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A letter to the semi-remorseful H

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Delilah169 posted 6/25/2014 11:09 AM

Dear semi-remorseful WH, the man who wants to stay married, but doesn't want to do any work to save the marriage:

Last night's fight has done me in. I guess you forget I am suffering severe high blood pressure, and the screaming and tears,yes, rages, are bad for me. So today I spent the morning vomiting. My eyes are swollen and shut as usual. I can't stop shaking. I cry on and off every half hour or so. My hair is still falling out from last night's example to you - I did not "rip my hair out", that IS the condition of my hair due the stress/depression/malnutrition I've been suffering for so long; I can just pull my hair out of my head with no effort. All of this proves to me that YOU WIN. I am NOT going to be able to get you to give me what I need to heal from this, so once again, as so many many times in our marriage, I give up. I cannot physically handle fights like that; they are very harmful to me, and each time it takes me longer and longer to recover from them. As someone pointed out to me on my web site (which you also mock, see below), I've been asking your to help me and tell me the truth for a YEAR now. Why would I think the next time I ask it will change? I cannot make you drink, no matter how often I offer the water. I finally understand that now.

You neither want to, nor feel you should have to, help me heal from this. You're done. You're past it. You're over it. You don't want to relive it. You don't want to talk about it. You don't want to answer my questions. You don't want to tell me the truth. If you were being honest, you KNOW there are many things you still are lying about, you are still covering your ass, rug sweeping a lot of things. But I guess any more questions or explanations I want/need will now forever go unanswered.

You had your fun. You got to live your little fantasy life for two plus years, destroy me physically, financially and emotionally in the process, NOT GIVE A SHIT, and now you get to keep your stuff, your marriage, and me (did I get the order right?), with no repercussions or emotional pain to you.

I will never, ever, EVER be able to describe to you how much you hurt me. I will be forever changed by this, even forgiving and moving on will never quite heal the hole you created in my heart, my soul. Again, you had your fun, got caught, didn't get thrown out, and have now left ME to deal with the devastation YOU left behind. Not you, who did this, but me. You took everything I believed in - love, faith, trust, hope, marriage, the future, us, me and danced all over it with your whore for two years. And now you expect me to find my own way back to it all.

You mock and attack the book that is so important to me. Nothing will ever come closer to describing to you just exactly what you did to me, to my heart, my self esteem, my self respect, my trust, my love, my marriage, my life. Nothing else I've read will ever come close to explaining how you could have fixed it for me. You chose not to take THAT path. I'm not even sure why you bought your own copy - you're not going to read it, highlight it, follow any of it. And you will not be the man that books says you should be - not even a tiny bit, so I'm not sure why you wasted your money. You say you can't change that much; guess you're forgetting how much you changed the two years you were with her; you obviously ARE capable of change.

Our sex life? What a joke now. But no worries. You don't want to make love to me any more, let your whore keep that gift. No matter HOW much money you spent on the affair, there is no price that can be put on that particular gift - it was priceless. But I'll just "service" you now and we can have that kind of sex life. Foreplay, cuddling, kissing, intimacy, making love are probably way overrated anyway. If I need to be held or comforted, I'll get over it, been doing it the last 3+ years anyway. If I need to grieve or cry, I'll do it privately now, you don't have to see my hurt any more.

So relax, I'm done with this mess. That part of our life is the past, time to move on to our future. We WILL be better and stronger from the deeds of the past, and lessons learned. I know I've learned MY lessons well; I know exactly what I NEED TO BE to keep you happy now, and out of someone else's bed. I ask only one thing of you in that respect, and that is if you decide one day I'm not good enough again, you tell me before you go fuck someone else. I'd rather not be made a fool of twice,I think once is enough in anyone's lifetime, don't you?

I hope you enjoy your new, very expensive toy. Of course, now we cannot redo the bedroom, but whatever, I don't care. Big deal, you fucked, sucked,kissed, licked, held her, talked to her in our bed. Allowed her to sleep in my place. Doesn't matter any more, I can't change the past. And I'm sure your new toy was way more important than a new bedroom for me.

You'll like the new me. I would have thought you would have wanted the old one back, the one you fell in love with, the self assured, self confident, strong one. But I'm sure you'll like the new one just fine. She will be everything YOU want. I guess my love for you trumps my feelings for me. Don't know if that will last forever though, so no promises. . .

So to sum up - if I bring up your whore or the affair, cut me off immediately. It may still slip out from time to time as I am far from over this. I'm just done fighting about it. Our sex life will be the way you like and need it, no worries about me. I will no longer ask for counseling, for you to take up for me, or watch me suffer.

God help me, I love you, selfish shit that you are. I feel like I've been trying to save this marriage forever. I just don't have the energy any more. YOU WIN.

"I hope you had the time of your life"

confused615 posted 6/25/2014 11:18 AM

An unremorseful WS will LOVE getting a letter like this. Because they will get to rugsweep and never have to talk about it again...and they still get their marriage. And the little fact that their BS is in agony won't matter..because it is, as always, all about them. Your feelings didn't matter during the affair, and they dont matter now.

Why are you willing to accept this kind of marriage?

You say he is semi remorseful. Everything you have said says he is totally unremorseful.

If a WS isn't willing to do everything they need to do to repair the damage they have caused, why settle for less than 100%?

You don't have to accept this.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:20 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

kiki1 posted 6/25/2014 11:20 AM


I completely understand.

You know what though? Why not be something special for yourself and not just your wh?

You, Delilah, still deserve happiness and fulfillment. Dont shortchange yourself.


Angeles85 posted 6/25/2014 11:23 AM

I'm really sorry for your pain Delilah...we all here get it. While I was reading your post, I couldn't hold the tears...I was feeling that pain for sooo long. I had 3 DDays. I am sorry, I feel your pain. I just want to let you know it does get better.


BaseballMom31 posted 6/25/2014 11:50 AM

Almost everything you said in that letter sums up how I feel, also. I wish my husband would come home so that I can at least try. However, he is content with his life. He has nothing but his whore...who by the way, at 30 something years old is living with HER parents. And yes, my 35 year old husband (who left his family 18 days ago) is also staying there. Pathetic, huh?

Good luck to you!

doggiediva posted 6/25/2014 12:09 PM

My WH may be in the same house with me temporarily, it has to be that way until I see a way out of this mess....

Trying to get my ducks in a better row, which takes time..I may be here for the next year or two, but I hope not...

My WH is TOTALLY unremorseful..
But I'll be damned if my cheating WH gets to have sex from me, hot meals cooked by me, laundry done by me, etc..No, no, no with a capitol N..

Even if I had a shred of love left for my WH and he quit cheating, I would not be able to work past his lack of remorse...NO! I am not gonna be the one who breaks my back and sells my soul short to keep his expectations of me met...

Don't get me wrong, in house separation sucks.. I dream daily of having my own place that I can fix up..I love the idea of peace and quiet, being rid of a bellyaching pig of a WH..

With that said, I have my freedoms..I come and go as I please, no obligations to tell WH where I am at or going, how much or what I am spending my own money on...

WH and I sleep in separate bedrooms, no affection or sex, we avoid each other as much as possible..

No way to live, but I can't live the way you describe in your letter to the semi remorseful WS...My WH would have strangled me or I would have strangled him by now..

Just because you may feel stuck doesn't mean your un remorseful WH gets to have life his way?

Are you being held physically captive against your will?..If you are there is actual physical help( the law) to free you...If it is fear that holds you captive like it does me, do something small for yourself daily, so that someday you can thrive whether you stay in or leave the marriage...

Please DETACH and live some semblance of a separate life of your own, even if you are in the same house with him...

Because the situation you describe in your letter is death by inches and small cuts..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:15 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

Jospehine85 posted 6/25/2014 12:18 PM

Trying to get my ducks in a better row, which takes time..I may be here for the next year or two, but I hope not...

Don't waste the 2 years. You are me 2 years ago. Now I wish I hadn't wasted the 2 years of my life. Leave now. The ducks can line up after you leave.

Delilah169 posted 6/26/2014 09:53 AM

Well ty all for your comments and input.

For various reasons, I do not want to, nor can I, leave the marriage at this point. I wrote this letter with a lot of anger in my heart at the time, and I do truly find myself detaching from him more and more. This letter was so purging for me. He'll never "get it" in a million years. He'll only see the sarcasm, and ignore the underlying pain.

"Confused615" He already is and has all you said. DD was 4/28/13 for me, so I'm at 14 months and still feeling this way. Tho' lately I'm starting to think, so what if I lose everything? (and I will) I cannot continue like this. I am going to die, literally, my health is so dangerous right now, from all this mess.

One week he is kind, thoughtful, talks to me, answers some questions, the next week he is angry, accusatory (you're never going to get over this), and oh so bored with it all. I believe our sex life will never get back on track. I believe my needs will never be first with him. I'm on the roller coaster from hell.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/26/2014 11:12 AM

Truth: a man who can sit by and idly watch you suffer - day after day after day and as a direct result of HIS sleazy behavior - is a monster.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Your reasons for not leaving this marriage today are your own. I really hope those reasons are truly justifiable enough for causing you to stay with him. The price tag you're paying, however, is your emotional, physical, and mental health.

I sure hope that price tag is worth it, Delilah.

heme posted 6/26/2014 11:20 AM

Dont let him off so easily please.. If he is willing to sit there and see you obviously suffering then he doesn't deserve you, your love or to be part of your life.. If he is so un-remorseful as being "over this" he will probably do it again in the future. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, whether it be solo or in a relationship. Don't let him give you less than you deserve.

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