He had not been living here, but was staying for a few weeks after his son's suicide as he couldn't be in his own house. But the house he was in the process of renting fell through, he's been here six months almost now.
I am starting this new post because my reply under 'I told him what a shit he is' seems to be getting no replies. There is more detail there concerning my situation telling him to leave.
I am so scared. Paralyzed. Just drinking lots of coffee, teary-eyed and shaking. He will not go quietly. What preparations do I need to make beforehand when I give him a time to be out? I WILLNOT go to a shelter. The police have been encouraging me to phone if I am concerned, but the police may only make it worse, get him angrier. Do I continue to ask him to phone? I have farm animals and will not leave them. My son can stay at a safe place with his dad. Remember, he has vindictive children who in the least have attachment disorders and are charming and lovely to strangers. Even he has said he is afraid of them. (But to their face of course is normal and nice.)
Please tell me the truth, but gently, as I am still in love with him and it is very hard to do this, if I can do this.
Quit worrying about angering him. Call the police when you need to. Ask the police legally if you can kick him out. If he has no legal recourse to be there, have the police come to escort him out. File a restraining order if he threatens or becomes physically or verbally abusive. (Physical abuse includes throwing objects at wall, destroying property, etc).
Don't be afraid of his children - you have police a phone call away. Get orders against them too if necessary.
Do NOT ask him to make the call again. For gods sake, you have asked enough. You shouldn't HAVE to ask again. He doesn't want to do it. That is his choice.
I partly do not want to give him any notice. He didn't give me notice and say 'Hey, in a week I am going to betray you, so get prepared.'
Heck, if his stuff is in the driveway, then I'd sling the bags out there too and just lock the door. He doesn't really need to come into your house. If you are physically unable to jettison the stuff in the room, then lock the door, tell him to take his stuff from the driveway, and arrange a time, later, when you can have a couple of very large friends to be with you for him to pick up the in-house stuff. Or hire a couple of off-duty cops to be your "witnesses."
(((hugs))) Getting him out is really a first step for security for you. You don't need this kind of stress and anguish in your life.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I packed his stuff in hefty bags and left everything on his parent's front lawn.
We were able to R, but at the time I wasn't willing to take any shit.
I made my point.
I agree with Skan, be prepared to call for assistance.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:52 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]
My vote is for NOW.
Why wait any longer? What is a few days going to get you?
All the bargaining in the world isn't going to change him unless he wants to change.
Stop accepting his excuses.
Do I continue to ask him to phone?
No, he has had many opportunities why would asking him again be any different?
police may only make it worse, get him angrier
Please be careful. Call the police. If he is also violent then you are being abused mentally and physically. You and your son deserve better.
Stay strong. Sorry you are here.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:48 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]
Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.
I did not talk to him at all, but then he opened up on his own, completely uncharacteristic of him. Usually lets me do the talking, then complains I 'control'. He told me he had made that phone call to Respect. He said that he will seek help, but he did not feel they were the ones.(I had told him that I at least expected him to make the phone call, and that I needed to see he was going for help, if not there, then another place or method). I told him I want him to tell me what he is doing, use his brain, it's his job, not mine.
He said the anti-depressants are working really well(only on week three), and he needs to make changes on his own, he cannot have anyone 'tell' him to change, like a group would do.
I said that I need visible facts he is changing, not just be told he is thinking.
He said he will read any literature I deem important for him to read. He will study it. He will talk to me once a week about what he has read and what he is doing to change. He will tell me his 'topic' of change for that week. I feel genuine remorse, he seems very open in being critical of himself, instead of blaming others. This is very new behaviour.
Is that enough? Frankly it is the most he has done since the five years of my being nice to him. Being cold, determined, and indifferent sure makes a difference. I still feel totally unnatural doing it though.
So I said as long as I see change and that he is actively working on his bad habits, I will stay.
Am I being weak again?
I am still keeping distance, not giving in to his niceness. When he says I love you, I do not say it back, only rarely. When I say I am going out I do not say where. Sure gets him worried! Maybe it sounds mean, but I enjoy him looking scared for a change!
Why I think there is genuine remorse and change is:
He has admitted to being a sex addict. He did this all on his own, by studying his behaviours. Total shock to me he sees this. I saw it but never told him, knowing he could not accept it at the time.
For him to be open to reading literature is big proof for me, as he hates to read. I had asked him to read stuff for years, he had always refused.
Is answering questions about the affair in a calm and loving manner.
I had told him he needed to see a doctor for years about his depression. Never went. But he has now gone and is even pleased he has gone. In his culture it is a HUGE shame to go to the doctor about mental health. He is a 'tough guy' type person too, so it means letting down huge walls and making himself vulnerable in ways he's never done in his life.
In general he is being very gentle and kind to me, taking me for meals a lot,trying to do happy things together.
Do not know if this is a start, or he is just afraid of losing his place here to live.
I also see how I contribute to his taking me for granted. After I told him to leave, he phoned me up and complained the door was not left open for him so he could get a cup of coffee in my house. I said 'It's over'. Why would I leave the door open so you can make your coffee?' It was then I realised how he expected me to keep the door open, no matter what I say, because that is what I always did. I am beginning to see how my behaviours have let him be totally unresponsible for his bad behaviour. I amnot saying it is my fault, but it is my fault to not protect myself when someone, even one I love, is not nice to me.
I realise I must be strong enough to leave him. Not 'pretend' or 'threaten' to go. To really go.
This might seem obvious to you people, but to me it is an 'ahha!' moment
I know I have been through shit, but is his behaviour suggestive of genuine change on his part, or have I just caved in again, and accepting promises/manipulations?
My WBF has asked me to go camping with him (in his first attempts to repair all the damage he's caused) and I said yes. So will be unavailable on the computer awhile. But then I am making plans for me - going to an alumni dinner on my own at Cambridge University where my very good (male) friend is giving a talk. Have not even told my WBF I am going. In the past I would have 'asked' him if he was OK with that. Now I am leaving him to comfort himself. He would always get nervous when I saw my university friends because he felt he did not add up. Now I am going, if he feels that way, it is his problem, not mine.
And I will also be keeping my distance. That day I was scared, I did phone the police, and I saw that they were parked just down the road, I do not think it was a coincidence they were there. So I feel a little more protected, that people are not all being duped by his charming, sweet, poor victimized 'fucktard spawn' kids.
Thanks everybody. This sure is hard work, reclaiming my life back. You are all helping me to do it. I also see how I have been co-dependent for my whole life, and this mess I am in was always simmering, ready to blow, at some point in my life.
If I am still being duped by his current gestures, I will also be stronger. If you could have seen me during his affair, I was a pleading, cowering, begging, terrified, physically ill mess. I did not eat, sleep, bathe. I have come a long way already.
Not sure what this means. It is good you are detaching but when you mention friend is a male are you saying you are either setting up a date or revenge affair? If so, I do not think that is a good idea.
Nothing wrong with going to reunion or whatever it is, but with a person you had to call police on, you should be very careful about becoming a cheater yourself. I am hoping that is not what you have planned, because it not only is below you, but it could wind up being dangerous for you in the future if he finds out or you tell him.
I would recommend you resolve this issue one way or the other before you start seeing other men.
Just hoping that is not what you had planned.
He says he will call. He says he will read the books. Its been 1 day, and he's being sweet, communicating, etc.
I say, have him move out as planned, and once he has actually DONE these things, then consider getting back together.
What this also shows me - is he has been capable of this all along, that he knew what it took to help you, but chose not to do it (until he was faced with losing his place to leave).
He had planned on renting a house 6 months ago, and it fell through. I say have him find another house to rent. THen you can see how things go and if he really does what he claims he is going to do. I suspect he wont.
In other words, yes you are basically falling for his hovering and nice words and lip service. You are giving the message -- it doesn't take much to win me back over
Shining Autumn, you bring up some things I need to consider. In my efforts to make it OK, I think I can be 'won back' easily. Yes, he could have done these things years ago. And yes, with him talk can be very cheap. He is trying to change, and is changing, but yes, maybe I need to get stronger still.
Stay aloof. Stay detached. Observe his actions, not words, as if you were a scientist looking for the truth. You've been the one giving all, suffering all. See your bank account with his name on it not only overdrawn, but about to be foreclosed on. He needs to make some serious, very long-lasting deposits into that account before it's even out of foreclosure. (((hugs)))
You consider calling the police on him,
you are going camping - alone - in the woods with him?
Yes, Skan, thanks for reminding me to stay aloof. It is really hard to do, not in my nature at all. When I think of his kids, I think of 'fucktard spawn' instead; gives me strength. Got angry at him today at how he did not protect me when his kids were so horrible to me, encouraged his kids to be nasty to me. He is trying to be open, honest. But it is not enough. He is so clueless, or wants to be clueless. Then when I make suggestions, he calls it control. But for him, inertia is control. Willnot accept accountability. Even when he admitted the affair, he said the OW made him! I said, oh, so were you raped? He said no, and slowly admitted culpability, but slowly.