I confronted WH about it and he lied to me for over an hour, until I kept pressing and he finally told me the truth, that he had needed someone to talk to because he was freaking out that I had just found out that I was pregnant. I ended up miscarrying the day after I told him.
We have been up until 2 or 3am every night since then, talking and hashing it all out. Somehow, I've remained very calm and talked him through all his problems. He is in the process of getting some free counseling through work.
Last night, he told me that he feet like he was on the slippery slope, headed towards another affair, and probably would have had one if not for being caught texting this girl. This just devastates me. I know it's not my fault, but what the hell! He thinks things are so bad and stressful, when really, it's all in his head. I'm a great wife, we have great kids, and a great life. He gets it in his head that there are all these things to worry and stress over, and then he inches toward that escape from real life.
In reality, he is dwelling on crap that happened several years ago, and the only real stress is that I am facing 3-4 surgeries this summer, after being involved in a really bad head-on collision on November. But I'm fine and grateful to be alive!
I just can't believe we are back to this. I want to be angry at him, but I just feel disappointed, let down and sad. I'm wondering if I made a HUGE mistake, Ring with him 3 years ago. I'm wondering if I'm making another mistake, now, talking things out with him. I feel like I should run. He obviously has a ton of issues, I believe stemming from his upbringing, but I can't go through another affair. It would absolutely destroy me.
I just don't know what to do! Why does this have to all fall on me, AGAIN!
On the fence... do I stay or do
Last night, he told me that he feet like he was on the slippery slope, headed towards another affair, and probably would have had one if not for being caught texting this girl.
Meaning - he would have definitely had an A but got caught too soon.
I feel like I should run.
R? D? I don't know...
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
I know this is horrible to hear. And painful to experiance. I can understand why you would want to run. Your WS has just told you he hasn't handled his shit. He's not safe right now. He's told you this flat out.
At the same time, I don't think you should beat yourself up if you did want to talk it though with him. The fact that he recognizes he was on the slipry slop - is a *small* glimer of hope.
What is he going to do figure out why he was willing to go down that path again? Does he have a plan? If he doesn't figure it out - you know where this is going to lead.
Absent emotion - did you feel like he did the work the first time? It would make me particularly nervous if I felt like he really dug deep - and still ended up here.
Most importantly - take car of yourself.
Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
But are these things enough?! I have 3 young kids to think about.
To further complicate things... I'm expected to come into a large sum of money in the next month or two (insurance settlement relating to the car accident). I'm worried he's sticking around because of that, or that he might screw me out of it. I don't want to think that, that is the case, but I also didn't want to think he would ever do this shit to me!!
He needs to get his shit right or you my dear are going to be in hurt and pain for the rest of your marriage.
I know you love him, we all know how you feel but sometimes you have to love yourself more because in the end you and your kids are all you have.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
You cannot save him. He needs therapy and a good kick in the ass when you tell him to get out until he finds a legitimate stress relief.
I went through a major marriage crisis at your age with an immature husband, horrible inlaws, major FOO issues and near bankruptcy. I stuck with him because we had young kids, therapy seemed to change him for the better, and he promised me a good life with him. Then, after sticking with him for over 30 years I get repaid with an A and an OW 20 years younger. I wish I had left at age 30 when he showed me what a screw up he really was. The FOO issues never really left. I could have had a much better life, even if I had been alone.
You are very young. I hope you keep your self respect and take care of yourself, with or without him. Do not let his inability to cope change who you were meant to be.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
I'm so scared. I'm a SAHM, I can't work right now because the extent of my injuries. We rent this house from his parents. I have no idea where I would go or what I would do. I'm just so disappointed, I really thought that we were going to make it and that he really wanted to change. Turns out, he is a liar and doesn't care that when he is "stressed", I'm the one who gets punished. This whole thing is awful, and talk about shitty timing... antiversary is July 6 and I'm dealing with all this physical pain and facing all these surgeries. Unreal. Thanks for the 2x4s, he had me sucked back in pretty good.
Your housing with your inlaws should not change because their grandchildren need a place to live. No matter what happens between you and their son, the children need a safe life. If you need to separate, how about using a plan where the children stay in place in the family home. You and your H come and go depending on the custody schedule. A family member did that when their kids were teenagers and it worked well. The kids were not uprooted or inconvenienced and they got to stay in their schools. The parents shared a condo that they rotated in and out of, depending on the custody schedule. If your parents are close, you could go there. You stay during the day, just as you do now, and on his nights and weekends, you leave. He could go to his parents house on his nights and weekends away from kids while you are there. I hope that made sense. Children will adapt as long as there is no drama making them anxious.
Good luck. You will feel better when you make a plan. Sorry about the upcoming medical stress.
He needs to figure out why he is so attracted to the type of person that cheats. I guess that is one of the many character differences. You stood your moral ground and did the right thing when you uncovered the x friends affair, he sounds like he would jump into an affair with both feet.
You should also talk with a family law attorney before you cash that check.
Get armed with knowledge quickly on this front, just accepting the money and tossing into the joint account may be a bad idea.
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
My settlement is solely in my hands, but our daughter's settlement is being handled with him as the trustee. That, however, is going into a trust until she is 25.
I've been mulling this over in my head for months and I'm going to talk it over with my attorney.
WH came home for lunch and I just lost it ion him. He as usual makes it about him and how screwed up he is. Yeah, I realize that. I brought up the fact that he isn't trying desperately to prove himself, like putting a tracker on frustratinVHFhis phone ETC and he counters with "Well I told you you could do it if you wanted to"... he doesn't get that I DON'T WANT TO BE HIS BABYSITTER! I want HIM to be proactive!
I have so much crap to do and I can't seem to get going because I'm stewing over this stuff. It's so FRUSTRATING.
Oh, and to add, it's a personal injury settlement so WH isn't entitled to it whatsoever, nor should it be counted when figuring child support, etc. It's tax free and not counted as income because of it being related to personal injury.
Added to what character reveal wrote..Keep settlement under your own name...Good rule of thumb is to not touch it at all for the time being..If you have to access it out of need, do not SPEND the money on anything that can be traced to the marriage, kids or livelihood at home..Maybe spend it on what seems to be a medical expense .. Don't even spend this money on the kids until you have had excellent legal advice with a legal separation or D in place...
I am looking down the barrel of financial ruin or endless struggle if I D, which I have to do get my dignity back..
I am a retiree who retired for health reasons..When you mention being unable to work due to the extent of your injuries and talk about disability, I know what you mean..Did you meet and get the help of a social worker during your hospitalization ? My state has had grants in place for victims of trauma and especially victims of violent crime (if your accident had been due to drunk driver in my state you would qualify) ...Your social worker (in patient) should have been able to put you on the fast track of being paid SSI disability (permanent or temporary )
The one thing that postpones my filing for D is that I am unable to work full time due to mobility issues ( spinal issues)
I went thru my first D day at your age and my WS had similar issues and mindset..
I wish I had left him and never looked back when I was in my 30's..I am twice your age now...
I would have had time to rebuild my life to make a comfortable retirement without having to split the retirement funds..
Now I can't see a way out of the marriage without facing extreme struggle on my own..
Protect yourself legally..If your WH is remorseful and you find your way back to him, he should understand your need to protect your future...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:20 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]
Cherry on the top of the car accident shit storm... the idiot who hit me just got arrested for DWI and making an unsafe turn on June 21. I can't even Sue him because he doesn't have anything. Luckily my 7 year old, who had horrible head and neck injuries, made a full recovery.