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BadWifeTx posted 6/23/2014 15:25 PM

I have become everything I hated about my husband. We got married when we were 22/24. He cheated constantly. Usually ONS, but there were 2 long term affairs, that I busted up and basically put the hammer down and he ended them. It was almost like he was relieved I found out & stopped it.
We had so many issues in our marriage, so many bad decisions. Nothing was good except that we liked to party. Drugs, alcohol, violence. You name it, we had it. Then guess what, I decided to grow up one day & stop the drugs & alcohol, finish college & get a "real" job. A little delayed at age 30, but I had a goal. Found a career I loved & excelled at and just buried myself into it. About 5 years later, my husband did the same. Of course he still cheated. The night before we closed on our very first house together, I found him coming out of a bar with a woman and they got into his car together & stayed for awhile. I was sitting across the street watching & dialing his phone nonstop. He answered & I threatened to come over there & beat both their a$$es. He made passes at my friends, he tried to hook up with my best friend in the whole world. My BEST FRIEND! Who does that? I stayed and I have no idea why, I never went to counseling.
I repressed it, I guess, but I had an underlying level of hate for him that pretty much ruined everything. How do you live with & stay with someone you have the utmost contempt for? Oh but I still loved him.
About 10 years ago, he just stopped. Maybe it was a health scare he had, I have no idea why & we've never talked about it. I began to trust him and the love started flowing from me again, after a couple of years. Our relationship changed to one that was so wonderful. I was happy, supremely happy, for first time since 1985. Here was the man that I KNEW was under there all along, my best friend, my soul mate. I wanted him to love me & be true to me so badly, and now it was happening. He is so precious to me now. I can't even describe how happy we've been for so long.

So why....WHY....did I get myself into the position of now being the WS? Yes, I am having an EA with plans to become P. It is someone I know that is extremely compatible with me in so many ways. I have known him for a long time. I have not consumated this affair yet, I guess you could say we are in the talking & planning stages. I know I am not going to stay with the OM. I do love him in a certain way, but not in a spend-my-life-with-him way. I know this. I know it right now and I still continue to have contact with him.
In the past I prided myself on being the "good" one, the one who was above cheating and had high standards. Yet here I am. I haven't actually had sex with him yet but I guess since I'm planning to, it's just as bad.
Maybe I'm here to be talked out of it. Maybe I'm here just to cry and moan.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Why I would sabotage this beautiful thing I have going now, the thing that I waited so so many years to have.
Thanks for listening.

walktheline posted 6/23/2014 15:38 PM

If you're so happy with your husband, why are you planning on having sex with another man? You know it will be destructive to your marriage and you're not planning on staying with your affair partner, so...what's the point?

Trust me and all of the other waywards on this forum: IT IS NOT WORTH IT. Sex with someone else won't make you feel good. It won't feel like you deserve it after enduring a terrible marriage for so many years. It won't feel like "your little secret" that won't hurt anyone else. It will just feel like misery, it will kill you emotionally, and it will kill your marriage. If you're lucky, you'll put those pieces back together.

But right now, you have the choice not to make this affair physical. Cut off all contact with your AP immediately. That is your step 1.

steppingup posted 6/23/2014 16:47 PM

BadWifeTexas: Do the rigth thing and dont join their club. the cheaters club. Dont put yourself out there for shame and guilt, dont let the devil turn you into nothing more than a loaf a bread to be consumed. Lust is damaging more than people understand. Now is the time to admit your temptation and turn away. If you believe in God, look into scriptures which speak against it. God's word says the person in adultry will be judged, dont be judged, be stronger, be right, dont let today end without putting your plans into clear light of day, examen your motives, consider the fact that your husband failed but he did the right thing and changed dont go down that route. My wife went down that road and now is sick with what to do with her life me or OM, and there has been no peace in her life since October. Affairs are more than people expect, what you will get will surprise you. As it has been said anything born in the darkness is darkness, and will come to ruin. Dont go there.

peoplepleaser posted 6/23/2014 17:06 PM

Oh, BadwifeTX, you must be beside yourself. I'm so sorry you are in that position, especially after all you've experienced in your relationship.

Gently, the truth is, even before planning it was already bad. An EA hurts worse than a PA, and an EA/PA is the worst to recover from. The time an energy taken from your spouse while nurturing a new relationship is so devastating. I can't offer advice from a position of experience, but I felt so bad for you as I know that if I were in your shoes I'd be such a mess.

I do suggest IC immediately. I'm just guessing, but it seems you have probably been building resentment from his transgressions. I can see how that many years of emotional detachment can create an opportunity to stray even in those of us who are clearly "above" it. It's a great reminder for us BS's that if we do our own rugsweeping with the emotional consequences of our WS's infidelity, we are laying the groundwork to becoming what we loathe. I appreciate your post so much for that reason, but many others. It took some courage to come here for help.

You know this I'm sure, but as soon as you are ready, voluntary, full disclosure is important whether you plan on R or not. Find a way to work out your anger and resentment so that you can avoid causing further destruction than has already occurred. My WS had a saying early on that might work in your case. She said, "I need to remember that even if I don't respect you, I need to focus on respecting the relationship." You may not respect your BS right now, but maybe you can find some respect in yourself or at least your relationship to create a barrier to the next step of the infidelity while progressing toward ending and disclosing it.

Thoughts of strength and compassion are with you.

Schadenfreude posted 6/23/2014 18:13 PM

I'm not female or a WS. But I can read. And I have read countless posts here about why having an affair was NOT beneficial. Just read here and pick and choose which situations are most like yours.

Some suggest making two lists. The good and bad of NOT having an affair and the good and bad of having an affair. Long and short term to be fair and balanced as Fox News says.

What problems do you hope to solve by having an affair? It seems rather late for an impetuous revenge affair. You disclaim any long term plans with OM. Does your H harbor cuckold fantasies? Do you long to recapture some missed "adventures" of your youth? Does OM have a spouse, and if so, what about her? Have you sought her permission? Or might she be crushed?

Just asking......

hopefull77 posted 6/23/2014 19:47 PM

All I can say is from one BS to another....please don't do it...please
I wish you peace

BadWifeTx posted 6/23/2014 20:06 PM

I'm trying to figure out if I can reply to individual posters or if I just do a general reply. But thank you all for your input. I have been reading so much on this site and of course having been the BS for so many years, I am trying to stop this nonsense now.

My feeling is, right now, it's just a telephone! All I have to do is not answer the phone! Not return a text! How hard could that be! There's been no sex and no illicit hookups anywhere,so just put the damn phone down and be done with it! Why is it so hard to do, that I don't know right now.

I am curious about the people who said an EA is more difficult than a PA. I can see that coming, to be sure. Very difficult! I guess it's all the time invested in talking and planning and dreaming? I'm not sure why.

[This message edited by BadWifeTx at 8:06 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]

BadWifeTx posted 6/23/2014 20:14 PM

Andy by the way, omg!!!! I make the mistake of googling "desire to be cuckold husband" (as mentioned by another poster) because I wasn't sure why someone would have the desire to be cuckolded.
Only I thought cuckold was just an old fashioned literary term for a man whose wife cheated.

Well thanks a lot, because now I'm pretty sure the my laptop is going to explode from porn overload! LOL!!

I had nooooo idea that was even a thing. Now every time I see a single black guy with a couple I'm going to wonder....

Alyssamd24 posted 6/23/2014 20:18 PM

My feeling is, right now, it's just a telephone! All I have to do is not answer the phone! Not return a text! How hard could that be! 

This is something I told myself daily during my was a PA for two months and an EA for another eight....I took it underground when my BH found out...but I would tell myself its just a phone...I would block XAP on FB so I couldn't talk to him and then would immediately unblock him.

Its so hard cuz its an addiction. how the other person makes you feel.

I empathize with what you are going through and how you are feeling. ...please, for your own sanity, dont pick up the phone.

painfulpast posted 6/23/2014 20:24 PM

BS here - My fWH had an EA. It literally crushed me. Knowing he invested so much time making her feel so special, telling her his deepest secrets, dreams desires, all while I sat lonely, wishing he would invest some time in us. It hurt. It still hurts. He put her above me. He went so far out of his way to make her feel so special. He invested so much of himself into her. She got all the things I'd wanted for so long.

I cannot explain the pain that an EA causes, but it's brutal. That love that you have for your spouse, that he has for you, is what makes your relationship special. When one spouse gives that to another, it basically breaks the marriage. One spouse is ignoring the other in favor of another. Another person knows the day to day activities of the WS (and probably the BS). Another knows of the problems in the M, of what the WS wants for the future. The BS has no idea that their entire world is being stripped away and given to another, and it just goes on.

Ask yourself this - if your H discovered this, how are you going to feel when you see the pain on his face? How will you feel when he is broken, insecure, feeling absolutely worthless because you chose another over him? How will you feel if he leaves you? How are you going to explain this to your family, your friends, your children? Are you going to say "Yes, I threw away my marriage for a little ego stroking and some cheap thrills with a lowlife that didn't mind chasing a married woman?" Sorry - but OM is fine sleeping with another man's wife. He's not a decent person?

On that note, how are you going to feel when his BS calls you screaming and crying? How will you feel when she throws him out and his kids don't have dad around anymore?

You know the pain of being betrayed. You know that it scars for life. Please, end this. Don't answer the phone. Don't respond to the texts. Tell OM it's over, and walk away! It's not worth it. Deep down, you know this. You wouldn't be here if you didn't.

It might be hard to ignore the calls because having someone tell you you're beautiful, sexy, funny, smart, they want you, blah blah blah feels good. Ask any of the WSs here - the good feelings you get from the A do NOT outweigh the bad feelings, broken hearts and crushed spirits that result from the A.

You don't need OM to stroke your ego. End this A and stroke your own ego for being strong enough to walk away before more damage was done.

Schadenfreude posted 6/24/2014 09:55 AM

Bad wife, people come to this site to learn things all the time. I'm guessing, however, you're the first to get the particular lesson you got. The term cuckhold goes back at least as far as far as Shakespeare. I think what you saw is e modern version.

familyfirst posted 6/24/2014 11:51 AM

An EA is very hard to detach from. The only way to stop is to just stop. Every day, ever exchange you have together will only make it harder when it ends. And chances are it will end. Most male APs are in it for the physical. He's doing everything he can to make that happen. If this is the romance of the century, you can both make yourselves available to pursue it.

You will miss the friendship. I still sometimes do. But now I see the friendship and energy I was giving AP was being stolen from my real friends and family.

Good luck!

BadWifeTx posted 6/24/2014 12:58 PM

Painfulpast: You have me crying like a baby. I have been getting up the nerve to end contact. The way you described how the EA made you feel & the things your husband did...I am doing the exact thing. Sharing intimate thoughts & desires, not only of the heart but of the mind, the future, etc. I do love him (husband) so much and we've been great for so long now.

When my husband cheated in the past, it was always physical and he never cared about any of them. Lust yes, love no. They were mostly ONS. The 2 long term (6 months-ish) that he had, he was almost glad to be done with them when I found out, he was relieved, I could tell. He never had contact with them again, it was not even an issue.

I never felt that level of emotional betrayal. It was more physical, like how could you dare stick your **** into someone else and be with someone, other than your wife? After a while I probably even considered it a nuisance behavior, if I want to be honest. I knew he would never leave me. I knew all I had to do was catch him & it would end immediately. He just had this side part to him that wanted to have sex with other people. He was giving away no emotions or love.

I am going to copy & paste what you wrong into a word document and send it to myself in email. I need to read that...daily. Hourly.

dana47 posted 6/25/2014 09:35 AM

You will not get any good out of an affair. More pain will come your way. Ask yourself, "is it worth it?"

bionicgal posted 6/25/2014 13:09 PM

Keep reading...don't act on the will only make it worse.
The bad news...affairs are very addictive. The good news..if you go NC and detox for a few weeks, get some IC and tell your husband, you will feel like a new person in 6 months. You will not be able to fathom why you thought what you did. I can already hear in your posts that you are still thinking a little rationally.

An affair is a fantasy. . . The bubble will pop. Let it pop before more damage is done. Men find PAs very difficult to forgive. . Harder than women, I think. Please keep reading (I suggest "Not Just Friends.") and posting. Hoping for strength for you.

RegretsTillIDie posted 6/25/2014 23:54 PM

When you’re in the middle of the affair (whether emotional and/or physical) it’s almost impossible to rationally and logically think and project what your actions are going to do to your spouse, your family, your friends and you. My BW looks at me and says “why didn’t you just hit the end button on your phone”? and I have no good answer other than I was so short sighted, selfish and horny that I simply didn’t do it. I so wish someone would have literally used a 2 x 4 on me to knock me back to reality – that pain would have been so much less than what we are both going to be living with the rest of our lives. As someone said “the only way to stop playing the game is to stop playing the game”. Sounds simple but it’s not. I’m hoping someone has a 2 x 4 and uses it on you

10yearsafter posted 6/26/2014 08:06 AM

So your holding a loaded gun. Are you a murderer, are you going to pull the trigger. Will you sentence yourself to months, years or even a lifetime of pain, guilt or shame.

Are you a killer will you kill your marriage will you kill your husband. That is what will happen if you pull that trigger.

As a BS I urge you to throw the gun in the ocean and never pick up another one.

What you are doing is so premeditated it shows intent, intent to be hurtful. Is that who you are? Is that who you want to be? Please run away now. You can not undo it once it happens.

My wife would tell you the pain and misery she had and had to deal with is unbearable.

Just don't do it stop all contact now. BTW you are my fWW's age I think you know better by now.

sunnyrain posted 6/26/2014 09:33 AM

Three things:

1. Wrong choices do not produce right results.
2. Self-respect is more important than self-indulgence.
3. Self-esteem can only come from doing the right things.


Trying2LoveAgain posted 6/26/2014 18:40 PM

After all the replies you've received after your initial post, I don't really think you NEED mine, but I just can't leave this post without replying to you...As 10yearsAfter said...Once it's done, you CANNOT undo it! My FWH just said to me (again) last night.."I just keep trying to figure out a way to UNDO this, even though I know I can't". His A happened 25 years ago (I only found out about it 10 months ago!)but he has told me that he's spent those past 25 years wishing a million times, that he could undo it! And this is something as a BS that I've struggled with! KNOWING that it can NEVER be undone! And there are SOOOO many other good points here, so I won't repeat what others have said, but I agree with them! PLEASE....Just DON"T do it! You already know what the outcome would be! Prayers for you in this difficult decision you are facing!

BadWifeTx posted 6/26/2014 20:07 PM

Great advice, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment and tell your stories. I have been depressed for the last few days, I have not even left my house. I am stagnant at this point.

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