Then months later, I receive a message, asking me to answer a question about why I chose to return to my marriage. The message implies she's in a new relationship. My wife saw the message before I did.
I have not responded. We will discuss this with our therapist, but I'd like to hear about any similar situations, and advice on how to react. I feel that this is an overture to further contact and possibly an attempt to get an emotional response out of me. Should we now write a NC letter before this goes any farther? Or should we just ignore her question and try to prevent any future attempts at contact?
Perhaps I'm biased, but it seems terribly selfish and disrespectful for this woman to contact you, and I agree that the she is most likely trying to connect with you emotionally.
I wanted my WH to take the lead and show respect for the marriage, and for my feelings, by clearly communicating with the OW that he wants absolutely no contact.
I'm glad R is going well for you. I can't speak from direct experience, but again, because it is what I wish my WH had done, and because it could have saved me a load of heartache during a painful-enough time, I think you should send a NC request response to the OW, with the permission of your wife, so that this doesn't happen again and you can keep the focus where it belongs: on her, on yourself, and on the marriage.
OW tried baiting him several times by sending bogus emails (very obvious it was her), he did not respond. Crickets.
It took about a year, and she finally stopped.
Personally, I would ignore her, any attempt by you to contact her would be a breach of NC and disrespectful to your wife.
You and your wife need to team up and come up with a plan in case AP tries to contact you through other sources.
Our MC said she is certain the OW will try to contact my husband in the future and she told him he was not to have any interaction with the OW period. That he should not engage with her in any fashion - even if he were to run into her on the street and I'm not there. He is to simply walk away with no response. If she follows him, he should run. She's fat so she couldn't keep up with him anyway. He actually told me that he half expects her to show up on our doorstep sometime and if she did he would tell her "Fuck You" and slam the door. He sent a very brief NC email when the shit first hit the fan. When she persisted he sent a more lengthy email with a little more force in it. We haven't heard from her again YET but nothing would surprise me with her - she's a nutcase.
Anyway, I say no need to follow up. Let his silence say everything to her. That will send a clear message.
At this point, I see 2 main options: 1) silence, and 2) an NC letter from you.
The trouble with silence is that if she used electronic messaging, she might think her message or your response was lost.
Especially if she writes again, you might respond, 'I received your message(s). I am responding only to say explicitly: I will not contact you again, and I ask you not to contact me again.'
Nothing too wordy. No window into your life, or your marriage. Short and to the point.
"Do not ever contact me again, in any way. If you see me, do not approach me. Any further contact will result in a restraining order."
Or something similar.
You write it...and ask your BW if it is acceptable, and then you send it together.
Then..if she does contact you again, go for the restraining order. Or have your attorney send her a strongly worded "stay away" letter.
That usually does the trick.
I urge you to do this right away. Every time OW attempts contact, it will hurt your BW.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I do feel the AP's contact was a very selfish and inappropriate act. And we do have a plan in place in case there is an attempt at in-person contact.
I have already and continue to take measures to ensure I don't receive any electronic messages in the future, but my wife has not. Have any BS received messages from the AP after contact with the WS has been terminated?
The NC message is a clear statement to OW. It lets her know she is not welcome in your life. It also sends a clear message to the BS. It shows action...positive action(and being proactive is so important to a BS)..on the part of the WS in repairing the damage their affair caused. I feel the NC email is more needed by the BS than the message it sends to the OW.
In the end, you can't control what OW does. You can take legal action if necessary.
You can't control the OW, but as long as YOU maintain NC and focus on your wife and marriage, then what the OW does really doesn't matter, IMHO.
I sent NC requests to both of my WH's APs. One responded that she would only honor my WH's NC, not mine, but she didn't attempt to contact him again after I sent my letter. The other never responded to my NC request but continued to contact my WH for a few months after the A ended. However, my husband never sent a NC letter, so mine just looked rather pathetic and didn't carry much weight with these women.
Good luck and keep up the good work! Best wishes for both of you.
Thank you all for your replies. Since originally posting, we have discussed this in MC. Our counselor agrees with our strategy of no response at all for now. We all think that she was most likely just trying to elicit some sort of a response from one of us, so any response would just add fuel to the fire.
If she does try to contact either of us again, we can always send a NC letter at that point.
I am very happy with EyesForward for his effort to work with me on a joint response (or lack thereof). It shows me that he cares about me and our reconciliation.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Take action to change what needs changing. Take action to respond to your situation. Let the discouragement take ca