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Newest Member: LoneRaven (61770)

User Topic: Does the respect ever come back?
♀ 42679
Member # 42679
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I guess I'm reconciling or attempting it. I'm really struggling with respecting him at all. I view him as such a broken person and we've been talking about various things and I'm just not even sure if we have the same values anymore or if we ever did.

I often come back to whether or not this is even worth it, why should I waste anymore of my life on this crap especially after what he's put me through over the last 4 years!

Has anyone else felt like this and more importantly, did you overcome it?

Back story:
He was put on pain meds as an alternative to shoulder surgery as he has a physical job. He realized that he couldn't just quit these on his own and as an alternative to rehab he found this quack who was supposed to help him off of this quickly instead drug this out for over 2 years switching various medications and throwing in free samples of this and that here and there.

The decline into absolute hell came a year in when he was switched from Celexa to Effexor at an extremely high dose. He was slurring all of the time, leg twitching, he was often confused, all while feeling as if he were Superman. During this time he started looking at online dating websites and hooked up with a person of another race that is completely nothing he would ever even talk to let alone have sex with. My children and I were afraid and watched him go into a very dark, strange place. We removed all guns from our home and couldn't even look at him. He by accident lowered his dosage of the Effexor and finally realized he needed rehab and that is how he finally got off of it all.

My problem is that he disengaged and did all this crap while on this medication yet I got to disengage and become very very angry completely sober. I'm really trying here but dealing with all of this collateral damage is extremely difficult and I feel really, really alone!

Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay:9/13/13 online crap
DDay:10/8/13 called crazy B*t@!
2 kids

Posts: 18 | Registered: Mar 2014
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes it can. I do respect my FWH now. It takes a lot of consistent effort on the WS's part.

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 9045 | Registered: Jan 2008
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you will get back is different than what you had, but you can get the feelings back. Love, respect, all of those feelings. Only, only if the WS works extremely hard and is completely open to the process of true self discovery. Without that work, no, you won't get anything back.

I am 2 years out. I love my FWH and I respect the effort that he has put into R and into us. Respect for him, as a man, as my husband, well truthfully, that's slow coming. I keep getting closer by seeing what he's done and is doing to gain my respect and to show respect to me, and by remembering that we are all flawed human beings. But I think that this will be the very last thing to come back, at least for me. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 10160 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 43221
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What scan said100%
I never stopped loving him....but now I know how much in love we truly still hurts....sometimes a lot but I cant change what helps having this site and know there are smart compassionate people here on both sides to really do the deep searching and hard work really understand and feel a strength you never knew you had can be liberating....survival....
my H is trying and succeeding at earning his respect back....
I've loved this man for a long time....what I thought was a deal breaker.....wasn't....he is more than appreciative of that

3 adult children 1D 2S
LTA 2010-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful

" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now." R.R

Posts: 2529 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I respect the work that he has done and that he continues to try.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Just surviving.

Posts: 1849 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
♂ 43590
Member # 43590
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I respect her willingness to try. And I respect her parenting. Well, her parenting NOW.

M in 2005
DS born in 2008
Me BH 52
She WW 42
1st D Day 5-2-2012
2nd D Day 5-4-2013
Separated 6-2012
Divorced 9-11-2012
"Reconciled" 7-1-2013
Finally called it quits 2-7-2015
7 y.o. son
15 y.o. xSD who hates ME now

Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South
Topic Posts: 6

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