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I just found out I'm getting a divorce...

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Shattered031307 posted 6/25/2014 01:07 AM

My story...the "second" time around on this "ride". The first is on my profile, at the bottom, if interested.

2014 -- WH retired from the military in 2010 and after a year of looking for a job and becoming increasingly despondent he took a good paying job in Saudi Arabia and moved there. The plan was to work for about a year, we would save money and he would leave when he got a job back here in the states. D-Day 6/22/14, he has been having an affair since about 9 months after getting over there and she has lived in his company-paid villa.
The last three years have been hell for me (emotionally and physically) and I am more wounded by the fact that after the first affair, I made it very clear that causing that kind of pain from the betrayal is 10 times worse than just telling me he is unhappy and wants a divorce. He agreed to that and we went through counseling and reconciled...we had just got back on track before he retired (or so I thought).
But apparently he doesn't have the energy or desire to exert the effort for me, the kids, or the house. This was plainly said during our open discussion tonight (6/23). I am grieving the sudden end to my marriage as it is over, he is too tired/numb to care and hasn't shed a single tear or really shown remorse. He did apologize but, well, it really doesn't mean much...2 1/2 years of my life could have been different all because he couldn't even write a letter. I now must face and overcome being 100% alone in a year when my son leaves for college. All my dreams and visions of a life with my soul mate are just...gone.
I don't know why he even came home - he doesn't either. "?" I spoke to an attorney today so I am preparing myself legally. WH says I get half and wants a non-contested divorce. This is all I want, I'm not vindictive, I know that my life is about to become drastically poor because any money we have is mostly in retirement funds and I make a meager living as a teacher. I just know that our children have been without him for 3 years and he plans on going back...
Because I love him, his demeanor worries me but he is already making arrangements to go back to Saudi and most likely to her. I will be left with our three broken hearts...I'm dying from the pain and confusion.

So, 2 years and 10 months later, he comes home and sits on the couch for 14-16 hours a day, watching TV and occasionally making snarky mean comments...I finally put this behavior together with before - something made me get up and check...lots of sexual pics of her, them standing together...yada yada yada...I break him down the next day - admits all. I love him and him coming home was a 3 years dream come true - everything is shattered! My dreams, hopes, "couple years" just gone...why? He is too tired.

I have a chronic pain condition, insomnia (from the pain) chronic fatigue and IBS. But he's too tired and figures it all fell apart about 10 years ago when I began my teaching career. I didn't have enough time and attention for him and I argue with him about everything and got the kids into too many sports and then I could manage it all so he was forced to complete my tasks. Such as picking up/dropping off the kids. ?

Let's hope he will be reasonable in the divorce agreement and he can go away, I can't grieve the end of a marriage and my dreams looking at him each day. I'm unable to live with someone who doesn't like me and hasn't for "years, definitely the last 3 but maybe the last 8". I know he is going to drop out of the kids lives because he will be far away and texting/talking just won't cut it. I worked very hard to send him nearly daily texts and video's and prompted the kids to text, etc. I grieve for my children's loss...but maybe their busy 20's will help blunt the betrayal. I hate him for this. I'm sad that he has become this person and find myself without a directional.

newlysingle posted 6/25/2014 01:36 AM

I'm so sorry. It's such a difficult thing to realize that it's really over. I will say though, that in time, you will be able to truly reflect on your marriage and see it for what it was. I'm thinking you will discover that he never was your soul mate. Time and distance really shows you what you were dealing with all along.

I won't lie that the process is difficult, but everything will be okay. I can honestly say that I'm happy now. I didn't know if I would ever feel that way again. I'm so grateful to have my ex out of my life. I see how transparent he is now and can't believe that I fell for his crap for so long.

I'm sorry he's abandoning the kids too, but since they are adults, it will be up to them to decide whether or not they want a relationship with him. You still have a lot of life left to live and it's time to enjoy it. You've been with someone who you couldn't trust for years now. This is your time to heal and re-discover who you are.

dmari posted 6/25/2014 02:39 AM

(((((Shattered031307))))) I am so so sorry you find yourself here. You do not deserve to have your dreams crushed. Right now, it is so fresh and painful. Please focus on you ~ your health including sleep, hydration and eating when you can. Please disregard all his bullshit "excuses" and blame shifting. What a selfish and cowardly prick.

You know you deserve to be treated better. You know this!! Allow yourself time to grieve the man you thought you married and time to heal from the betrayal, lies, dishonesty, cruelty.

Trust us who have BTDT ~ you will experience a roller coaster of emotions. It will feel like hell. Something you wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet slowly, the pain lifts. You start to see the end of the tunnel. You plan new and vibrant plans for your future. Like a future you would never have envisioned if you stayed married to this loser.

Yes, dealing with your broken heart and your children's broken heart. I don't think their age will blunt the betrayal so I would encourage them to talk to a therapist. Work on you so that you can be there for them.

P.S. I'm glad you spoke to an attorney. Don't listen to what your WH says. Listen to what your attorney says you are entitled to.

nekorb posted 6/25/2014 06:56 AM


I'm so sorry. I will never understand how these waywards can just walk away without a backward glance. Never.

You will be OK. Take care of yourself. Eat. Drink.

It's going to be OK. It will be different, But OK.

Don't forget you are entitled to half of those retirement accounts!

Lawyer up!

Sad in AZ posted 6/25/2014 08:02 AM

My story is similar yet different. Long-term M (together almost 40 years); 20-yr old DS at d-day; on the verge of retirement--I had cashed in my retirement accounts to pay bills and we were going to live off of the X's retirement and disability pension from his injury in the NYPD. We were on the verge of purchasing property in New Mexico. We even bought a countdown clock for his retirement date (2nd career after NYPD). All gone in the blink of a whore.

I'm here to tell you it will be ok. You will not only survive, but you will thrive without him pulling you down. I too thought the X was my soulmate (for a while anyway). He was really an anchor drowning me.

I've moved several times; I've changed jobs several times. It hasn't been an easy road, but it's my road and I'm enjoying the journey. DS lives far away, but he's M now with a baby boy and we are still very close. I'm living in a place that I loved as a child. I travel, get together with old and new friends (many from SI). The X has become an afterthought.

Yes, your life is going to change, but it's all your life now. You determine your future now.

Shattered031307 posted 6/25/2014 09:18 AM

Thank you for the responses! I am absorbing them and rereading them. I am copy/pasting my first thoughts upon waking.

OMG! I just woke up to the thoughts of him, his despondancy, my children not having their father around but only telling him from a distance about their lives.

I feel that I owe it to my children and him to fully make an effort to open his eyes to this mistake. Who (WH) says that he just wants to work, make lots of money and go home and sit on the couch so that he can retire and sit on the couch for the rest of his life. Thats a major reason why he feels done with the marriage, it is too much energy and he just can't take it.

One of his reasons for being angry since coming home is that he feels ge came home to me making him work around the house - he did several hours of spreading mulch one day and screwed some boards together that I had painted for a flower bed. I just dont know this man, he used to be the exact opposite and want to go, go, go 24/7 and I couldn't keep up and was exhausted because of the, even with my chronic pain and insomnia, he is exhausted by me and the activities of our kids.

WTH!? I'm churning myself into butter here!? I want to protect my children from the pain of their dad's choice but I know that I can't be married to him if he hates me for who I am....and I'm scared shitless of being totally alone (kids off to college and starting their own life), no family here but the kids feel like this is home and THANK THE LORD I have a friend (she came into my life a year ago when my son and her daughter started dating). I feel lost and like I don't belong .... so conflicted...

dmari posted 6/25/2014 14:50 PM

my children not having their father around but only telling him from a distance about their lives.
They are young adults and therefore, you will not be telling him about their lives ~ they will. How has he communicated with them while he was gone?

I feel that I owe it to my children and him to fully make an effort to open his eyes to this mistake.
Perhaps this is the bargaining stage of your grief process? WH will not see his A as a mistake. He will not see how this will impact you and the children. He only cares about how HE feels. You cannot convince a WS that what they are doing is wrong. Otherwise we all wouldn't be here. Some WS will show remorse and do the work but thats the minority. Objectively examine his track record.

Feelings of being scared shitless of being alone and lost are completely normal. You won't feel this way forever. Staying with WS or being alone forever are NOT the only two choices you have in life although it FEELS that way right now. Continue to focus on you. It will get better.

Shattered031307 posted 6/25/2014 22:37 PM

{{{SI family}}}

I have been able to have a phone therapy session with a counselor and my BF...I am feeling better and can recognize the stupidity of my thinking...that by helping the WH it would help my kids. I also had little mini-talks with my kids, about more than mini with our college DD and I was not giving them enough credit...they both say that if he gets his job back in Saudi then life would just go back to....."normal".

It hit me like a rock, WH created this normal when he chose to "leave" us but didn't tell anyone else. This is helping me to know that my kids are already accepting his loss and I can stop protecting (pretending) that WH loved and was wholly interested in them.

To answer the question, we mostly used an app called "WhatsApp", we had a family chat, where I updated events nearly daily and forwarded pictures and video to help make him feel involved. He called 2 - 3 times a month and we would mostly talk finances, bitch about work and decisions on kids issues. He said the dust storms and their terrible bandwidth kept him from Skyping, now he admits the lack of calls and skyping was because she/OW was there.

I am saddened by this affair but the betrayal, lack of honesty and compassion to me - his wife, is what chokes me with pain.

Now i just have to figure out the gave me 3 options but quickly dissuaded me from 1 of them.

Option 1:Atty. recommended a special attorney who sits with both parties and helps create an agreement if both parties non contentious and can work it out. A separate atty. Would review it with me before I signed it - for my protection. Then WH would sign it and most like by the end of December or early January we would be legally divorced (our youngest DS turns 18 in mid Dec). --At this point the filed reasons would be changed to un-contended divorce. My WH is not going to like to be summons with papers that say, adultery, abandonment, cruelty. - this will be a big row. But hopefully reminding him in the end after we agree those words will go away.
Im. Checking with my attorney tomorrow to ask about how do I file and soon because if he gets picked up for that job he might need to leave immediately so he would need to be served before leaving the county!

Option 2: We each get our own attorney and together work out the sticking points and if needs be, go before the magistrate for ruling. This most likely will turn contentious....and drawn out... Additionally, he he doesn't get that good paying job in Saudi....then the divorce will take on a whole new role due to lack of money....need things to happen but...I also need time..

{{{Night Night. SI LADIES, AND GENTS}}}

I feel my sleeping pill kicking in,

Shattered031307 posted 6/26/2014 20:53 PM

WH and I are living in the same house, different rooms, not being intimate, separating chores/food to adhere to the state requirements for separation. Our 19 & 17 year olds live here as well (19 will go back to college in August and 17 will be a senior in HS). He is trying to get his job back in Saudi Arabia.

I slept until 3:30 this afternoon. I tried to wake to get myself to the clinic to do my blood tests but I just couldn't. I didn't move for hours upon hours. I was exhausted. I have been working on our finances all evening and trying to get a clear picture and I also want a detailed past of our spending...WH has been easy to work with on this.

I did push his buttons once by talking with him.

WH considers my talking with him "working against him" or being combative and argumentative. I try to point out that talking about a subject includes looking at all side, being a devil's advocate etc.

Why did I talk? - I am mad and stung at the sudden announcement that he is done and for the last 3 years (or more) has been "done" and out of the marriage. It's the accusations he's been making over the last 2 yrs, 10 mos he's been living in Saudi about me not taking care of my use of money (to give WH a bit of credit, he doesn't always or often do it in a mean or nasty way) but I have always wanted to please him and show my worth (which I do see as MY problem and will be working on). I haven't really cooked since he left as he was the cook of the house and no one but him likes to eat leftovers; so when I cooked most of it went into the trash....

So, I choose to allow the kids and I to mostly eat quickly heated meals, pizzas, Subway, occasionally Wendy's, etc. Not the best parenting but it was what I could handle being alone, with my fibromyalgia, working 10 hour days, running to sports games 3-5 days a week. NO EXCUSES, IT IS JUST WHAT I COULD HANDLE ON THAT PART. It also kept us eating before 8 or 9 PM. Weekends my kids were off being busy, etc.

So his only main job connected to "US" was to pay the bills (mostly bill pay). Again, full disclosure, I was glad to not deal with this part and it seemed that he should have something to do for the family. Well, NOW that I'm paying attention, I find that he basically stuck every bill on automatic and unless I called to tell him of major changes (like refinancing the house and saving us $600 a month) I guess he didn't touch damn it and we have a total of $5,800 in credit on the bills!!! I just had to say -

"While you have been creating a list of how I am to blame for you being unhappy with me, I must point out that you matched me nearly point for point and never once pulled out the mirror to look at your failings." He started to get pissy and raise his voice and ask why I felt it was necessary to talk about this as all that is important is that we split everything 50/50. I broke in and added, "I have a right to be mad because I've been upset that you were irritated and disgusted by my financial irresponsibility and you were doing the same thing - AND you had 3 years to work through these feelings? I just found out 4 days ago".

I think I want to fight and scream and blow up because then this divorce will seem like it's supposed to happen...I just can't wrap my head around that all my years of work are done and I'm just supposed to calmly go through a divorce...

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