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BH feelings

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dana47 posted 6/24/2014 14:38 PM

I'm I foolish to think that BH is "hanging in there"? It's been 6 months since DDay and both of us have come some distance. However he rarely expresses anger toward me. Is is affectionate and loving. I fear he is blaming my actions on my difficult childhood.

totalheartbreak posted 6/24/2014 15:21 PM

BH here, no stop sign. Not sure if you want my input.

It took me a rather long time to express my anger to my WW.
After a complete breakdown/panic attack in MC when the counselor was trying to get me to just say "I'm angry at you WW," those words I could literally barely say... I asked in IC why I was having such difficulty expressing my anger. My counselor suggested that you (not sure if she meant editorial 'you' or just me specifically) can not love someone you are so angry at.

This is still something I am coping with. This is still something I am coming to terms with. I do not handle anger well and expressing it has always been very difficult for me. I've personally always bottled it up.

Your BH is likely still coming to terms with your actions not aligning with your professed love for him. He is likely coming to terms with being angry at you. I'm ~8 months out and I still am just trying to make it a day at a time.

FOO issues, childhood issues, etc... everyone has them.
Not every one deals with them the same way.
It may be a coping mechanism for him, for now.

Have you asked him directly what he is feeling lately?

Sal1995 posted 6/24/2014 15:26 PM

I'm a volcano, always have been. If I'm upset at you, you'll know it. But not everyone is built that way. Maybe he's just a very calm, collected person.

Of course, he may be rugsweeping or in deep denial. If that's the case, nothing good will come of it. Are the two of you in counseling?

dana47 posted 6/24/2014 15:31 PM

Yes, we are in C. He is a rug sweeper. I need to ask him how he is feeling on a daily basis.

Darkness Falls posted 6/24/2014 19:23 PM


Take my advice for what it's worth as everyone is different, but remember that...well...everyone is different. My XH was very angry for a very short amount of time. The portion of that anger that was directed *at me* was even less (because we separated almost immediately after D-day, around 2 weeks after).

When XH and I got back together, I remember being shocked at how incredibly different he seemed from other BHs that I read about on SI. I had prepared myself for all sorts of stuff that never ended up happening.

I got some wise advice, including from some BHs, who told me basically to let him be. He is who he is and he is healing/has healed in his own way. It may not be MY way...actually, it certainly isn't. I'm a talker and would love to discuss everything to death. He hates that and would basically rather crawl over broken glass than ever have my affair brought up to him again. But it's his way and he's entitled to it.

I know you're only 6 months out vs. my XH's 4+ years out, but he reported to me that he was this way at 6 months out too. He just wanted it all to go of the reasons for our hasty divorce, that of course he regretted later (hence our current reconciliation). But if your H is anything like mine, your "needing to ask him how he's feeling on a daily basis" might not have the intended effect. My XH goes crazy when I do that to him, even if it's not about the affair. Just something to consider.

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