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Need input on sending email to OW

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12yearsloyal posted 6/23/2014 22:36 PM

SI Friends,

Ok, I guess I am taking a poll on this. Please give me your input.

I want to send OW an email. I have not had any communication with her since D day when I went to WS office and confronted her and called her an ugly whore. This was in a foreign country where she lives and where WS used to live. He has resigned his job there and moved back to the U.S. a few weeks ago. He tried to contact her last week but I don't believe the call went through. It will be difficult for him to physically be with OW ever again as he has no intent to return to her country.

Also, she is now banging the company owner so for the most part I believe she has moved on (perhaps more than WS has emotionally).

I am attempting R but WS has struggled with what he wants to do as far as R so we are a bit in limbo. He will see IC this week to help him with his "closure" issues. I am getting to the point where if he does not commit to R I think I will be ok, even though it will be difficult for me after almost 13 years of M.

I want to email OW a letter that describes what betrayal did to me and the fallout of it all. I feel like doing this for my own closure. I want to explain to her how devastating this has been for me. I want to describe the hurt and the pain. I want her to see the light. I want her to understand that she was a part of this as much as WS, because she knew he was married and could have said "no". This does not excuse WS but I want her to know that her part in this has caused serious consequences for my life, my marriage, my family.

Am I wrong to want to send this to her? I will not call her any names, this will not be a hate letter. This will be a well thought out letter and I plan to tell her that I am forgiving her, but only after I explain in the letter what WS and her have brought on me.

I have also thought about bcc the company owner since he is dating her now. I really want him to know about this. I don't expect anything from her or him and I don't want a response back. I will disable the email account I use shortly after I send the letter.

I will wait for your input and opinions on this. I feel that doing this will help me, will give me a voice. If OW could see and understand maybe my WS will be the last married man she says yes to. I know I will never know but is it bad to speak up and have a voice? Even if it falls on deaf ears?

cantgetup posted 6/23/2014 22:42 PM

I vote no. She doesn't care how you feel. That's obvious. None of them do. As for your H being in limbo and appearing to grieve the loss of his AP---yikes. How are you dealing with that? Id put up with that for maybe 12 seconds, and then he'd be gone. That's going to be a hard road for you. I'm sorry.

RidingHealingRd posted 6/23/2014 23:49 PM

OW knew that your H was married when she engaged in an affair with him; she did not care about you then.

I do not believe that she would care what you have to say now. I would never want to give her the satisfaction of know just how devastated you are. Sadly, she may even gain some sense of enjoyment from knowing this.

However, you must do what you feel you need to do.

Is the company owner married? If he is, and you know for a fact that OW is involved with him then I would do my very best to locate his wife and tip her off.

Lark posted 6/23/2014 23:55 PM

Hmm... On one hand, I think giving yourself a voice is important. But, on the other - she isn't going to hear a word you say. In her mind, she has never given you a second thought. She believed, hook line and sinker, any lies that your WS gave her. I'm also not sure how I feel about giving her that "power" over your pain, if that makes sense? Like, I don't think she'll likely feel empathy - but you baring your own pain that she has caused may give her a certain power?

On the other hand - I contacted OW#1 and OW#2 and have not regretted it yet.

When I found out via phonelogs, my husband had already deleted his phone's text history and his initial reaction was to stonewall. So, I texted OW#2 (didn't know she was #2 yet) and asked her if she'd had sex with my husband. Of course, no response. My husband did a quick stonewall-denial-start TT... then finally admitting a PA with her. So, I sent her another text "don't need to know the details now. Screwing him staring at my baby's carseat? What a F*d up people you both are. Oh and hi, apparently we've met. F* off." My husband called her later that afternoon to tell her it was over, he had no feelings, etc etc don't ever contact him again. That was end of contact with #2.

She was just a F*buddy. That's it. She knew he was married, she was a serial cheater on her own boyfriend. So beyond telling her to F* off, I had no desire to say anything to her because she just wouldn't get it. She would not care about my feelings, my pain, my children's pain, etc. I'm not wasting energy trying to drill humanity into that kind of person.

OW#1 was a 10 month-long EA/PA. I read all of their emails to each other - they wrote poetry, exchanged love, etc. And that was a very small snippet since most of it was done in person, on the phone, and via text. When her BS found out, she minimized it to him (said it was ONS), promised no contact - and then sought out a ton of secondary means to contact my husband and continue the A - pinger, various work phones, new email, etc. I knew she would be the one who would keep up trying to contact my husband regardless of a NC.

So I emailed her because I knew that OW#2 would give her some heartbreak. I told her that surprise, when I found out - it wasn't with her, it was with another woman, and he was so lovestruck with OW#1 that he was carrying on with OW#2 as well. That he was playing both of them so well, while telling me how happy he was with me and how in love he was with me as well. I also told her to leave her abusive marriage and maybe one day she'll find a relationship where she wasn't default #2 (and then #3) choice.

Her response? "I was a fool. I'm sorry. If you don't mind, can you tell me who the other woman was?"

It's laughable, because through all of that - she didn't give a lick about ruining my family - why would she? She didn't care about ruining her own! What did she care about? She wanted to know about the second affair partner who he "cheated on her" with. Because she couldn't swallow or fathom or even begin to comprehend that from the very first moment he flirted with her, she was already being cheated on by default because he was married to me.

My husband called her the next day and told her that he didn't love her, it was all just a fake fantasy world, it was over, never contact. She has not tried (to my knowledge). I was hoping the email would serve the purpose of crushing her feelings for him in a way that a NC phonecall from him would not (since she would've just written it off as me making him do it and he loved her, etc)

Sorry for the lengthy response - but that was my experience contacting OW#1 and OW#2. Neither "got it." Nether cared. I didn't bare my pain to them. I wanted them to "see" me as a strong person, and know that they're nothing but dirt that I'm trying to wipe off my boots.

[This message edited by Lark at 11:57 PM, June 23rd (Monday)]

lilflower1000 posted 6/24/2014 00:24 AM

She will not care... I understand COMPLETELY! But no matter how well written your explanation is, she will not understand or care. She is a self centered whore or she would not have knowingly slept with a married man. I too agonized on whether to send a letter to OW, actually I did send a letter after weeks of editing it, but it was returned to me unopened. I finally did have a last word with her through FB , but she totally turned everything around like I was a horrible person. Crazy..I was horrible for cleaning his dirty underwear, taking care of his kids ( both those who were mine and those from his first marriage), I was a bad person who didn't make him happy or he wouldn't have cheated. It is amazing the justifications they come up with. All I wanted was just a shred of remorse for destroying me or at the very least my children's lives, but believe me these type of women DO NOT CARE.. (( 12yearaloyal))

Minty posted 6/24/2014 02:55 AM

Don't do it. I know exactly where you're at in processing this nightmare. You want to make her feel some kind of remorse and pain. It's never going to happen, she knew he was married and is so self absorbed she is able to ignore the consequences because they don't affect her. She doesn't care, she's already moved on. I agree with RidingHealingRd, if the company owner is married, please find a way to tell his wife.

It's always the kindest option to yourself to take the high road, despite how excruciating it feels. I'm now seperated and heading to divorce after fake R, and I'm very proud of myself not to have descended into their sordid world. It is extremely tempting to contact OW, there's a part of me that would love to have feedback and know her reaction to the devastation she helped create. But what will I gain? It just prolongs the pain and disrupts the healing.

Focus all your energy on yourself and trust your instinct. Your WH is a piece of work, that's where you need to be vigilant, not OW. ((Hugs))

Bigger posted 6/24/2014 03:26 AM

So if your husband had a problem with booze would you write the Jack Daniels distillery a letter?
Think it would change anything if you did?
Same applies for OW. She isn’t the problem and she doesn’t give a f@ck about it.

amanda123 posted 6/24/2014 03:49 AM

Hi 12yearsloyal, I made the choice to contact the OW mainly for one reason to find out if there was anymore contact going on between WH and herself. The lack of trust that I have for him is very difficult for me to overcome. He may be totally trustworthy now and may have had absolutely no contact with her since the final email he sent to her. OW was very apologetic and regretted the whole thing and asked me how he was and not to get her wrong, she still cares deeply for both of us and if she could change it so that it never happened she said she would, ha ha as if i believe that (not so trusting anymore), so I think that she hasnt had any contact with him. I did it for peace of mind. It was because of her that it all came out initially, so i had told her what I thought of her then, since i was fishing for information and as the saying goes you catch more flies with honey javascript:AddSmily(' ')I wasnt going to go on the attack again. Just on a personal note, I am feeling ok at the moment, have changed my diet to see if that raises my platelet count and go back for more blood tests in early August.

stunnedmullet posted 6/24/2014 05:45 AM

I did contact the OW but not to tell her I was hurt but how I wasn't going to let them destroy what WH and I had. She really thought they had something special and he was going to leave me for her. I told her she was delusional and explained that she stroked his ego and his cock but she would never have what we had because pathetic excuses for women like her don't have anything special, they are just used whores. I also explained her reputation was preceding her in both areas of her professional life as my sister worked in a leading company in her field and my brother was at an army base she was heading up to. Both towns are smallish so people talk! I hope every time she met someone new she wondered if they were aware of what a slapped she truly is!

I know she didn't care about me anymore than WH did even though she was supposed to be a friend but I felt like I had to confront her for my own satisfaction

Badhurt posted 6/24/2014 05:51 AM

POS OW could care less what you think. You will realize that when your anger wears off and feel bad that you even took the time to bother.
Focus on your H . No matter what a scumbag she is, the could have been no affair without his penis, and you have to live with him.
You are very fortunate that she is in another country and you do not have to face the agony you would feel every time he left house for work if she was here and they saw each other every day.
Your husband will snap out of his fog. Most of us men do once the sex stops.
So my vote is NO: the letter will accomplish nothing.

12yearsloyal posted 6/24/2014 07:02 AM

Ok - so far it looks like the advice is to not send the email to OW.

The company owner that she is now banging is divorced. My next question, I want him to know what his new "girlfriend/whore" did to me. I know this company owner. I have met him several times. I could send him an anonymous email and tell him that she is a home wrecker. He may not care but for some reason I want him to know the complete story of why my WS resigned. WS never talked to the owner about the ho worker. He kept this a secret. Owner may have suspected and he may already know, but for some reason I feel compelled to make sure he knows. Thoughts?

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/24/2014 07:16 AM

I'd NEVER tip my hat to the OW. She can rot in hell first before I ever told her anythingabout my feelings.

The others are right. She doesn't give a rat's ass how you feel or how devastated you are. She's already moved on to her next f*ck buddy - that's how much your husband meant to her. Hope he feels like a total schmuck because he was just number 67 in the ever-increasing list of her playmates.

Lastly, never EVER hand your power over to the OW. Opening your heart up to her about how you feel and bleeding all over the floor in front of her is doing EXACTLY that - handing her your power.

If you want to tell her newest screw buddy what a whore she really is, then I say, have at it.

Bigger posted 6/24/2014 07:51 AM

See my earlier post on this subject.
So instead of writing to the Jack Daniels distillery you think it would be better to write Joe’s Bar and Grill to complain about your husband’s drinking?

Why are you so determined to hang on to the OW? Isn’t the goal to get her OUT of the marriage? Why cling on so tightly?

Schadenfreude posted 6/24/2014 08:01 AM

Lessons from Pop music, chapter XXVII

"Send it off in a letter
To yourself..."

Steely Dan, Ricky Don't Lose That Number, circa 1973.

It's the writing, not the dispatch, that makes you feel better. It organizes your thoughts which is a good thing. But the intended audience couldn't care less about your thoughts and feelings.

Image,,if you will, that you got an email from her telling you how much she loved your WH, what a great guy he was, considerate, loving, etc. how knowing him improved her life, made her see that she was capable of great love, etc. I don't think it would change one bit of how YOU think about WH. It's really the flip side of what you plan to send to her.

12yearsloyal posted 6/24/2014 08:16 AM


I don't feel I am necessarily clinging. I know either of these people OW and the company owner don't give a rats ass about me and I am not looking for that to change.

My thinking is the company owner will be put on alert as to the real reputation of his new girlfriend. AKA the whore. Is it wrong to call a spade a spade? I often wonder if we the BS are too quiet and not standing up for ourselves by not outing these evil people for what they really are. The whore is most likely going after company owner for his money, which of course is his problem if he can't figure that out. Regardless, a part of me is feeling compelled to rat her out to him.

Bigger posted 6/24/2014 08:20 AM

No – You are justifying your need for revenge.

This site is all about surviving an affair. IMHO that requires that we walk away from it. The OW actions and future are of no consequence to you as long as it doesn’t impact your marriage.

Every second you spend thinking of her once the affair is over… that’s time wasted.

If you call this woman a whore then what name do you use on your husband? In my book then he has committed the greater transgression on you.

theroadahead posted 6/24/2014 08:22 AM

I wouldn't send it to the OW. It gives her too much power. It's likely she wouldn't give a crap anyway.

I did write a letter to the OW just as a way for me to purge my feelings. Never sent it to her but instead had my WH read it.

Badhurt posted 6/24/2014 08:26 AM

It's the company owners problem how many guys she has banged, not yours. What do you owe him???
He probably does and just wants a piece of ass
Concentrate on your marriage and if you want it

tushnurse posted 6/24/2014 08:28 AM

Write the letter, write it all out. It can be very cathartic. I would tell your H to do the same if he is struggling with closure.

Nothing clarifies thoughts, like putting it in writing.

Then you take those letters you both wrote, and you burn them. YOU destroy it. You let it go up in ash. I'm telling you this is a healing experience.

I can't tell you how much stuff I wrote, and burned, and other things (things OW gave H) that I took a sledge to to destroy.

Destroying the past allows you to move to the future, because you see it wasn't real, it was fantasy, and although the pain it caused is real, the future, and here and now is much more real, and provides the opportunity to make things much much better.

(((and strength))))

12yearsloyal posted 6/24/2014 08:54 AM

My husband is a whore as well. No free pass for him. I just blame both of them. I know it is a fantasy but if every woman said NO to any married man that wanted her ass there would be no betrayal, at least by another human being. They could I guess screw a goat or a sheep but that would be it. I could get over a goat much easier.

Maybe if my WS was committed to me totally with R at the moment it would be easier for me to stop thinking of the OW. He is using the excuse of waiting for his IC meeting to figure out his direction. This is bull shit.

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