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Pathetic and Confused

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brixtonkitty posted 6/25/2014 10:54 AM

I have been with my husband less than a year. We met fell in love and got married really fast. For the past six weeks in my gut I knew something wasn't right. He wouldn't show me his phone after I saw a text from a girl named Liz supposedly a friend from his hometown. I went out of town to see my sister and found he had set up a separate facebook account to be in a relationship with this girl liz who is 18. I am 31 my husband is 26.I fb message her and tell her her boyfriend is married to me send her pictures of his fb account with me. She then says to me he told her we were getting a divorce that he was looking for a ring for her that they were going to move in together. He had her over in our apartment to spend the night while I was away and had sex with her in our bed. When I confronted him at first he denied when I told him she had messaged me back he finally came clean. The betrayal is the worst part along with the elaborate lies. But I still love him which makes me feel pathetic. I am taking some space right now and he wants to do counseling I do too I think. He's staying at a friends but all I want is him here and it's so messed up. Am I insane for wanting to go into counseling? For wanting to see if we can get past this? I just don't know and I am in so much pain please help me. It hurts so much,

[This message edited by brixtonkitty at 1:45 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/25/2014 11:23 AM

Insane, no. Change is frightening and you have just been traumatized by someone you love. Give yourself some time to figure out what you want. Talk to a lawyer to see what your rights are and get yourself tested for STIs. Take care of yourself. Find a counselor for YOU and keep yourself well.

Delilah169 posted 6/25/2014 11:27 AM


First of all, you are NOT pathetic, and all of us are confused. You have found a safe place here, and will get lots of good advice. I'm fairly new here myself, so don't like to do a lot of advising, but go the the healing library (yellow box upper left) and read the BS FAQ's; lots of good information in there. Also, read about the 180, many many people recommend it, I'm still on the fence about it myself, but it should be read.

You are so newly married, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I am older than my husband too; sometimes they seem so immature to us, don't they? He is behaving selfishly and immaturely right now, but that doesn't mean you can't save things if you both truly want to.

I highly recommend the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". Read it first, highlight like crazy, and then give to him to read.

Keep posting here, others with more experience than me will be along shortly. I'm so sorry for your pain, we've all been here and know exactly how you feel. You will get through this, I promise you!


Angeles85 posted 6/25/2014 11:29 AM

Just want to say I'm sorry that happen to you, this is a great site. You are not pathetic, after DDAY we all are always confused and don't always make the right decisions. Take your time and take care of yourself.


Badhurt posted 6/25/2014 11:44 AM

You are NOT pathetic so stop using that word to describe yourself. The pathetic one is your husband.
You need to step back and keep posting. You will get good advice here for free from people who have been in your spot.
A year into the marriage this is not where you want to be
You will need to decide if you still love him or love what he used to be
I would not go near MC until you sort this out and get some commitment and remorse from him. See am attorney and do not tell him just to know what your rights are where you live
You cannot control his behavior. What you can control is what you will tolerate. And YOU can decide that you do not want to be in a marriage with three people in it.
He will not respond the way you want if he thinks he can get away with anything he does and you will still be there.
It is your job to convince him of that by your actions

brixtonkitty posted 6/25/2014 11:48 AM

Thank you so much for your support it means so much to me right now. Part of me is like is it just a huge horrible mistake of his and we will get through it and build something more amazing? it's not an excuse but he has a fairly traumatic past and has never dealt with it. It was becoming a problem in our marriage about three months in, I tried to help him by getting him books but he really needed/needs to talk to someone to move on from it. My mother is a therapist so I am very pro counseling therapy. He wants to go into counseling both Couple and IC. Then part of me wonders if he's beyond repair. Right now he's at the I don't know part of why he did it. He claims she meant nothing, that he didn't even really like her, he just couldn't stop. That it was a relief he got caught. We saw each briefly yesterday and we had plans to meet on friday. We have been texting should I stop? And give a full 48hrs of no contact? I don't know.

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