So why....WHY....did I get myself into the position of now being the WS? Yes, I am having an EA with plans to become P. It is someone I know that is extremely compatible with me in so many ways. I have known him for a long time. I have not consumated this affair yet, I guess you could say we are in the talking & planning stages. I know I am not going to stay with the OM. I do love him in a certain way, but not in a spend-my-life-with-him way. I know this. I know it right now and I still continue to have contact with him.
In the past I prided myself on being the "good" one, the one who was above cheating and had high standards. Yet here I am. I haven't actually had sex with him yet but I guess since I'm planning to, it's just as bad.
Maybe I'm here to be talked out of it. Maybe I'm here just to cry and moan.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Why I would sabotage this beautiful thing I have going now, the thing that I waited so so many years to have.
Thanks for listening.
Trust me and all of the other waywards on this forum: IT IS NOT WORTH IT. Sex with someone else won't make you feel good. It won't feel like you deserve it after enduring a terrible marriage for so many years. It won't feel like "your little secret" that won't hurt anyone else. It will just feel like misery, it will kill you emotionally, and it will kill your marriage. If you're lucky, you'll put those pieces back together.
But right now, you have the choice not to make this affair physical. Cut off all contact with your AP immediately. That is your step 1.
Married to amazing new H who is not a BH and never will be.
Gently, the truth is, even before planning it was already bad. An EA hurts worse than a PA, and an EA/PA is the worst to recover from. The time an energy taken from your spouse while nurturing a new relationship is so devastating. I can't offer advice from a position of experience, but I felt so bad for you as I know that if I were in your shoes I'd be such a mess.
I do suggest IC immediately. I'm just guessing, but it seems you have probably been building resentment from his transgressions. I can see how that many years of emotional detachment can create an opportunity to stray even in those of us who are clearly "above" it. It's a great reminder for us BS's that if we do our own rugsweeping with the emotional consequences of our WS's infidelity, we are laying the groundwork to becoming what we loathe. I appreciate your post so much for that reason, but many others. It took some courage to come here for help.
You know this I'm sure, but as soon as you are ready, voluntary, full disclosure is important whether you plan on R or not. Find a way to work out your anger and resentment so that you can avoid causing further destruction than has already occurred. My WS had a saying early on that might work in your case. She said, "I need to remember that even if I don't respect you, I need to focus on respecting the relationship." You may not respect your BS right now, but maybe you can find some respect in yourself or at least your relationship to create a barrier to the next step of the infidelity while progressing toward ending and disclosing it.
Thoughts of strength and compassion are with you.
Some suggest making two lists. The good and bad of NOT having an affair and the good and bad of having an affair. Long and short term to be fair and balanced as Fox News says.
What problems do you hope to solve by having an affair? It seems rather late for an impetuous revenge affair. You disclaim any long term plans with OM. Does your H harbor cuckold fantasies? Do you long to recapture some missed "adventures" of your youth? Does OM have a spouse, and if so, what about her? Have you sought her permission? Or might she be crushed?
"First the fall, and then the recovery from the fall, and both are the mercy of God." —Julian of Norwich
My feeling is, right now, it's just a telephone! All I have to do is not answer the phone! Not return a text! How hard could that be! There's been no sex and no illicit hookups anywhere,so just put the damn phone down and be done with it! Why is it so hard to do, that I don't know right now.
I am curious about the people who said an EA is more difficult than a PA. I can see that coming, to be sure. Very difficult! I guess it's all the time invested in talking and planning and dreaming? I'm not sure why.
[This message edited by BadWifeTx at 8:06 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]
I had nooooo idea that was even a thing. Now every time I see a single black guy with a couple I'm going to wonder....
This is something I told myself daily during my A....it was a PA for two months and an EA for another eight....I took it underground when my BH found out...but I would tell myself its just a phone...I would block XAP on FB so I couldn't talk to him and then would immediately unblock him.
Its so hard cuz its an addiction. ...to how the other person makes you feel.
I empathize with what you are going through and how you are feeling. ...please, for your own sanity, dont pick up the phone.
I cannot explain the pain that an EA causes, but it's brutal. That love that you have for your spouse, that he has for you, is what makes your relationship special. When one spouse gives that to another, it basically breaks the marriage. One spouse is ignoring the other in favor of another. Another person knows the day to day activities of the WS (and probably the BS). Another knows of the problems in the M, of what the WS wants for the future. The BS has no idea that their entire world is being stripped away and given to another, and it just goes on.
Ask yourself this - if your H discovered this, how are you going to feel when you see the pain on his face? How will you feel when he is broken, insecure, feeling absolutely worthless because you chose another over him? How will you feel if he leaves you? How are you going to explain this to your family, your friends, your children? Are you going to say "Yes, I threw away my marriage for a little ego stroking and some cheap thrills with a lowlife that didn't mind chasing a married woman?" Sorry - but OM is fine sleeping with another man's wife. He's not a decent person?
On that note, how are you going to feel when his BS calls you screaming and crying? How will you feel when she throws him out and his kids don't have dad around anymore?
You know the pain of being betrayed. You know that it scars for life. Please, end this. Don't answer the phone. Don't respond to the texts. Tell OM it's over, and walk away! It's not worth it. Deep down, you know this. You wouldn't be here if you didn't.
It might be hard to ignore the calls because having someone tell you you're beautiful, sexy, funny, smart, they want you, blah blah blah feels good. Ask any of the WSs here - the good feelings you get from the A do NOT outweigh the bad feelings, broken hearts and crushed spirits that result from the A.
You don't need OM to stroke your ego. End this A and stroke your own ego for being strong enough to walk away before more damage was done.
You will miss the friendship. I still sometimes do. But now I see the friendship and energy I was giving AP was being stolen from my real friends and family.
When my husband cheated in the past, it was always physical and he never cared about any of them. Lust yes, love no. They were mostly ONS. The 2 long term (6 months-ish) that he had, he was almost glad to be done with them when I found out, he was relieved, I could tell. He never had contact with them again, it was not even an issue.
I never felt that level of emotional betrayal. It was more physical, like how could you dare stick your **** into someone else and be with someone, other than your wife? After a while I probably even considered it a nuisance behavior, if I want to be honest. I knew he would never leave me. I knew all I had to do was catch him & it would end immediately. He just had this side part to him that wanted to have sex with other people. He was giving away no emotions or love.
I am going to copy & paste what you wrong into a word document and send it to myself in email. I need to read that...daily. Hourly.
An affair is a fantasy. . . The bubble will pop. Let it pop before more damage is done. Men find PAs very difficult to forgive. . Harder than women, I think. Please keep reading (I suggest "Not Just Friends.") and posting. Hoping for strength for you.
Are you a killer will you kill your marriage will you kill your husband. That is what will happen if you pull that trigger.
As a BS I urge you to throw the gun in the ocean and never pick up another one.
What you are doing is so premeditated it shows intent, intent to be hurtful. Is that who you are? Is that who you want to be? Please run away now. You can not undo it once it happens.
My wife would tell you the pain and misery she had and had to deal with is unbearable.
Just don't do it stop all contact now. BTW you are my fWW's age I think you know better by now.
1. Wrong choices do not produce right results.
2. Self-respect is more important than self-indulgence.
3. Self-esteem can only come from doing the right things.
DO THE RIGHT THINGS FOR YOURSELF. YOU MATTER!