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Should I stay or should I Go?

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tankbroken posted 6/23/2014 21:00 PM

My wife has been having an affair for the past 6 months or at least that's what I know of. I confronted her on April with more than enough proof. She did not deny it. She said it was all my fault. I ignored her, I rejected her, I did not listen to her, I was self absorbed, I abused her by my my words.... at least that's what she told me. I went to counciling for myself, she had no desire to go. She told me she loves me and wants to be with me. I told her I needed some conditions met. 1. Never see him again. 2. Let me see each mails and BBM messages. 3. Councilling. She did not meet any of these conditions. She continually sees him, I know this because I have a gps tracker on my van. She lies and denies it. I have caught her 5 more times. We have 3 small children and I nave 15 years invested in this relationship. Last Sunday I told her I was moving out. This got her attention and she now realizes how serious this is. More promises were made. Which I Do not believe. But I said I will stay for now but trust will be a very big issue. I still feel as though I should leave. But I do still love her. But I am not in a good place and it is destroying me. This is a problem because everything I do is for my kids..... I'm stuck and don't know what to do. I can no longer take the lies.....

brkn_heartd posted 6/23/2014 21:12 PM

That is such a tough decision and only you can decide. While many will give you opinions, you have to live with it. However, I can share with you, my FWH was not ready to end his A until I was ready to end my marriage. Sometimes, we have to be ready to lose it all to save it. As you said, the problem is then trust. That can take years to rebuild. For me, I gave him some time for R after I was ready for D. However, I was extremely cautious with my heart and in all honesty I still am cautious with trusting totally again. However, I do not think I will trust anyone like that again.

As far as your situation, maybe instead of deciding to leave can watch to see how she "really"reacts now. If she really is serious about wanting to stay married to you, she will bend heaven and earth to try to help you heal. She will ditch the OM, she will work hard to help you. Of course, there will still be pain, and each of you will make mistakes, but that is normal. My H has helped me tremendously, but has made mistakes along the way. I suggest if you decide to stay for a while, set a time line for yourself when you will re-evaluate if you want to stay or leave. I had given myself 4-6 month intervals. Based on his actions (or inactions) I made my decisions.

I would also suggest deciding now what are the non-negotiables for you. Also, what are the consequences if she breaks them. Such as breaking no contact with OM. For example, at what level of broken NC is a deal breaker...meaning if he contacts her, but she reports it to you immediately is that a dealbreaker or is it a deal breaker if she contacts him....if she develops another relationship with another male, what is the consequence...etc. You get the picture.

I had read to wait 6-12 months before making a major decision. I am glad I waited. My decisions were less emotional and more thought out. With that said, only you know your level of dealbreaker. It is ok if this is a dealbreaker for you. However, if you want to give it more time, there is support for you also. We are here for you regardless of your decision.

Brandon808 posted 6/23/2014 22:47 PM

Don't move out. Why should you? She's the who's been cheating, and lying and gaslighting you.

See a lawyer and figure out what the best course of action is to protect your rights.
Implement the 180.

She's not showing even the slightest remorse. In fact her reactions barely even show a hint of regret.

3yrwait posted 6/23/2014 23:09 PM

The decision is yours, (not hers). It isn't your fault. If the marriage was bad, she had other options such as counseling or divorce. As Brandon said, see a lawyer, don't talk to her, protect yourself so that you can't be manipulated.

I was in your position and I stuck it out. Knowing now what I didn't know then, I would be more aggressive. You can't forgive someone who isn't sorry.

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/23/2014 23:22 PM

You know, sometimes I think the blame shifting is worse than the affair.

So, let me get this right. They betray us, then blame us for their betrayal. It's all simply to justify their behavior and keep themselves from feeling like pond scum.

You asked for opinions, so here's mine. To stay means you're placing a bet that she will never become dissatisfied again, because if she does, you know how she will deal with her dissatisfaction.

Really, you are not being presented with much of a choice. She's completely unremorseful. You really can't reconcile with someone when they don't even feel bad about destroying you.

I'm sure I would file for divorce, BUT if there are circumstances that aren't made event by your short post that make trying again a must, these would be my non negotiable conditions:

1. She starts IC immediately.
2. She commits to figuring out why she did what she did and agrees to explore, in detail, with her therapist the possibility that her choice to cheat had NOTHING to do with you.
3. she agrees to total NC with the OM.
4. After she is in IC for six months (two sessions a week) and has figured out why she committed this emotional violence, the two of you start. MC.
6. She understands there are no guarantees that you will stay, but if she proves that she wants your M and is willing to work really hard to save the M, you will agree to also try really hard to get past her betrayal.

My money is on her not even agreeing to condition #1, even after you've presented it as mandatory to staying married.

Ostrich80 posted 6/23/2014 23:53 PM

See an attorney..knowledge is power. Just see what your options are and certainly don't leave your home. This isn't your fault. Where are the kids when she's meeting this guy? Is he a co worker? Or if she's a,sahm and leaving the kids with a sitter to meet this man?, do you really want to leave your kids and home with her in charge? Please get legal advice IMO if anyone's leaving, it should be her, not you. Good luck to you and I'm so sorry this is happening.

tfkeel posted 6/24/2014 06:33 AM

So, let me get this right. They betray us, then blame us for their betrayal. It's all simply to justify their behavior and keep themselves from feeling like pond scum.

You have it right. Exactly right.

Catwoman posted 6/24/2014 06:40 AM

I would not move out until after I had seen an attorney and understood the laws in my state. Seeing an attorney does not mean you are going to divorce--it just means you are understanding your legal position.

I, too, believe you must draw a line in the sand with consequences. Otherwise, you will continue to get lip service with no real change.

There is a very good book out there called: Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave. The author walks the reader through significant issues in a relationship and assists them in forming a decision on the state of the relationship and itts viability. I recommend it.


Badhurt posted 6/24/2014 07:52 AM

First, DO NOT MOVe out!! Go to an attorney as others have advised. Do that ASAP.
She has NOT changed anything. When you threatened to move out her comfort level went down because you are her meal ticket. The affair is not over nor is her cheating.
You should not spend any money on therapy until she meets your conditions for staying, which she is not doing.
Do you want to keep living like you are now wondering every time she leaves the house if she is going to bang him again? Cause that is what is in store for you . She has declared an open marriage and you are along for the ride.
Give her some serious consequences and you might get some change in her behavior. You might not but how much worse than her having sex with him 5 more times can it be?
Read the other threads. There are a number of guys on more or less your predicament here and the only one whose wife is begging him to R is the one who took a stand despite the hurt and betrayal.
The others get no sleep, can hardly function, and are leading a life of misery. The choice is yours

Edith posted 6/24/2014 08:26 AM

Hey TB,

This got her attention and she now realizes how serious this is. More promises were made. Which I Do not believe. But I said I will stay...

This is a cycle that you have the power to break. I have endured this stuff as well. Until she knows you are serious, she will keep this cycle going. She gets the comfort of the M, the excitement of the A, and you get... well, you know, this horrible pain.

I think you should put the 180 into practice and lawyer up. Start looking after your own interests, and most of all, stop putting up with the lies. Take care.


doggiediva posted 6/24/2014 09:09 AM

I just replied in another thread to a similar case as this..

Your WW's life as she knows it is about to change dramatically,if/when you file for D..

I agree you should not move out, let her move out when the time comes..
That is where I am at..

WH and I are in an in house separation because we are at a stand off..He has been asked/demanded to move out by me..

My WH refuses to leave.. Some WS's do refuse when asked to leave..

So I have to pull the legal trigger to get my WH to leave/or I leave..I spoke to lawyers, but I am not quite ready logistically to file yet and leave..

Mentally I am already gone from the marriage..

Even if your WW refuses to leave you still have a lot of power..

Here is an example of what I am doing until I leave..

Living with me must suck for WH, lol..No sex or affection provided by me, no housework, he has to do his own cooking....I don't give a flying "you know what" about how the house looks inside or out because I will eventually leave..I'm not rude but I barely pay attention to WH when he talks..

I retired 14 months ago and am not about to go back to work any time soon..WH recently got a job (6 months ago) out of necessity and I live the life of leisure while he has to step up to the plate to help pay our basic bills..

Any way you get the picture...Even if life at home for you and your WW is not an open mine field of hostility, it should be a more difficult life for your WW in the home..

My WH and I are two ships passing in the night... I have no guilt about taking off to go anywhere I want to go , and it is a courtesy not an obligation, should I decide to let my WH know where I am going at any given time..

In other words your WW should lose that warm and fuzzy feeling of security/support that the marriage provides..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:40 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

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