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Newest Member: Kylique (61150)

User Topic: I don't want to live with hate and pain in my heart
♀ 43818
Member # 43818
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really hurting today. It's been 3 months and I am coming to the realization that H has chosen the OW over me and our life and family as I know it is over. It hurts so much, I just want the pain to go away.
I worry when I read on this forum. There is so much anger, even years later. I don't want to be here in 2 or more years out living with hate and anger in my heart. I don;t want the hurt to be there anymore either. He is the father of our children, I will always love him. He is noe the person I once knew and I have lost much respect for him. He has betryed me horribly, but I want to move past it and find a way to feel happiness again - even if I wind up being alone the rest of my life. As for the OW, when I think about her - she owes me nothing, she made no vow to me, no promise to me. She only knows the story she was told and I'll never know what that stroy is. I don't want to give her my energy - good or bad. Ijust want her picture and their picture together out of my mind.
I just want this suffering to end.

Married 18 years
2 kids
Dday March 2014

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jun 2014
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Limbo hurts))))

I am so sorry you are in so much pain right now. I think infidelity is one of the worst things that one person can do to another. There is a reason why not being an adulterer is one of the commandments.

You won't always be in this much pain. I know this isn't helpful, but time really is the cure. Part of your journey to wholeness, healing, peace and joy is to walk through this painful period.

There are many veterans like me around here. I am six years out from divorce and I am no longer in pain, nor am I bitter or full of hate.

It took a lot of time and effort on my part, but now I can say I am better in every way due to this horrific experience. I am happy and look at what happened with acceptance.

So, you can start today. What is one tiny thing you can do for yourself today that will make you smile and laugh? What is another thing you can do for yourself that shows self-care? Hot bubble bath, pedicure, nap??????

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Posts: 4571 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 38790
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now is the time to live for yourself. Go after whatever dream you have not had the chance to pursue. Make a bucket list and start living it up.

He has changed and found someone else. But, the likely hood of it being a happily ever after is slim as research shows on the internet. They can't possibly be happy together and truly trust each other knowing that cheating is how they got together. You will not see it, but I am sure their relationship will be filled with paranoid suspicion and mistrust. Every time they fight (which they will as the fairytale wears off), maybe he will think and maybe even bring it up -how he should have stayed with you. I am sure she will wonder if he has regrets or feelings for you.

Honestly, these men are not running to true love, they are running from responsibility and it will catch up to him in his new life.

You on the other hand get to move on and find someone who does deserve you. Someone better than him.

Me-BW 42
WH-42 zugzwang
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1830 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
♀ 40264
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


The pain feels intense. Especially the first few months out. I'm almost 1 year out and sometimes my mind goes crazy. For me, I realized the best way to relieve my pain was to be away from my H. I moved out 2 months after Dday. Best decision I made. It also helped me to make decisions without him hovering around me. You won't be alone forever. I promise you that. It feels that way now but you will feel better. As for the story he told OW? Who cares. No man ever started an affair with the story "my wife is an amazing awesome woman that thinks the world of me, our sex life is phenomenal! I love her so much..." affairs start with "my wife doesn't appreciate/understand/satisfy me etc etc etc" and whether it's true or not these idiot OW's eat it up. Don't worry about what he told her. It was probably a lie. AND no..the OW doesn't owe you anything but, what I don't get, as women why do we do this to one another? Their relationship was built out of a lie and I will bet, dollars to donuts, it doesn't last.

As the months carry on you will care less and less. I promise you that.

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 15 years
3 awesome and beautiful children
OC discovered on Dday - born in 2005
D-Day Summer 2013

working towards D...I can't pretend anymore

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 43496
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm about as far out as you are, but I have realized that when things get better, I'll probably stop posting. So while there certainly are people posting years and years out from DDay who are still hurt and angry, most of the ones who have let to and moved on have probably stopped posting. I'm hoping there is a silent majority somewhere who IS feeling better years after the fact. Not guarantees, but I'm an optimist by nature.

Me: 33, BW Him: 40, fWH
Together 11y, married 8
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email
Working on R, and it's working

Posts: 3226 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will find happiness again. You've been dealt a shocking trauma and it takes time to recover. I'm assuming recovery comes quicker for those that accept and start living life again. What you had planned for the future has changed but that doesn't mean it can't be a fulfilling one. I have started a list of things that got put on hold or forgotten about when I was younger. I want to do those things when I'm D and some of them I've already started.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:28 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 20563
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am here years later. Mostly to reach out and return the help I got early on. Partly because this is a caring smart community and I get answers on other things here now. And I love Stupid Picture Friday in Fun and Games. .

I was 4 months out when I decided I did not want to be the bitter hateful person I was seeing in the mirror.

I made a list of nice things I could do for others and when the anger/pain was unbearable, I did something for someone else. It was one of the best things I could have done. It made me focus on others and less on myself.

. I also made a list of nice things to do for myself. When I was sad or beating myself up, (should have seen this coming, should have noticed, how stupid am I? I'm ugly.....) I made myself do something nice for me. To remind myself that as a child of God, I was not worthless or a loser. That was typically harder for me.

You will most likely still have times where you are sad or angry. How you choose to deal with those times is up to you.

Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
♀ 38790
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongerdaybyday is so right

"my wife doesn't appreciate/understand/satisfy me etc etc etc"

One day you will think of that quote and it will make you angry. It is about These men that cheat are all about me, not we. Not the partnership, not the M. There are plenty of people out there that are not like that. The proof is here on SI...the collective of BS that would never go that route. At this stage in your life, you don't need a guy. As a mother, I am sure you had/have enough of that from your children which are learning to become we/us people. Leave the immature me man to his new fling to treat like an overgrown child.

Me-BW 42
WH-42 zugzwang
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 1830 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 8

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