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Newest Member: CrossroadHusband (61499)

User Topic: Update: Shattered...again.
♀ 13986
Member # 13986
Shocked  Posted: 12:26 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My story...the second time around.
2014 -- WH retired from the military in 2010 and after a year of looking for a job and becoming increasingly despondent he took a good paying job in Saudi Arabia and moved there. The plan was to work for about a year, we would save money and he would leave when he got a job back here in the states. D-Day 6/22/14, he has been having an affair since about 9 months after getting over there and she has lived in his company-paid villa.

The last three years have been hell for me (emotionally and physically) and I am more wounded by the fact that after the first affair, I made it very clear that causing that kind of pain from the betrayal is 10 times worse than just telling me he is unhappy and wants a divorce. He agreed to that and we went through counseling and reconciled...we had just got back on track before he retired (or so I thought).

But apparently he doesn't have the energy or desire to exert the effort for me, the kids, or the house. This was plainly said during our open discussion tonight (6/23). I am grieving the sudden end to my marriage as it is over, he is too tired/numb to care and hasn't shed a single tear or really shown remorse. He did apologize but, well, it really doesn't mean much...2 1/2 years of my life could have been different all because he couldn't even write a letter. I now must face and overcome being 100% alone in a year when my son leaves for college. All my dreams and visions of a life with my soul mate are just...gone.

I don't know why he even came home - he doesn't either. "?" I spoke to an attorney today so I am preparing myself legally. WH says I get half and wants a non-contested divorce. This is all I want, I'm not vindictive, I know that my life is about to become drastically poor because any money we have is mostly in retirement funds and I make a meager living as a teacher. I just know that our children have been without him for 3 years and he plans on going back...

Because I love him, his demeanor worries me but he is already making arrangements to go back to Saudi and most likely to her. I will be left with our three broken hearts...I'm dying from the pain and confusion.

BW:43, WH:51 (worked in Saudi Arabia for the last 3 yrs), OW1-7 yrs ago, OW2-now (works in Saudi too) DD:19, DS:17, Married 18, together 20.
For me, it's not about her this time; the coward left the marriage 3 yrs ago & didn't tell me.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Virginia
♀ 41193
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so sorry for what you are going through.

He robbed you of 2 1/2 years - I think he owes you restitution of some sort for that.

Also, so sorry for your children.

But, you will get through this - I'm sure others will come with advice....just know we're thinking of you and sending strength.

Me: 60, WH 67
Married: 23 years
DS 21, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
Divorced Jan. 2016

Posts: 961 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 42970
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so sorry you are going through this.

BW (me): 43 WH (him): 51
3 adult kids (his, mine, and ours)
D-day: 10/4/13. Married 21 years. Numerous A's spanning 19 years and a 11 year PA with my sister. A went underground for a year after D-day. Polygraph on 1/11/17. He passed.

Posts: 6668 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
♀ 43656
Member # 43656
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. Although I am new to this board, please know that you are NOT ALONE. We are here for you. The folks on this board are a godsend.

It is good that you are going to a lawyer yourself, because your WH is just looking out for himself, obviously. You DESERVE much better. It is not about being vindictive, my dear. It's about being equitible. Since you are a teacher, think about it this way. If you assigned your students a group project and it was obvious that one student didn't do his/her share of the work. In fact, that student said "oh, I did this and this." When the student didn't - would you still give that student an A/B because the other student turned in an A/B project? Of course not - it's not equitable. In fact, what would you do? Apply the same principle here.

Know we are here for YOU!

Please take care of yourself. Eat, rest, drink plenty of water and try to be kind to yourself.

Big Hugs!

"This wasn't about you. Or your looks. Or hers. There was no contest and she did not "win." He's just insecure or an asshole or an insecure asshole." Plan C.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Maryland
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((shattered))) Take care of you. Do the 180 completely and know that you deserve much better!

Me FBS around 40
Him FWS early 40s (lovemywife4ever)
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
"Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are free at last" - MLK Jr

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 43334
Member # 43334
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry.


Me: BW(46)
Him: WH (46)
D-Day #1 March 2002- 1 year EA then 4 month PA with co worker
D-Day #2 March 2012 - EA with different co-worker

It's funny how sometimes the people you'd take a bullet for,are the ones behind the trigger.

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2014 | From: New England
♀ 13986
Member # 13986
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! I just woke up to the thoughts of him, his despondancy, my children not having their father around but only telling him from a distance about their lives.

I feel that I owe it to my children and him to fully make an effort to open his eyes to this mistake. Who (WH) says that he just wants to work, make lots of money and go home and sit on the couch so that he can retire and sit on the couch for the rest of his life. Thats a major reason why he feels done with the marriage, it is too much energy and he just can't take it.

One of his reasons for being angry since coming home is that he feels ge came home to me making him work around the house - he did several hours of spreading mulch one day and screwed some boards together that I had painted for a flower bed. I just dont know this man, he used to be the exact opposite and want to go, go, go 24/7 and I couldn't keep up and was exhausted because if the, even with my chronic pain and insomnia, he is exhausted by me and the activities of our kids.

WTH!? I'm churning myself into butter here!? I want to protect my children from the pain of their dad's choice but I know that I can't be married to him if he hates me for who I am....and I'm scared shitless of being totally alone (kids off to college and starting their own life), no family here but the kids feel like this is home and THANK THE LORD I have a friend (she came into my life a year ago when my son and her daughter started dating). I feel lost and like I don't belong .... so conflicted...

BW:43, WH:51 (worked in Saudi Arabia for the last 3 yrs), OW1-7 yrs ago, OW2-now (works in Saudi too) DD:19, DS:17, Married 18, together 20.
For me, it's not about her this time; the coward left the marriage 3 yrs ago & didn't tell me.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Virginia
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry Shattered. Gently, it is not your job to open up his eyes. It is not your job to save his relationship with his children. In fact it is not your job to try to save the marriage anymore either. You have got to accept, hard as it is, tat you don;t control him or his choices and that you cannot protect him or others from the fallout. You can only take care of and control you. You must let go. Remember:


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 8

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