another baby!" Also what if the baby's father decides he wants to be in the child's life (even though he wanted her to get an abortion and not tell me)? I would like to be with her...I am having issues on deciding I should. Help/advice (spiritual/legal)PLEASE??? I am a 20 year military veteran and have been trying to find more happiness since I have been retired. This one "piece" to my "puzzle" that I am trying to resolve...

Coma posted 6/23/2014 14:08 PM

My friend

I am sorry for your dilemma and i don't envy you the choices you must make. All i can say to you is do not hold the child responsible for her mothers actions.

That being said....I also have a daughter that is not of my blood but has had my heart since birth. I love her dearly and the only thing that scares me is that her bio father has more rights to her than i do as the man that is raising her.

Our court system needs to start addressing this issue for us guys.

Schadenfreude posted 6/23/2014 14:39 PM

Go to I Can Relate. In that section is a very long thread called OC. Many stories, replies, words of wisdom, etc. I have no experience so I'm offering only this.

Ostrich80 posted 6/23/2014 14:48 PM

Does the om know about the pregnancy. I would assume it would be difficult to have zero contact with a baby involved.

Undefinabl3 posted 6/23/2014 15:01 PM

Have you suggested the idea that you give the baby up to either the biological father (her revoking her parental rights) or working with bio-dad to do an adoption?

In a pinch, could you say that as a family she decided to surrogate for someone? (after you make the choice of either adoption or giving up rights?

I can't even begin to imagine this struggle.

shygirl07 posted 6/23/2014 16:47 PM

djones,
Although this man is saying he wants no involvement who knows if he changes his mind and it would be like you tellng someone they cant ever see their son.. BUT..

I know how devastated you must feel.. it will be a complicated situation and im sorry if I am sonuding blunt and inconsiderate but I would leave the situation.. it might be better in the long run.. she got pregnant with another mans child... she needs to lay in her bed.. she made it

tfkeel posted 6/23/2014 17:54 PM

I would leave the situation.. it might be better in the long run.. she got pregnant with another mans child... she needs to lay in her bed.. she made it

Amen.

If you get back together with her, you will be laying in it, too. NC will not be possible. She is permanently tied to the child's father, like it, or not.

I also encourage you not to use lies here. Make sure your kids know, and know why, you have not reconciled with their mother. They may be at too tender an age now for this, children should not be made to handle adult situations. However, time passes, and they will have the maturity to understand.

Initially, she wanted to separated to see how things would work, but changed her mind earlier this year stating that she really wanted to work on the marriage

I'm sorry to have to say it, but I think she recognizes that she has an irresponsible baby-daddy and wants you back because of what you can provide for her. You are "plan B", like I was.

I am a 20 year military veteran and have been trying to find more happiness since I have been retired.

Not exactly the time of your life that you want to start a family with a newborn.

How old will you be when the child becomes an adult? (rhetorical question)

I am trying to use my firm foundation that I have laid down with God over the past year to determine.

Another thing you have to consider. What kind of a "yoke" will re-marrying her bring to you? Is she a believer?

It is rather obvious that she is not following the Lord at this time in her life, I don't know whether or not she knows Him or whether she may come to know Him at some point in the future, but
the current observation is that she does not have a "firm foundation" in the things of God like you are developing.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 5:58 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]

Dreamboat posted 6/23/2014 18:15 PM

You need to consult a L immediately to find out what the laws in your state are concerning this. The laws vary state to state, but because you were M when she became pregnant, you will be consider the father legally. You also probably cannot begin the D process until the baby is born. There will be a certain time frame for which you can revoke your parental rights. After that time you will be on the hook for CS if your D, EVEN if the bio dad comes back into the child's life. Because you are M to her, he is basically off the hook for all parental responsibilities unless YOU get a legal document stating otherwise.

Go talk to a L. Find out all you can about what you will be responsible for given the many different paths that you may walk from here (D immediately, stay M, D later when the child is older, bio dad not in the picture, bio dad coming back into the picture,... etc)

I am so sorry you find yourself here in this situation.

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