You may regain some trust, but you never forget the betrayal. You can heal from surgery, but you will always have the scar.
[This message edited by k9lover1 at 10:23 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]
Even though my XWW and I are now divorced, I still see her every week because of the kids. I used to believe everything she said - took it at face value. Now, I believe nothing she says - more accurately, I have no respect for anything she says and always look for the hidden agenda. I don't trust her at all.
She showed me her true self, and that is who I see now.
Just try to take things a day at a time. If you want to be around him then that's great but if you can't then he should be understanding of that, too. Is he in IC? What about you? Take care of yourself, brokenheart.
T/J Funny you should bring up health 12yrs and Daisy...Shortly after beginning true R, my husband went through some severe health issues and I nearly lost him. Keep in mind he put me through about 5 mos of false R preceding this. He began having flu-like symptoms one day, then began acting strange and within 2-3 days he ended up on life support for several weeks. It was so strange to be so angry with him while sitting by his bedside not knowing whether he would live or die,but I did care and I did stay by his bedside night and day and care for him. It was a strange roller coaster of worrying about him, feeling sorry for myself, dealing with 6 kids while going back and forth to hospital, comforting his mother ( who hates me BTW) and sister and dealing with all the friends family and trying to make decisions about his treatment, his job, finances.It was very surreal.
The funny thing is the last memory he has before going on life support was me cussing him out for throwing up on the floor... ". ..I had given him a bowl to use and he held it to the side and threw up on the floor.. I said" What the h*ll is wrong with you? Why don't you call your b*tch to clean this crap up?" He was having swelling in his brain, but I had no idea at the time... He loves to give me a hard time about that one..lol..End T/J
Anyway, I don't think you will ever see him with the same eyes. How could you? He was supposed to be the one to love and protect you. Instead, he knowingly hurt you to your core. If he is like mine, he watched you cry and lied and didn't even care about your pain.
My WS has been the model husband ever since true R began, so although I still have the thought in the back of my mind that he will not be there for me if push comes to shove, I do love him more than ever. However, it is different. It is really hard to put into words, but it is just different.
Our WSs end the marriage with their infidelity.
This. This is what the waywards do not realize or believe, but this is the absolute truth.
Especially if it started before and continued after the marriage.
You have to decide if you have enough love to start all over again with this person.
This is the absolute only outcome.
[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 11:17 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]
Also, not sure I buy that it can't be as good. It can be better in some way (deeper, more connected), and less in others (trust, that feeling of 'specialness'). That can be nice.
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
Before we got married I had some rather large reservations about trust issues with her, namely, the amount of messages she would receive from other guys at work after hours who just seemed to be 'hovering with intent.' I was told over and over not to be worried, but yet while married my forgotten fears became confirmed. I am now 100% confident that she had an affair with them as well. Not to mention a night where she got drunk and confessed that she had been seeing 'some pilot guy' while we were dating as early on she didn't want to 'throw all my eggs in one basket noting you hadn't long been out of a long term relationship'....
She's doing all the right things now and is very remorseful but I often wonder if it is ever going to be enough. Sometimes I often wonder if I would be better off avoiding the risk completely....and those thoughts devastate me.
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 1:19 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]
Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13
It feels like on on the morning of DDay, I kissed my husband and wished him a happy day. That night, a different man returned. He looks like my husband, he sounds like my husband... he carries the same memories as my husband. But he's a different man with a side to him that my husband never had... and I'm trying to figure out who this new man is.
Of course, logically, I know this different man appeared about a year ago. But for me, I couldn't see him until the day of Dday.
On a sad but funny ha ha.
I remember after initially finding out, I had multiple nights while sitting at dinner with our young kids putting on a 'happy family face' I thinking..."it would have been better if you had died". Not that I wanted to inflict harm-- I didn't want him hurt and besides the damage was done.... just the realization that his death would have taken our future, but his betrayal took our future and our past. It wiped out my memories and my fantasy of having an amazing family.
So now it is very strange to look across the table at the man I still love and still imagine spending my future --and realize that 1 year ago I would have preferred he was dead. Very surreal but I guess that's progress?
You are only at two months. You will feel differently about him in the future...in a large part based on working on yourself (the 180) and on seeing his actions.
BW: 42 (me) WH: 40 (him)
DDay 1 - 1/13
DDay2= 7/14 (False Recovery....Discovered CyberA was PA + Broken NC w/email during entire R)
Filed for Divorce 9/9/14:
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!
But then how will I ever trust a SO ever again?
For sure, you pick more wisely if you have the opportunity to have another SO. You also develop a keen ability to see "red flags".
My wife and I both were the BS in prior marriages.
We vowed to each other that it would, in this marriage, be "one strike, you're out"..... there would be no counseling, no pastors, no self-help books, only a divorce, and it would be filed on the next business day following DD, and there would never be any reconciliation.
This action on either of our parts would permanently "close the door".
This seems like a massive betrayal to try and overcome for the rest of my life.
For me, it was too "massive". And, I think, like some others I read about, it wasn't really the affair itself which did it, it was the TT and the lying and blaming that followed DD.
[This message edited by tfkeel at 6:10 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]
"The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies. It comes from friends and loved ones."