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WH dropped bomb - He's on his way back to an A

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HurtButHoping12 posted 6/24/2014 09:29 AM

A few nights ago, I found evidence that WH was texting a girl we are no longer friends with - she was an Ow and told me and it ended badly, with her MM threatening my life and calling me names because I told the BW about the affair.

I confronted WH about it and he lied to me for over an hour, until I kept pressing and he finally told me the truth, that he had needed someone to talk to because he was freaking out that I had just found out that I was pregnant. I ended up miscarrying the day after I told him.

We have been up until 2 or 3am every night since then, talking and hashing it all out. Somehow, I've remained very calm and talked him through all his problems. He is in the process of getting some free counseling through work.

Last night, he told me that he feet like he was on the slippery slope, headed towards another affair, and probably would have had one if not for being caught texting this girl. This just devastates me. I know it's not my fault, but what the hell! He thinks things are so bad and stressful, when really, it's all in his head. I'm a great wife, we have great kids, and a great life. He gets it in his head that there are all these things to worry and stress over, and then he inches toward that escape from real life.

In reality, he is dwelling on crap that happened several years ago, and the only real stress is that I am facing 3-4 surgeries this summer, after being involved in a really bad head-on collision on November. But I'm fine and grateful to be alive!

I just can't believe we are back to this. I want to be angry at him, but I just feel disappointed, let down and sad. I'm wondering if I made a HUGE mistake, Ring with him 3 years ago. I'm wondering if I'm making another mistake, now, talking things out with him. I feel like I should run. He obviously has a ton of issues, I believe stemming from his upbringing, but I can't go through another affair. It would absolutely destroy me.

I just don't know what to do! Why does this have to all fall on me, AGAIN!

strongerdaybyday posted 6/24/2014 09:41 AM

His actions make me think he would not have any problems taking an A underground should you get suspicious.

Last night, he told me that he feet like he was on the slippery slope, headed towards another affair, and probably would have had one if not for being caught texting this girl.

Meaning - he would have definitely had an A but got caught too soon.

I feel like I should run.
I agree. He has issues he needs to work out. IDK about you but Dday 1 was hard enough to deal with I don't think I could handle another.


7yrsflushed posted 6/24/2014 09:49 AM

It sounds like he has done ZERO work on resolving his issues. By his own admission he was headed towards and A but you caught him. Is this a delabreaker for you? What has he done or is willing to do to truly figure out WTF is wrong with him. He continues to have wayard tendencies but is he actually doing anything about them except talking about it. If he never did the work after his original DDay then at a minimum he is a dry adulterer and you are likely in false R. If he doesn't fix himself at some point he WILL drop another Dday on you. Just my 2 cents.

brokeninfl posted 6/24/2014 09:56 AM

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

Last night, he told me that he feet like he was on the slippery slope, headed towards another affair, and probably would have had one if not for being caught texting this girl.

I know this is horrible to hear. And painful to experiance. I can understand why you would want to run. Your WS has just told you he hasn't handled his shit. He's not safe right now. He's told you this flat out.

At the same time, I don't think you should beat yourself up if you did want to talk it though with him. The fact that he recognizes he was on the slipry slop - is a *small* glimer of hope.

What is he going to do figure out why he was willing to go down that path again? Does he have a plan? If he doesn't figure it out - you know where this is going to lead.

Absent emotion - did you feel like he did the work the first time? It would make me particularly nervous if I felt like he really dug deep - and still ended up here.

Most importantly - take car of yourself.

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/24/2014 10:15 AM

He really hasn't done any work to fix himself. I don't think in the last 3 years he has had an A or was working up to one. He has HORRIBLE boundaries and has had one boundary slip up with a friend, but we worked through that. But Yeah, this is major. It's so freaking hard because I love him but I don't want to send him the message that I will put up with this shit. I've done this 4 freaking times with him - caught him texting with girls, and the last time he left me for someone. We have talked for the past 3 nights and the only good things I can say is, he's owned up to some pretty shitty things he thought and said while in the A, and he sought out counseling himself, I didn't have to badger him.

But are these things enough?! I have 3 young kids to think about.

To further complicate things... I'm expected to come into a large sum of money in the next month or two (insurance settlement relating to the car accident). I'm worried he's sticking around because of that, or that he might screw me out of it. I don't want to think that, that is the case, but I also didn't want to think he would ever do this shit to me!!

Faithful w/Love posted 6/24/2014 10:25 AM

It sounds like you are going to have more Dday's. And trust me when I say this: He never ever stopped his wayward actions or thinking. I know because I have a wh just like that. He feels entitled to do what he wants to do and blame it on stress. I call bullshit on that. It is an excuse. If anyone should be stressed out should be you! You were in the car accident, you have to have surgery, you take care of the little ones and now you have the stress of always being worried that he will have yet another A. And/or that he is using you for the money that you will get.

He needs to get his shit right or you my dear are going to be in hurt and pain for the rest of your marriage.

I know you love him, we all know how you feel but sometimes you have to love yourself more because in the end you and your kids are all you have.

Lovedyoumore posted 6/24/2014 10:40 AM

He has shown you who and what he is. Listen to your inner voice, not his emotionally abusive crap. He screws up, breaks your heart, abuses your trust and when caught, he makes it about him so you will feel sorry for him. He is manipulating you into not taking action. He needs to grow up and quit making excuses for his really bad behavior.

You cannot save him. He needs therapy and a good kick in the ass when you tell him to get out until he finds a legitimate stress relief.

I went through a major marriage crisis at your age with an immature husband, horrible inlaws, major FOO issues and near bankruptcy. I stuck with him because we had young kids, therapy seemed to change him for the better, and he promised me a good life with him. Then, after sticking with him for over 30 years I get repaid with an A and an OW 20 years younger. I wish I had left at age 30 when he showed me what a screw up he really was. The FOO issues never really left. I could have had a much better life, even if I had been alone.

You are very young. I hope you keep your self respect and take care of yourself, with or without him. Do not let his inability to cope change who you were meant to be.

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/24/2014 10:50 AM

Lovedyoumore- man, you hit the nail on the head. That is our life... immature husband, crappy in laws, and we have gone through a bankruptcy. YES, he makes it all about him and I feel like he is emotionally manipulating me. Ugh!

I'm so scared. I'm a SAHM, I can't work right now because the extent of my injuries. We rent this house from his parents. I have no idea where I would go or what I would do. I'm just so disappointed, I really thought that we were going to make it and that he really wanted to change. Turns out, he is a liar and doesn't care that when he is "stressed", I'm the one who gets punished. This whole thing is awful, and talk about shitty timing... antiversary is July 6 and I'm dealing with all this physical pain and facing all these surgeries. Unreal. Thanks for the 2x4s, he had me sucked back in pretty good.

kima posted 6/24/2014 11:09 AM

I am so sorry. This has been my fear and feel it probably always will be.

Lovedyoumore posted 6/24/2014 11:31 AM

I too have been a SAHW for our marriage, his decision, so I could be the good corporate wife, entertain, travel, and move when we needed to for his career.

Your housing with your inlaws should not change because their grandchildren need a place to live. No matter what happens between you and their son, the children need a safe life. If you need to separate, how about using a plan where the children stay in place in the family home. You and your H come and go depending on the custody schedule. A family member did that when their kids were teenagers and it worked well. The kids were not uprooted or inconvenienced and they got to stay in their schools. The parents shared a condo that they rotated in and out of, depending on the custody schedule. If your parents are close, you could go there. You stay during the day, just as you do now, and on his nights and weekends, you leave. He could go to his parents house on his nights and weekends away from kids while you are there. I hope that made sense. Children will adapt as long as there is no drama making them anxious.

Good luck. You will feel better when you make a plan. Sorry about the upcoming medical stress.

Rebreather posted 6/24/2014 11:40 AM

If he does not make significant changes in himself, this will be the pattern of your life. Forever. It will not stop. Cut your losses and get out now, because I don't see him on his knees sobbing, asking what is wrong with him, and that he has an IC appintment today. Right? He has to make major changes in himself to be a safe partner for you. Start working the 180, make a plan for yourself to get out. Perhaps your settlement can be your ticket out (but I'd check with your attorney because if you are still having surgeries it's unlikely to settle at the end of the summer).

SpecialK posted 6/24/2014 11:42 AM

You say you're coming into an insurance settlement? Have you talked to an attorney? Okay, this is my overactive mind going to work, from all the detective shows I watch....You need to keep the money totally separate from your joint funds until you feel secure with him. And I would "tell" him you have written explicate instructions as to where it goes and who is responsible in case something "happens" to you. Also, throw in that if something does happen to you, you want the police to investigate him CLOSELY! Give someone you trust 100% a copy of it and don't tell him who...

He needs to figure out why he is so attracted to the type of person that cheats. I guess that is one of the many character differences. You stood your moral ground and did the right thing when you uncovered the x friends affair, he sounds like he would jump into an affair with both feet.

Didact posted 6/24/2014 11:47 AM

Talk to your attorney about this before signing any paperwork related to the car accident settlement. This is especially important if the release requires signatures from both of you.

You should also talk with a family law attorney before you cash that check.

Get armed with knowledge quickly on this front, just accepting the money and tossing into the joint account may be a bad idea.

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/24/2014 11:58 AM

It's a policy limits settlement so it doesn't matter if I'm still being treated, I'm being awarded the Max they will pay out.

My settlement is solely in my hands, but our daughter's settlement is being handled with him as the trustee. That, however, is going into a trust until she is 25.

I've been mulling this over in my head for months and I'm going to talk it over with my attorney.

WH came home for lunch and I just lost it ion him. He as usual makes it about him and how screwed up he is. Yeah, I realize that. I brought up the fact that he isn't trying desperately to prove himself, like putting a tracker on frustratinVHFhis phone ETC and he counters with "Well I told you you could do it if you wanted to"... he doesn't get that I DON'T WANT TO BE HIS BABYSITTER! I want HIM to be proactive!

I have so much crap to do and I can't seem to get going because I'm stewing over this stuff. It's so FRUSTRATING.

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/24/2014 11:59 AM

Oh, and to add, it's a personal injury settlement so WH isn't entitled to it whatsoever, nor should it be counted when figuring child support, etc. It's tax free and not counted as income because of it being related to personal injury.

CharachterReveal posted 6/24/2014 13:47 PM

Oh, and to add, it's a personal injury settlement so WH isn't entitled to it whatsoever, nor should it be counted when figuring child support, etc. It's tax free and not counted as income because of it being related to personal injury.

Talk to a lawyer. DO NOT MIX SETTLEMENT with marital funds!! Separate bank account in your name only.

doggiediva posted 6/24/2014 13:58 PM

What lovedyoumore and character reveal said, read and reread...

Added to what character reveal wrote..Keep settlement under your own name...Good rule of thumb is to not touch it at all for the time being..If you have to access it out of need, do not SPEND the money on anything that can be traced to the marriage, kids or livelihood at home..Maybe spend it on what seems to be a medical expense .. Don't even spend this money on the kids until you have had excellent legal advice with a legal separation or D in place...

I am looking down the barrel of financial ruin or endless struggle if I D, which I have to do get my dignity back..

I am a retiree who retired for health reasons..When you mention being unable to work due to the extent of your injuries and talk about disability, I know what you mean..Did you meet and get the help of a social worker during your hospitalization ? My state has had grants in place for victims of trauma and especially victims of violent crime (if your accident had been due to drunk driver in my state you would qualify) ...Your social worker (in patient) should have been able to put you on the fast track of being paid SSI disability (permanent or temporary )

The one thing that postpones my filing for D is that I am unable to work full time due to mobility issues ( spinal issues)

I went thru my first D day at your age and my WS had similar issues and mindset..

I wish I had left him and never looked back when I was in my 30's..I am twice your age now...

I would have had time to rebuild my life to make a comfortable retirement without having to split the retirement funds..

Now I can't see a way out of the marriage without facing extreme struggle on my own..

Protect yourself legally..If your WH is remorseful and you find your way back to him, he should understand your need to protect your future...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:20 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

HurtButHoping12 posted 6/24/2014 16:31 PM

I was never sent a social worker while I was in the hospital for a week, and I don't qualify for disability because I haven't worked enough. I've been a SAHM for 8 years and I'm only 30. Our state kinda sucks for disability related to car accidents. I'm currently waiting for my different doctors to decide a plan of action with my surgeries - I have a ton of tears and injuries in my dominant hand, a pin that needs to come out of the other hand (broke it in the accident), a labral tear in my hip, a rotator cuff injury in my dominant arm, and a severe sprain to an ankle that was also broken and surgically repaired because of the accident. 😒

Cherry on the top of the car accident shit storm... the idiot who hit me just got arrested for DWI and making an unsafe turn on June 21. I can't even Sue him because he doesn't have anything. Luckily my 7 year old, who had horrible head and neck injuries, made a full recovery.

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