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User Topic: When do I tell him to get his stuff and go?
Jomarion
♀ 43659
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He went on antidepressants. He said after they take effect it will give him the courage to phone for help. Now almost three weeks later, he says he will NEVER phone. Says he must do the work to change on his own, and I am controlling him when I ask him to go forhelp. I told him if he will not phone for help he must leave. What is a reasonable amount of time, a time limit to tell him to get out? Also his stuff which is in the driveway and in bags in a room. Do I wait until he finds another place?

He had not been living here, but was staying for a few weeks after his son's suicide as he couldn't be in his own house. But the house he was in the process of renting fell through, he's been here six months almost now.

I am starting this new post because my reply under 'I told him what a shit he is' seems to be getting no replies. There is more detail there concerning my situation telling him to leave.

I am so scared. Paralyzed. Just drinking lots of coffee, teary-eyed and shaking. He will not go quietly. What preparations do I need to make beforehand when I give him a time to be out? I WILLNOT go to a shelter. The police have been encouraging me to phone if I am concerned, but the police may only make it worse, get him angrier. Do I continue to ask him to phone? I have farm animals and will not leave them. My son can stay at a safe place with his dad. Remember, he has vindictive children who in the least have attachment disorders and are charming and lovely to strangers. Even he has said he is afraid of them. (But to their face of course is normal and nice.)

Please tell me the truth, but gently, as I am still in love with him and it is very hard to do this, if I can do this.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
ShiningAutumn8
42558
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Id say give him 3 days to be out. Its not your problem he doesn't have a place to go. He is a grown man and can figure something out. That's the co-dependent in you, worrying about where will he go. He'll be fine.

Quit worrying about angering him. Call the police when you need to. Ask the police legally if you can kick him out. If he has no legal recourse to be there, have the police come to escort him out. File a restraining order if he threatens or becomes physically or verbally abusive. (Physical abuse includes throwing objects at wall, destroying property, etc).

Don't be afraid of his children - you have police a phone call away. Get orders against them too if necessary.

Do NOT ask him to make the call again. For gods sake, you have asked enough. You shouldn't HAVE to ask again. He doesn't want to do it. That is his choice.


Posts: 615 | Registered: Feb 2014
Jomarion
♀ 43659
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks,Shining Autumn, for replying so quickly as well. He is coming here soon and I want to be mentally prepared. This is my house legally, so he has no power to stay here, I already checked. He will ignore my requests to take his stuff.(I'm 'controlling') If he does, can I just leave it on the edge of the drive?

I partly do not want to give him any notice. He didn't give me notice and say 'Hey, in a week I am going to betray you, so get prepared.'


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Jomarion
♀ 43659
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks,Shining Autumn, for replying so quickly as well. He is coming here soon and I want to be mentally prepared. This is my house legally, so he has no power to stay here, I already checked. He will ignore my requests to take his stuff.(I'm 'controlling') If he does, can I just leave it on the edge of the drive?

I partly do not want to give him any notice. He didn't give me notice and say 'Hey, in a week I am going to betray you, so get prepared.'


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Tell him to leave immediately. Have a phone ready to call the police and if he makes any gesture at all or raises his voice, run to the bathroom (or another room if you have a lock on it), lock yourself in, and call the police to have him removed. This is YOUR house and YOU have the absolute right to feel safe in it. Once he's gone, I would also suggest having the entire place re-keyed in case he or his fucktard spawn have keys.

Heck, if his stuff is in the driveway, then I'd sling the bags out there too and just lock the door. He doesn't really need to come into your house. If you are physically unable to jettison the stuff in the room, then lock the door, tell him to take his stuff from the driveway, and arrange a time, later, when you can have a couple of very large friends to be with you for him to pick up the in-house stuff. Or hire a couple of off-duty cops to be your "witnesses."

(((hugs))) Getting him out is really a first step for security for you. You don't need this kind of stress and anguish in your life.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5217 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made it easy.

I packed his stuff in hefty bags and left everything on his parent's front lawn.

We were able to R, but at the time I wasn't willing to take any shit.

I made my point.

I agree with Skan, be prepared to call for assistance.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:52 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
12yearsloyal
♀ 43064
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please forgive me everyone but I laughed so hard when I read Skan's sentence on the spawn. OMG that was funny. Sorry I am too new to have any good advice on this bag packing situation but I am thinking of you. All of us BS need to have a laugh now and then even though I know how painful and serious this is. Strength to you.


Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs) D Day 3/10/14
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
What I want: Profound, deep, passionate love.
What I got: Betrayal, heartache and Xanax.

Posts: 182 | Registered: Apr 2014
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Sad  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Jormarion

(((gently)))

My vote is for NOW.

Why wait any longer? What is a few days going to get you?

All the bargaining in the world isn't going to change him unless he wants to change.

Stop accepting his excuses.

Do I continue to ask him to phone?

No, he has had many opportunities why would asking him again be any different?

police may only make it worse, get him angrier

Please be careful. Call the police. If he is also violent then you are being abused mentally and physically. You and your son deserve better.

Stay strong. Sorry you are here.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:48 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Apr 2013
Hidingmyhurt
♀ 43525
Member # 43525
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Instead of going to a shelter to stay, you might be able to get help getting him out of the home at a local women's center. They can consider actions like an OP, which would get him out of the house immediately.
In Illinois, we actually can not ask someone to just leave, but they have to be served with notice. Check in your area to see if you have similar rules. The police would know this.

(((((HUGS))))


Me: BW 39
Him: STBXWH 47
Married 10 years
2 sons, 14 and 9
DDays 2004,2008,2012 and 5/8/14

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
cantgetup
♀ 36146
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's truly a safety issue and you are concerned for your safety then you have to stop worrying about everyone and everything else. Find someone to temporarily care for animals at the same time you initiate him leaving. Just in case something doesn't go as planned, take all the time you need to protect yourself, your property and your pets. And then kick him out. If there is a history with your police department and altercations with him, I might call them in advance and let them know what you are doing and when. Maybe they can even be in the neighborhood. Same thing for moving out day.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
Jomarion
♀ 43659
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow it feels WONDERFUL to hear his kids called 'fucktard spawn'. Thanks, Skan!


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
heme
♀ 40684
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Id tell him to leave now. Do you have a close friend who can be with you while you tell him to leave? That way you aren't alone and you have someone to boost you up and help you go through with it if needed. When my ass of a brother was kicked out of his apartment by his ex-wife I helped her bag up his crap and dump it on the doorstep then waited with her and my nephews for him to get back. He didn't start anything because he knew I could kick his ass from there to Texas and back. Im pretty sure it would have been worse for my sister in law (I still consider her a sister, she is more of a sibling to me than my siblings are) if I hadn't been there since he knew he could bully her into letting him stay.


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
Jomarion
♀ 43659
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That day he came here to my house and I was genuinely detached, do not know how I got to that point. I was not afraid, I was calm, sad he was going, but accepting.

I did not talk to him at all, but then he opened up on his own, completely uncharacteristic of him. Usually lets me do the talking, then complains I 'control'. He told me he had made that phone call to Respect. He said that he will seek help, but he did not feel they were the ones.(I had told him that I at least expected him to make the phone call, and that I needed to see he was going for help, if not there, then another place or method). I told him I want him to tell me what he is doing, use his brain, it's his job, not mine.

He said the anti-depressants are working really well(only on week three), and he needs to make changes on his own, he cannot have anyone 'tell' him to change, like a group would do.

I said that I need visible facts he is changing, not just be told he is thinking.

He said he will read any literature I deem important for him to read. He will study it. He will talk to me once a week about what he has read and what he is doing to change. He will tell me his 'topic' of change for that week. I feel genuine remorse, he seems very open in being critical of himself, instead of blaming others. This is very new behaviour.

Is that enough? Frankly it is the most he has done since the five years of my being nice to him. Being cold, determined, and indifferent sure makes a difference. I still feel totally unnatural doing it though.

So I said as long as I see change and that he is actively working on his bad habits, I will stay.

Am I being weak again?

I am still keeping distance, not giving in to his niceness. When he says I love you, I do not say it back, only rarely. When I say I am going out I do not say where. Sure gets him worried! Maybe it sounds mean, but I enjoy him looking scared for a change!

Why I think there is genuine remorse and change is:

He has admitted to being a sex addict. He did this all on his own, by studying his behaviours. Total shock to me he sees this. I saw it but never told him, knowing he could not accept it at the time.

For him to be open to reading literature is big proof for me, as he hates to read. I had asked him to read stuff for years, he had always refused.

Is answering questions about the affair in a calm and loving manner.

I had told him he needed to see a doctor for years about his depression. Never went. But he has now gone and is even pleased he has gone. In his culture it is a HUGE shame to go to the doctor about mental health. He is a 'tough guy' type person too, so it means letting down huge walls and making himself vulnerable in ways he's never done in his life.

In general he is being very gentle and kind to me, taking me for meals a lot,trying to do happy things together.

Do not know if this is a start, or he is just afraid of losing his place here to live.

I also see how I contribute to his taking me for granted. After I told him to leave, he phoned me up and complained the door was not left open for him so he could get a cup of coffee in my house. I said 'It's over'. Why would I leave the door open so you can make your coffee?' It was then I realised how he expected me to keep the door open, no matter what I say, because that is what I always did. I am beginning to see how my behaviours have let him be totally unresponsible for his bad behaviour. I amnot saying it is my fault, but it is my fault to not protect myself when someone, even one I love, is not nice to me.

I realise I must be strong enough to leave him. Not 'pretend' or 'threaten' to go. To really go.

This might seem obvious to you people, but to me it is an 'ahha!' moment

I know I have been through shit, but is his behaviour suggestive of genuine change on his part, or have I just caved in again, and accepting promises/manipulations?

My WBF has asked me to go camping with him (in his first attempts to repair all the damage he's caused) and I said yes. So will be unavailable on the computer awhile. But then I am making plans for me - going to an alumni dinner on my own at Cambridge University where my very good (male) friend is giving a talk. Have not even told my WBF I am going. In the past I would have 'asked' him if he was OK with that. Now I am leaving him to comfort himself. He would always get nervous when I saw my university friends because he felt he did not add up. Now I am going, if he feels that way, it is his problem, not mine.

And I will also be keeping my distance. That day I was scared, I did phone the police, and I saw that they were parked just down the road, I do not think it was a coincidence they were there. So I feel a little more protected, that people are not all being duped by his charming, sweet, poor victimized 'fucktard spawn' kids.

Thanks everybody. This sure is hard work, reclaiming my life back. You are all helping me to do it. I also see how I have been co-dependent for my whole life, and this mess I am in was always simmering, ready to blow, at some point in my life.

If I am still being duped by his current gestures, I will also be stronger. If you could have seen me during his affair, I was a pleading, cowering, begging, terrified, physically ill mess. I did not eat, sleep, bathe. I have come a long way already.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Badhurt
♂ 41947
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WBF has asked me to go camping with him (in his first attempts to repair all the damage he's caused) and I said yes. So will be unavailable on the computer awhile. But then I am making plans for me - going to an alumni dinner on my own at Cambridge University where my very good (male) friend is giving a talk. Have not even told my WBF I am going. In the past I would have 'asked' him if he was OK with that. Now I am leaving him to comfort himself. He would always get nervous when I saw my university friends because he felt he did not add up. Now I am going, if he feels that way, it is his problem, not min

Jomarion

Not sure what this means. It is good you are detaching but when you mention friend is a male are you saying you are either setting up a date or revenge affair? If so, I do not think that is a good idea.

Nothing wrong with going to reunion or whatever it is, but with a person you had to call police on, you should be very careful about becoming a cheater yourself. I am hoping that is not what you have planned, because it not only is below you, but it could wind up being dangerous for you in the future if he finds out or you tell him.

I would recommend you resolve this issue one way or the other before you start seeing other men.
Just hoping that is not what you had planned.

Stay safe.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
ShiningAutumn8
42558
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk is very cheap and easy, and that's all he's giving you so far.

He says he will call. He says he will read the books. Its been 1 day, and he's being sweet, communicating, etc.

I say, have him move out as planned, and once he has actually DONE these things, then consider getting back together.

What this also shows me - is he has been capable of this all along, that he knew what it took to help you, but chose not to do it (until he was faced with losing his place to leave).

He had planned on renting a house 6 months ago, and it fell through. I say have him find another house to rent. THen you can see how things go and if he really does what he claims he is going to do. I suspect he wont.

In other words, yes you are basically falling for his hovering and nice words and lip service. You are giving the message -- it doesn't take much to win me back over


Posts: 615 | Registered: Feb 2014
Jomarion
♀ 43659
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Badhurt and Shining Autumn. I absolutely do not plan on cheating! He is a good friend who is married, I am friends with him, supported him through a previous failed marriage with nothing ever happening between us, his new wife and I are friends too, I would not do that to her or him, even if I had the power to. Even during and right after my WBF's affair, there was a man who told my mother he was in love with me. I did like him, and if I had wanted to, I could have cheated then. I had an internal block, would not stoop to that level, I would've hated myself if I had. Thanks for reminding me to be safe.

Shining Autumn, you bring up some things I need to consider. In my efforts to make it OK, I think I can be 'won back' easily. Yes, he could have done these things years ago. And yes, with him talk can be very cheap. He is trying to change, and is changing, but yes, maybe I need to get stronger still.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad that I was able to give you a (probably) much needed smile with my much-fabled potty-mouth.

Stay aloof. Stay detached. Observe his actions, not words, as if you were a scientist looking for the truth. You've been the one giving all, suffering all. See your bank account with his name on it not only overdrawn, but about to be foreclosed on. He needs to make some serious, very long-lasting deposits into that account before it's even out of foreclosure. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5217 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
k9lover1
♀ 8531
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are afraid of this man.

You consider calling the police on him,

and yet

you are going camping - alone - in the woods with him?


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8119 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Jomarion
♀ 43659
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

k-9 lover, yes, what an accurate point you made. I am pathetic. I went camping, but it was a public place. I think my fear is becoming normalized to me. He can be so sweet, it makes me forget the other side. Then I get confused. My FOO issues are prominent, I see now.

Yes, Skan, thanks for reminding me to stay aloof. It is really hard to do, not in my nature at all. When I think of his kids, I think of 'fucktard spawn' instead; gives me strength. Got angry at him today at how he did not protect me when his kids were so horrible to me, encouraged his kids to be nasty to me. He is trying to be open, honest. But it is not enough. He is so clueless, or wants to be clueless. Then when I make suggestions, he calls it control. But for him, inertia is control. Willnot accept accountability. Even when he admitted the affair, he said the OW made him! I said, oh, so were you raped? He said no, and slowly admitted culpability, but slowly.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Gotmegood
♀ 41407
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep this in mind: this WBF has been a bit unbalanced, and is admitting to himself and to you that he has sex addict behaviors. This is serious business. It is nearly impossible to 'fix' these behaviors without professional help. Think about those addicted to drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes. It isn't easy. He WILL slip back into his regular coping mechanisms.
I think you need to continue detaching. I think you need to physically separate from him. I think you should NOT EVEN CONSIDER an ongoing relationship with him until he has a bunch of therapy under his belt. You can still love him, but love him from a safe place. Of course he said he made a phone call, but decided it wasn't the right place. He needs a track record of positive actions for you to consider becoming vulnerable to him again. Plus, you need some IC for yourself, like starting yesterday. It's hard for you to change too, but with some insight and back-up from a trained psychologist, you will find it easier to stick to a healthy plan and healthy self care for yourself.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 20

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