I've been struggling the past few days.
It started on Saturday. We took my son somewhere special to celebrate his b-day. It's about 1.5 hours from where we live now, but very close to where we lived when WH fucked his howorker.
I actually enjoyed going out, seeing my DS have fun. I've been annoyed with WH lately, because although he isn't cheating, he is back to his selfish ways. Not pulling his weight around the houze, napping every day, playing computer games instead of interacting with the family. Despite that, we had a nice family trip. When we left, however, we had to drive past his old workplace and I triggered hard. Later that evening I realized the place we took WH is where the actual ONS took place.
So I've been dwelling on this stuff for a few days and here are some of my shitty realizations:
My entire adult life is based on a lie. Everything I have in life right now is based on lies. My 3 kids my house, my dog, my cats...EVERYTHING. We started dating at 18, engaged at 19, pregnant at 20, M and living overseas at 21. That whole time he was cheating on me. He kept chrating on me until we were 27 and lied about it until I was 31. So everything I've lived for is all based on lies.
I will never come first. He will always put himself first. He does try, but it's his inherent nature to be selfish. Both his parents were selfish assholes, and he learned from the best. When I learned about OW17 (the howorker) he told me all these horrible things about her; he really put her down. But then he asked me not to repeat what he said to her. Didn't want me to "hurt her feelings". My feelings...well they aren't as important.
My WH does try in his own way to help me heal, but I don't think it will ever be enough. I'm staying with him because it's what is best for everyone. And I do like him most of the time. But I don't think I'll ever be truly happy. Every time I look at him I'm reminded of what he stole from me. I wanted to he free, to travel, to live an adventurous life. I'm tied down.
I'm just really depressed lately. Maybe because DDay is coming up. Or maybe because I'm just beginning to accept the reality of my situation.
Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.