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just found out what I already knew

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surrender2014 posted 6/24/2014 23:50 PM

Just as the title states....I already knew. my gut instinct told me first back in 2006. I remember as if it were yesterday. Middle of the night my eyes opened and something told me to go check his phone. So when I did there was a text message from some unknown person and all it stated was "s****** whats up" its not my husband name so I had to think fast as to what that could mean. rather then waste to much time I quickly ran to the kitchen and jotted down the number knowing the following day at work I would call from a payphone.Im not a confrontational type of person. And being that this was really the first time I had actually found something "odd" I couldnt bet a dollar anything would come out of it. I just knew his behavior toward me for the past few months turned cold and distant. When I woke the next day, I was sure to recheck his phone prior to him getting up so I could be sure I saw what I saw, and it was there and I intentionally left it on the text message so it would be the first thing he saw. So off I went to work procrastinating about making the phone call. trying to make it make sense in my head, I finally got the courage to call and expected a male to answer. Well a female answered and I couldnt speak. I froze. she finally hung up on me. and i stood there in disbelief trying to make it make sense.Continued to work and a few hours later decided to call again. This time I blurted out "s******?" she giggled and said "uh no" and hung up on me. I still hear it to this day. in shock I called my sister and i told her the story. She got upset and asked for the phone number (she is confrontational)so reluctantly I gave it to her. She called the female and got her to tell her that it was not in fact her but her aunt that was communicating with my husband. SIGH. I have a few hours left at work so time to try to collect my thoughts. I go home and the first thing I ask for was his phone (I had never been so bold) he asks why, i said i need to see something, he hands it to me, i go searching and its GONE. I asked where is the text message he said he deleted it. I told him I talked to his girlfriend, he said oh yeah and what did she say? i said she hung up on me. Nothing ever got resolved in that situation. He told me that it wasnt his phone call text that he had no idea who it was and I had no permissions set on the cell records nor did they appear online at that time, that i knew of. We ended up in marriage counseling where he agreed to be transparent. not delete anything from his cell phone time my antennas got a jolt was in 2012. From the first situation I had ALWAYS carried that in the back of my mind. so suspicion would always raise periodically but in 2012 I noticed he began taking care of himself. shaving almost daily, losing weight, wanting to wear cologne, night at about 9-9:30 he got a phone call which wasnt really unusual for his line of work however the voice on the other end of the call was extremely loud and this person (female) was from work but seems like she actually called to shoot the shit. i seen how uncomfortable he became and if I got close to him he would quickly move to the next room. Conversation only lasted about 5 min or so. he hung up and ran to take a shower. Forgot his phone so there I went.....looked at the last incoming call memorized the number real fast. he got out of the shower went straight for his phone and opened it to what i assume delete the number since he pushed a few buttons. anyhow from that point on, i began the insane spiral on my carousel, searching every which way I could to figure out who this female was. it brought back the memories from 2006 I was a mess. If I had a chance to check his phone I could see how many times they communicated as there was a number beside the particular number. I noticed the number would fluctuate, which I found odd. so I thought here we go again deleting calls. I ended up figuring it out that It was a female from work and she was married to his other co worker. long story short i got fed up with trying to figure it out. So i tld myself as soon as he comes home Im just gonna ask him.. So I did. he walked through the door and I turned in my chair and i said, i just want to know why you delete her calls? he froze. He said because i knew you would be mad if you knew i was talking to her. i said you think he husband would be ok with you guys talking so much? he said husband...shes not married.....i said "you told me she was married to your co-worker. He said huh? wait a min who are you talking about? i said um no who the fuck are you talking about?!?!? he said J******. I said J****** who the hell is J******? wow clearly not the sharpest pencil in the box, but I lost it. he sat calmly. so now he admitted to deleting calls again (sigh)I began with all the questions....who what why when where and it all began to get clear for me. more details about this 2012...he was hanging out at work on his days off. was stuck up a co workers ass named M*****. everything he did had to do with M***** which was in a total different dept then my husband. well this chick "J" was "M" helper or sidekick.... she was 24 years old with no kids. I asked my husband if he told her he had kids, he said yes I said and how did that conversation come about? he said she asked me if I had kids and I said yes i have 3. This killed me. He had raised my daughter since she was 11 months old :( (she was then 15) I immediately responded, dont worry i wont let P******* know you feel that way (POS). He said she only worked there for 3 months and had been fired for 3 weeks when she contacted him out of the blue to see how every one was doing. didnt make sense to me. I mean...she works there for 3 months and gets fired but has created these relationships strong enough to call 3 weeks after being fired to see how everyone is doing? i told him i needed a polygraph because what he is saying doesnt make sense to me. doesnt sit right....he declined said he would not take one. i said ok i have my answer then. i told him im not letting this go like i did before. The following day I printed out divorce papers and told him i was done....he "knew" better then to delete messages and he did it again. and can you believe that night he came to me and things happen and i ended up pg as a result. he asked for counseling, i said i wont forgive him but i went anyways. the new male counselor told him not to delete anything. told him his story made no sense. his reasoning made no sense. the females name was the exact of his niece so if i seen her name in his phone that who i would have thought it was. i mean i had no idea this girl existed. sigh....toward the end of my pg I reapplied for my old job back after being out of the field for over 6 years. My plan was to get my ducks in a row because after that incident I wanted so bad to leave. I gave birth via c-section, 2 weeks later they called me for an interview, I got the job to start the following weeks. 3 weeks after major abdominal surgery I went back to work. hows that for determination? so here we are NOW! thoughts never left me. have the obsessive thoughts every time he has done something wrong i ask myself why are you still here. i have to regroup. but there comes the intuition again. getting hair trimmed, shaving, leaving for work super early, coming home late, 18-30$ lunches on his atm records....really am i that stupid? NOT. so again i started paying attention more watching cell records. and of course 1 particular number text messages and calls....this time he has one of them smart phones. im not to keen on them but I finally saw my chance to get something because he left it with my daughter while he took a shower. and normally he is glued to it. so there i went as fast as i could and I seen that there were only 6 text messages on his phone vs over 20 on the cell record for that new billing cycle. when i saw that i knew that day was the day (6/19). my heart began racing, i began shaking, until i finally just said it. let me see your phone. he handed it to me, i quickly went to the text list and asked politely, where are the rest of the text messages? he said ..."i knew...i deleted them" i said why? he said because i wanted to know how to delete them and then i figured out we can only delete 1 at a time so i said forget it. LIE. this was the only number he had deleted text from and there wernt one day to the next it was messages missing in between. 2 that he forgot to delete said, i thought you were going to tell me when you were leaving the response was im headed back right now" WTF? im really condensing alot of this. he ended up calling her, she said omg Im so sorry you have to go through this E***, im married with children he said i apologize in advance because she may have her sister call you she has done it before (wait what was that?!?!?!) did he foolishly just admit to the first "affair" so an argument ensued and ended quickly i told him im divorcing you he said good and thats why Im here. i need emotional support to be able to follow though. i know it doesnt seem like anything major but in the 16 years we have been together alot more has happen that I could never prove or he had an excuse I had no choice but to accept. I went to get the divorce papers I plan to turn them in on friday but have no idea what to expect after that. currently we are NOT talking. we co habitat sleep in separate rooms since the 2012 indecent and im expecting again due in Sept. I know it seems like we have a sex life but we dont. like i said we sleep in separate rooms and may dtd 1 time a month.

Lark posted 6/25/2014 00:18 AM


This place has a lot of great resources, though nobody wants to wind up here to begin with. Check out the links in the Healing Library.

File the papers. He has a long-term history of this, 8 years? You deserve better. If he wants to try and R, and you want to try and R, then you guys can go from there. But for now, cover your bases for yourself and your kids

surrender2014 posted 6/25/2014 00:26 AM

I want to add more re: our marriage. i apologize for all the run on sentences. In the beginning, first couple years everything was good. tolerable. i found him t be lazy early on but figured in time he will pick that up and become more active around the house. one of the things that both counselors stated is that he lives as though he is single. he does what he wants when he wants. he does things without consulting me like signing for a brand new vehicle for a family member worth 50k, starting a business with a "partner" that lasted all of about 6 months and ended up with 35-40k in embezzled money and forged signatures from his partner. he has always placed me and my feeling or status on the back burner in alot of situations. we havent done anything together in forever. i can ask for things to get done around the house and they just get left until i do them so i dont even bother anymore. i really dont think he likes me. he may love me because im the mother of his kids. but LIKE? no. never proud of me, no compliments, no appreciation, everything i plan and ask him about gets shot down with a neg response. we dont have a partnership. everything has to be on his terms and if i decide to do something i do not have support form him ie: go back to school...i went online so i could be home with the kids....i ask can you please watch them for 30 min while i take this final, its timed. and have to stop mid test because kids are fighting. What really upsets me is that im always wrong about everything but if he finds himself in a bind he will come to me to get it back in order. before all this broke out we have zero family time. he goes to his room and shuts the door. to watch tv and be on his phone. before that it was an online game he constantly played. i mean constantly! when he got "demoted" at work he came home and i said you want to talk about it? he said not really, so i let him be. he went and began playing his game. i figured ahh well he needs to calm down...i go and peep over his shoulder only to find he is telling all his online friends about it. so the divorce is not really on account of these 3 incidences its all infidelity to me. i feel like he goes to work has these relationships that mean more to him then I do. he has more in common with his co workers then me. and i dont want to waste anymore time living like this being suspicious of my spouse. being hurt. being lied to. does that make sense?

surrender2014 posted 6/25/2014 00:31 AM

yes 8 years. and i should mention i have been sober now for 8 years (alcohol). so maybe that could be why i actually see all the things i do? i dont want to R. i asked him to please tell me something that makes sense (truth) so I CAN HEAL FROM IT. but no. he has left me to feel crazy for all these years. im just glad i have stayed employed and will remain employed at least my ducks were that much in a row

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/25/2014 07:13 AM

Don't believe anything he says and half of what he does. Take care of YOU. Try to stay focused on getting the information you need so you can make a path away from someone who would hurt you like this.

surrender2014 posted 6/25/2014 21:28 PM

I think I broke today. I tried to start a letter as if I'm obligated to explain to him why. It's not like he ever listened before so why would i think he would listen now? when i told him i was going to just file for a divorce his response was "good" I have so much pent up anger and frustration. WHY did he do this again? why why why?!?!?!? he threw our family away with each and every text message he deleted. he took a fucking gamble on my damn emotions :( they never mattered to him :( i cried so much today at work. this is day 5 of knowing what my plan is and the closer i get to friday the more nauseated i feel. im so sad :(

Gotmegood posted 6/25/2014 22:25 PM

Yes, surrender, it is really sad. What you need to do is look at your future without an abusive, unloving, selfish, deceitful partner. Obtain a good lawyer, you sound as though you have a bunch of kids to care for. And it's pretty scary too. You know the strain and pain of living with someone who treats you with no respect, having to snoop and spy on his phone constantly to find the truth. So yes, what you are about to do is scary, but continuing living as you are now is worse than scary, it is soul killing. Read all the stories here written by those who have been there done that and survived. Good luck

hardtimesinlife posted 6/25/2014 22:30 PM

You'll make it, surrender2014. It isn't going to be easy but you'll make it. He hasn't been your "rock" for a long time. You are a strong woman. Give yourself a break and be good to you.


Pentup posted 6/25/2014 22:37 PM

Read in the healing library. D

Take care of you and your children. You don't owe him an explanation or anything else.
You owe it to yourself to tell your Dr so you get the tests and care you need. You get a lawyer, a good one.


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