SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Bat4583 posted 6/24/2014 11:43 AM

How did you get through the first week? I have kids to take care of and can barely get through the day.

BaseballMom31 posted 6/24/2014 12:32 PM

I wish I could help you...I am at day #17 and I am still struggling. All I can say is take it one minute at a time. I can't even take it day by day, it has to be minute by minute. It is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with...but I have to believe everyone is right....It could be worse, and it WILL get better. Try to focus on your kids, I know that is easier said than done...but you have to show them that YOU will be okay so that they know THEY will be okay. I haven't done too great at that....

I am sending you hugs...

[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 12:32 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/24/2014 12:34 PM

Well Bat, since your husband caused this shit storm to rain down upon you, then it's only fair to tell him that when he gets home from work each night, he's in charge of running the household and getting dinner and cleaning up and bathing the kids and preparing their school stuff, and all the crap you have to do in the course of an evening.

That's because you'll be on sabbatical during the evenings to get some badly deserved 'me' time.

Too bad if he doesn't like it.

Daisy312 posted 6/24/2014 12:43 PM

The first year was so difficult. I had just had a baby and had a 3yr old to care for. In a way I have been "lucky" because my FWH was and is the model FWS. He stepped up and would take care of the kids and house when he was home. When he was working I just had to suck it up and do what I needed to do. I put on my happy face and took the kids to the park, out to lunch, etc... I also had support from my mom. If you feel you need it though, ask your dr. For something. I wanted to but was breastfeeding and was scared of the effects on the baby. Try taking as much time as you can to yourself so you can mourn without worrying about your kids seeing you. I wish there was some great advice we could give you but unfortunately time is all we can hope for. Take care!

StillStanding1 posted 6/24/2014 14:47 PM

So sorry you are struggling so hard, Bat. In some ways, those early days are just a haze to me. My WH had moved out, so I felt it was up to me to be the "rock" for my kids. Did my best. It helped to try to take my focus off me and my situation.

Just take it a moment at a time. Stay hydrated. Try to get outside and work in some exercise. Exercise was my "go to" thing that helped me cope. It helped me feel better and release some of the stress. Still does. For example, I'm not a runner, but I do run.... last Thanksgiving weekend, I was so worked up, I figured I would run until I wasn't angry anymore... I ran 8 miles for the first time in my life. I could've kept going, but I thought my family would start to worry.

Coping is hard. Concentrating is hard. Find anything to do that makes you happy or brings you calm. Sometimes just cleaning out a drawer or something was a good distraction that didn't require too much effort.

All I can say is: we all feel your pain. We remember. We are sorry you are in so much pain. But it will get better. I promise! For now, just breathe. Can you see a friend? Do you have any family/friends that can take the kids for a few hours or a few days? Having a good friend to lean on can be such a relief in the early days.

Hang in there, Bat. Just breathe in and out. Drink water. Take the kids out for a walk. Try to distract yourself for a little while. And keep telling yourself: "I will be okay". You will be okay. You will.

Lark posted 6/24/2014 15:19 PM

Hugs!!

I was a complete mess the first week... I'm still a complete mess (2.5 weeks in, so I'm very new).

A few of the things that helped was I took my girls - just us - and we went out and did something fun. I took them out to a breakfast and got special Mickey pancakes. I took them to the zoo. I took them to a park. I brought them on a lot of long walks.

My mind wasn't there, though I tried and struggled and fought it to be present. But I was a total alternating-empty-hollow-shattered mess. My girls, though, at least had something to focus on and do.

I also asked MIL to watch them one night - she took them mini-golfing.

If you have friends or family who can take the kids, that can help give them normalcy while you take a long shower, or cry, or read, or whatever it is that might help you in just this sheer devastated point.

Also, I read - and my husband read - How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair - and that was very legitimating and powerful for me and helped me work through some of those initial devastated feelings. We are now reading NOT Just Friends, and I skipped and jumped around to read about coping mechanisms as well (also reading it cover to cover, but jumping around when I felt in a particularly bad cycle)

Ree555 posted 6/24/2014 15:28 PM

First week here too and also trying to figure out how to take care of my kids. It's so hard to get through the day. Can't say I have any advice at all, but you are not alone.

Bat4583 posted 6/24/2014 19:37 PM

Never again 2013
I am seriously laughing out loud about your knight in shining armor comment. Thanks, I needed that!

marriedandbroken posted 6/24/2014 21:26 PM

The first few weeks were unbelievably hard for me. Each day seemed to last forever. It was definitely the hardest weeks of my life. But I eventually found this site and it gave me alot of strength reading the very similar struggles of everyone here and also seeing that you can make it through the pain and hurt and fear.

For me, reading the BS FAQ and the 180 within that really helped me as well. I didn't implement all of the 180 but did take a few things to help me get through the day.

I'm about 5 weeks in with still no commitment from my WF but I am doing better, don't cry near as much :-) and the days are not nearly as long.

Hang in there, read all the FAQs and articles and start to form a game plan on how you might proceed.

Girlietoo posted 6/24/2014 21:41 PM

Frankly, I couldn't cope. I had only one young child to care for and I just couldn't do anything above the bare minimum. Looking back now, I don't even remember a lot. I know I was in my room crying a lot but it have no memory of where my son was.

I was "fortunate" in that my WS carried that load and I called in favours from my best friends. I served way too much cereal for dinner and he watched too much TV. But we all survived, I did what I had to do to make it through a day.

I hope you have people in real life that you can call upon for help.

inmisery1 posted 6/24/2014 23:56 PM

My h and i were on an overseas assignment, he was working in another city in this foreign country, so I was completely,alone in a strange place, i didn'nt know the language or how to get around very well. I dealt with it by drinking copious amounts of alcohol and crying constantly. OW 2 happened at home in the us, i didn't cry much, this time I'm just numb. Next one I won't give a rats ass. I think my husband is a slutty whore.

HeBrokeVows posted 6/25/2014 00:54 AM

You are in survival mode. It's ok to do the bare minimum. People ask me after I found out did I just stay in bed for days. I said no I had to get up, make breakfast for the kids, take them to school, their activities, etc. I went through the motions and when they were home, I put on movies/tv and cried my eyes out. I didn't shower for days. I was a mess. I did call on a few friends and family to help. But most of all, I saved my screaming and crying for after 8pm when the kids were asleep and talked on the phone to my support system. I didn't cook a meal for 2 1/2 months. People brought me meals and my kids just ate freezer food or mac and cheese. I barely ate. Lost 9 pounds in 6 days. Be gentle on yourself. Have no expectations. It's Ok if your kids aren't given 100% right now. You will make up for it later. Make sure they are covered and care for of course but allow yourself to just be in the moment and give yourself a break. You will survive this!

MakingMyFuture posted 6/25/2014 03:21 AM

Oh dear, please know you will get through this and it will get better.

I had a friend who could come over and feed/watch my kids on short notice. A few times used her just so I could take a nap in the middle of the day (because I had been up night after night crying). I got a prescription to help me sleep from a dr and also a short-term prescription for anxiety medication. I read read read materials.

I had (what I still believe) was PTSD. With each discovery of new information my temperature dropped and I started violently shivering...so I took LOTS of hot baths which still comfort me to this day.

A few other things that may be helpful... I lost over 30 pounds. I would forget to eat, had no appetite, and when I did eat I often couldn't keep the food down. So I kept bananas and simple crackers around and set an alarm to remind myself to eat something.

Also, when it got really bad I couldn't work, I got a note from my Dr. Which I provided to HR and took a medical leave of absence from work for 3 weeks. All I told HR was 'my family suffered a very private tragedy'. I would have burned vacation hours or even put in for disability if necessary, but my employer could tell how messed up I was and gratefully enabled me to keep my salary for those three weeks without spending vacation hours.

You are going to survive this. Your kids will be fine. Make your husband do as much as possible around the house so you can sleep and care for yourself.

And whatever you do, do not turn to alcohol. It may provide temporary relief but the pain will still be there when you stop, and you need to go through the grieving process.

Hugs,

38years posted 6/25/2014 05:26 AM

I'm not sure how I survived the 1st week. My WS TTed me . His EA took place during the same year I lost my dad and my extremely difficult mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I was and still am devastated at his selfishness. I put on a good face over the holidays, did a lot of crying, started antidepressant, contacted a marriage counselor within the first 2 weeks.
As others have said, try to eat, exercise, and stay hydrated. I lost 13 lb in a matter of a few weeks, but drank tons of water (since I felt like I was crying a gallon of tears a day).
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.

Losconang15 posted 6/25/2014 08:50 AM

I'm about 5 months out and I have 2 kids as well youngest being 1. It's definitely not an easy task but you do what you have to do. I found that school drop off/pick up was a nice little distraction even though I wanted to cry and just lay there 24/7. But your kids truly are your biggest motivators. They encourage you to get up and some how function. I honestly can't remember specifics, regarding day to day. Sort of like losing track of time. I was a mess and still have mess in my head but it gets a little better though the situation crosses my mind EVERY.STINKIN.DAY. Everyday there's a thought or reminder but it's gotten easier to handle. By easier I mean I don't breakdown completely, just mentally mostly :( horrible place to be in but it does get better. If the pain was at 100% at dday, then I'm at an 8? Still better but sucks no less. Hang in there, you'll make it thru