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Did it change the way you feel about the wayward spouse?

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Brokenheart15 posted 6/23/2014 21:39 PM

So I am currently almost two months out from Dday. WH and I have been slowly trying to spend more time together (I moved out on D Day). One of the things that I am painfully noticing when we are together is that I just don't feel the same way about him. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I don't love him anymore…but definitely not as much. I feel so much indifference towards him. It's like I've removed myself from the situation to avoid getting hurt again. Did anyone else go through the same? Is it like most other things in that time helps heal that wound? I've just lost so much love, trust and respect for him...

mchercheur posted 6/23/2014 22:10 PM

It is never the same again. Our WSs end the marriage with their infidelity. You have to decide if you have enough love to start all over again with this person.


12yearsloyal posted 6/23/2014 22:12 PM

It certainly changed the way I feel. I do not look at WH as the same person he used to be. There is no way I can. He changed the minute he crossed the line. I find I worry less about his health, maybe really not at all now. If he wants to eat like a pig and eat unhealthy he will die young. So what? It may sound bad but I do get these thoughts in my head. My concern for him is so much less. I guess it is because I have realized he has not been concerned about me for the last 2 years. Why throw concern away on someone that does not deserve it? I have to look out for myself now. It is hard to love someone that you can't trust. You are not alone in feeling like this. I think it's normal, the new normal I guess.

k9lover1 posted 6/23/2014 22:22 PM

Oh it absolutely changed the way I feel. How can it not. The WS has inflicted a painful experience on you. It was done on purpose, often it is done again and again. How can it not change the way you feel.

You may regain some trust, but you never forget the betrayal. You can heal from surgery, but you will always have the scar.

[This message edited by k9lover1 at 10:23 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]

Daisy312 posted 6/23/2014 22:25 PM

I'm just over two years out, and I still feel soooo different toward my FWH. I still love and care for him but it's like something is missing. Idk what is missing but it's just different. Like 12yearsloyal I too care less for his health. He has this pain in his groin they couldn't figure out what it was so he just stopped pushing to have it fixed. In the past I would've worried and fretted but now, I'm like oh well it's his life I don't care! It's so sad to me!

Brokenheart15 posted 6/23/2014 22:35 PM

That's exactly how I'm feeling. Like something is missing. It's so sad… I just feel very indifferent. If I'm being honest I'm happier when I'm alone at my own house at this point. We have only been married two years. This seems like a massive betrayal to try and overcome for the rest of my life.

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/23/2014 22:38 PM


Even though my XWW and I are now divorced, I still see her every week because of the kids. I used to believe everything she said - took it at face value. Now, I believe nothing she says - more accurately, I have no respect for anything she says and always look for the hidden agenda. I don't trust her at all.

She showed me her true self, and that is who I see now.

12yearsloyal posted 6/23/2014 22:43 PM

I'm also finding the more confident I get the less I worry about him and his crap. Time is doing this too. I have to ask myself do I want to fix this? or is it easier to D and find a man that appreciates a really loyal woman? It is so sad that the selfish acts of a spouse can totally change everything. WS has a birthday coming up and I'm struggling with whether or not I get him a card. So sad but it is the truth. It's just not the same.

cantgetup posted 6/23/2014 22:50 PM

Yes me too. Feel my detachment went too far and things will never be the same again. He too is having a few
Minor health issues (he's 5 yrs older than me) and all I can think of is oh hell no, I'm not taking care of him if he starts to have serious health problems. Like I will stick around as long as things are status quo. Beyond that, I feel I will have the urge to bolt. The only person I told about the A was his sister. And that was primarily to lay the foundation ahead of time should something happen to him. Didn't want his family thinking I up and left when the going hard. Talk about sad.

badmedicine posted 6/23/2014 23:02 PM

Of course it did!! How can you experience something so traumatic, so against what you promised and upheld, and not feel differently? However, when things were going well between us (we tried to R but it stalled and stopped) I saw some of my old H in there. It probably wouldn't be the same, but it's also because you won't be the same. You have to decide (and this takes time) if you can wait to see if a new relationship is possible or not. If he can do the work and if you are willing to open yourself up to that possibility. This takes most people some time. At 2 months I was just happy to have 15 minutes where I didn't think about the A and to have 24 hrs go by without crying.

Just try to take things a day at a time. If you want to be around him then that's great but if you can't then he should be understanding of that, too. Is he in IC? What about you? Take care of yourself, brokenheart.

lilflower1000 posted 6/23/2014 23:10 PM

I definitely feel completely different about my WS than I did in the past. I am nearing 2 years post d-day1 and about 1 1/2 yrs since true R.

T/J Funny you should bring up health 12yrs and Daisy...Shortly after beginning true R, my husband went through some severe health issues and I nearly lost him. Keep in mind he put me through about 5 mos of false R preceding this. He began having flu-like symptoms one day, then began acting strange and within 2-3 days he ended up on life support for several weeks. It was so strange to be so angry with him while sitting by his bedside not knowing whether he would live or die,but I did care and I did stay by his bedside night and day and care for him. It was a strange roller coaster of worrying about him, feeling sorry for myself, dealing with 6 kids while going back and forth to hospital, comforting his mother ( who hates me BTW) and sister and dealing with all the friends family and trying to make decisions about his treatment, his job, finances.It was very surreal.

The funny thing is the last memory he has before going on life support was me cussing him out for throwing up on the floor... ". ..I had given him a bowl to use and he held it to the side and threw up on the floor.. I said" What the h*ll is wrong with you? Why don't you call your b*tch to clean this crap up?" He was having swelling in his brain, but I had no idea at the time... He loves to give me a hard time about that T/J

Anyway, I don't think you will ever see him with the same eyes. How could you? He was supposed to be the one to love and protect you. Instead, he knowingly hurt you to your core. If he is like mine, he watched you cry and lied and didn't even care about your pain.

My WS has been the model husband ever since true R began, so although I still have the thought in the back of my mind that he will not be there for me if push comes to shove, I do love him more than ever. However, it is different. It is really hard to put into words, but it is just different.

totalheartbreak posted 6/23/2014 23:16 PM

Our WSs end the marriage with their infidelity.

This. This is what the waywards do not realize or believe, but this is the absolute truth.
Especially if it started before and continued after the marriage.

You have to decide if you have enough love to start all over again with this person.

This is the absolute only outcome.

[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 11:17 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]

Didact posted 6/23/2014 23:25 PM

Even if it is less than what it was prior to the A, is it possible that it is still better than the alternatives.

Also, not sure I buy that it can't be as good. It can be better in some way (deeper, more connected), and less in others (trust, that feeling of 'specialness'). That can be nice.

lilflower1000 posted 6/23/2014 23:43 PM

Just read your story Brokenhearted, I can't imagine how you cannot feel differently at this point. It is all so new and it happened so early in your marriage. This is the man you thought you could count on in good times and bad. If he is cheating now during the honeymoon period of your marriage, what will happen when you have to deal with the real issues later on such as kids, health issues, financial differences, extended family etc..
You do have one great advantage, you found out before kids (as far as I can tell from your posts). I would have moved on and never looked back if I had no kids. I know it hurts like hell, but think about how much worse it would be with 2 or 4 or 6 little eyes crying alongside you. It is up to you if you would like to R, but at this point it sounds like he is trying to cake eat and is showing you no respect whatsoever. Take care of you..if he wants you he will work to win you back by showing true transparency. He is at the point now where he is seeing what he can get away with. (((Brokenheart)))

Hurthalo posted 6/24/2014 01:14 AM

Mine is different as well. I got cheated on 1.5 years into our marriage so while I love my W with all my heart, part of me is subconsciously wondering when it is going to happen again. She swears it won't but I apparently had those same assurances after making wedding vows as well. While I deployed overseas for a grand total of 3.5 weeks, she fell in love with another married man.

Before we got married I had some rather large reservations about trust issues with her, namely, the amount of messages she would receive from other guys at work after hours who just seemed to be 'hovering with intent.' I was told over and over not to be worried, but yet while married my forgotten fears became confirmed. I am now 100% confident that she had an affair with them as well. Not to mention a night where she got drunk and confessed that she had been seeing 'some pilot guy' while we were dating as early on she didn't want to 'throw all my eggs in one basket noting you hadn't long been out of a long term relationship'....

She's doing all the right things now and is very remorseful but I often wonder if it is ever going to be enough. Sometimes I often wonder if I would be better off avoiding the risk completely....and those thoughts devastate me.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 1:19 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

Lark posted 6/24/2014 02:06 AM

Yes. I think it'd be impossible to feel the same way about him after finding that out.

It feels like on on the morning of DDay, I kissed my husband and wished him a happy day. That night, a different man returned. He looks like my husband, he sounds like my husband... he carries the same memories as my husband. But he's a different man with a side to him that my husband never had... and I'm trying to figure out who this new man is.

Of course, logically, I know this different man appeared about a year ago. But for me, I couldn't see him until the day of Dday.

MakingMyFuture posted 6/24/2014 04:17 AM

Yep it's different. The thing that attracted me most to my WH was his integrity, although I feel it is partially back, I have to wonder if I will ever see him in the same way now that I know what he is capable of. I now also see how broken he is in a variety of ways-- which on a good day gives me a bit of sympathy. In the end, the way I see him now is more real. It is recognizing that he has amazing qualities (some of which have only shown during R) but also some serious character flaws.

On a sad but funny ha ha.

I remember after initially finding out, I had multiple nights while sitting at dinner with our young kids putting on a 'happy family face' I thinking..."it would have been better if you had died". Not that I wanted to inflict harm-- I didn't want him hurt and besides the damage was done.... just the realization that his death would have taken our future, but his betrayal took our future and our past. It wiped out my memories and my fantasy of having an amazing family.

So now it is very strange to look across the table at the man I still love and still imagine spending my future --and realize that 1 year ago I would have preferred he was dead. Very surreal but I guess that's progress?

You are only at two months. You will feel differently about him in the a large part based on working on yourself (the 180) and on seeing his actions.

stunnedmullet posted 6/24/2014 04:29 AM

I sometimes wonder if different will be enough. But then how will I ever trust a SO ever again?

tfkeel posted 6/24/2014 06:02 AM

But then how will I ever trust a SO ever again?

For sure, you pick more wisely if you have the opportunity to have another SO. You also develop a keen ability to see "red flags".

My wife and I both were the BS in prior marriages.

We vowed to each other that it would, in this marriage, be "one strike, you're out"..... there would be no counseling, no pastors, no self-help books, only a divorce, and it would be filed on the next business day following DD, and there would never be any reconciliation.

This action on either of our parts would permanently "close the door".

This seems like a massive betrayal to try and overcome for the rest of my life.

For me, it was too "massive". And, I think, like some others I read about, it wasn't really the affair itself which did it, it was the TT and the lying and blaming that followed DD.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 6:10 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

sunny58 posted 6/24/2014 10:15 AM

It has definitely changed the way I feel about my WH. He had always presented himself as a man of integrity and I had no reason to doubt him. I held him in high esteem. I actually admired and respected him.
Now I can’t even look him straight in the eye without feeling disguised. The tables have been turned whereas I’m the “bad guy” because I can’t get pass the hurt, the pain he has caused me. The last few weeks he has been on his best behavior where it is uncomfortable for me to be around him. He compliments me all the time, can’t do enough. He cooks, cleans, picks me up from work, etc. I should be feeling special but it only makes me feel sad because in the back of my mind, I don’t trust him. I doubt him.
There is no doubt that I can live my life pretending that I’m OK and we can go back to “the way we were.” BUT… in my mind can I still be a wife to him. I can be his companion or even his lover…but his wife… I keep asking myself, can I get over this. We have been to a MC and this thought still reminds. Can I live my life like this forever? Will I ever get past this feeling? As of today, I don’t think so. He’s going to have a hard time convincing me otherwise.

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