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My Sister Has a Girlfriend

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OnlyOne posted 6/25/2014 11:16 AM

Back in the winter, my 18-year-old sister, who was a senior in high school, told me that she had been intimate with a girl and was very confused about what she was. I told her everything would be ok and that she didn't have to decide what she was anytime soon.

From that time until this, their relationship intensified all while each spent the night with the other at their respective parent's homes.

About a month ago, my dad and her mother found out. My dad asked how long I had known and I told him. He asked why I didn't tell him and I told him that not only was it not my information to tell, i was told in confidence and didn't want to break that confidence.

This past Sunday, my dad accused me of exercising poor judgement and lacking respect by not telling him.

I really don't know what to do. His wife is such a bitchy shit-stirrer that I'm certain the next time I will see my dad will be at his funeral.

What do I do? Does anyone know if there's a support board for these issues?

Thanks.
-oo

h0peless posted 6/25/2014 11:24 AM

My sister has a wife and my Dad was really shitty to her when she came out at age 28. He really hasn't let up either. It's damaged all of our relationships with him and his nutcase of a wife is the driving force behind it. It hasn't gotten to the point of anybody not talking to him yet but it might if he doesn't chill out.

Frankly, you did the right thing. You kept your sister's confidence and allowed her to navigate her feelings in her own time. You were a safe person for her and your Dad is wrong.

Good job.

GabyBaby posted 6/25/2014 11:27 AM

Frankly, you did the right thing. You kept your sister's confidence and allowed her to navigate her feelings in her own time. You were a safe person for her and your Dad is wrong.

Good job.


I agree.
Your sister isn't a 12yr old experimenting with sex. She's legally an adult and spoke to you in confidence. I think you did the right thing.

Hopefully your father will come around once he calms down, but if not, at least your sister has someone in her life who is supportive. You.

OnlyOne posted 6/25/2014 11:28 AM

My dad is still talking to my sister. He just isn't speaking to me.

I told him that there was nothing I could ever say to him to make him feel better about the situation (he has a problem with same sex relationships, I don't).

Further, I told him that he didn't get to blame me for anything as I did exactly what I should have done.

The thing is, I could tell the nature of their relationship just by watching the two interact for less than 30 minutes. How in the hell could he not???

unbreak_my_heart posted 6/25/2014 12:48 PM

Because he did not want to see...
You did the right thing!

Jrazz posted 6/25/2014 13:25 PM

What h0peless said.

told me that she had been intimate with a girl and was very confused about what she was.

It breaks my heart that people have to worry about "what" they are. They're human, with hearts and dreams. I don't understand why we can't just be held to being kind to each other and let everyone live their life.

Know that you are not pushing your dad away. Just because he says something doesn't make it so. Tell him you are sorry he feels that way, and are willing to have compassionate conversation with him only. This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Neither did your sister.

(((OnlyOne)))

tushnurse posted 6/25/2014 14:40 PM

You absolutely did the right thing.

Tell your dad to get the F! over it. Seriously, would he rather your sister hide who she is, become depressed, and make all kinds of crappy choices like drinking, doing drugs, and being promiscuous? All those things happen to kids that hide what they are.

A goal as a parent is to make sure that our kids are happy, and living a full content life. Anything other than that is icing. Kudos to your sister for having the confidence to be open.

My youngest Niece is going through something similar, I couldn't give a whip if she liked boys, girls, or both. I have done nothing but made supportive statements, as have my parents, and it's basically known amongst family that her and her BFF, is her girlfriend. But everyone is so ok with it, nothing is really said. How's that for being well adjusted?
Oh except her dad doesn't really know. Supposedly.....
I guess like yours he chooses not to see what's there.

OnlyOne posted 6/25/2014 14:54 PM

He blames me for not having enough "respect" for him to tell him they were screwing right under his roof.

Um, she can't get pregnant. What's the harm?

I told him that if she had been in serious trouble, ie a gambling problem, drug addiction, or legal trouble I would have come to him immediately. But she likes a girl. Big fucking deal.

He said I could have handled it better. I told him that HE could have handled it better and her mother (his wife - who told my sister that it made her physically ill to think of her dating a girl and not to bring her around ever again), I know could have handled it better.

I realize I am right. I really do. For that, I have no issue. I just wish he would get it.

h0peless posted 6/25/2014 15:02 PM

You can't control his behavior. My brother and I have used pretty strong language with our Dad trying to get him to see how stupid he's being about the whole thing but it hasn't gotten through. Your Dad is responsible for himself and if he wants to treat you and your sister like shit over something as silly as sexual orientation, he will very likely reap the consequences.

You can't control the way your father behaves, just the way you do. Sometimes knowing you're in the right has to be reward enough.

tryingagain74 posted 6/25/2014 16:45 PM

You are a great sister. You did well.

purplejacket4 posted 6/25/2014 18:31 PM

I'm glad your sister has at least one supportive family member. You might want to find some PFLAG material for her parents.

Sad in AZ posted 6/25/2014 21:14 PM

You didn't do anything wrong.

I could tell the nature of their relationship just by watching the two interact for less than 30 minutes. How in the hell could he not???

Denial is not just a river in Egypt...

Lionne posted 6/25/2014 21:33 PM

You are a good sister and a kind person. Hugs to you.

thebighurt posted 6/26/2014 18:04 PM

I'm glad she has you. I hope the rest of the family come around and that your father can see his way to an apology to you.

Your dad sounds like xpos. He once totally disowned and stopped talking to DS for months because he got an earring. And HE was an adult and M at the time. And that was only one of the times he did that to DS.

circe posted 6/27/2014 06:13 AM

He blames me for not having enough "respect" for him to tell him they were screwing right under his roof.

He's just been kicked out of his happy denial, he's dealing with his own feelings about her coming out while he's getting shit from his wife, and he's looking for someone to blame. Since no one in this scenario except his wife (IMO) has done anything wrong, he had to manufacture a way that your perfectly reasonable choices were "wrong". That's all he could come up with and my guess is he knows it sounds lame, so he'll cling to it even harder.

By the way I also think what you did was exactly what you should have, and at this point there's probably no way you can make them see logic. Down the line, maybe. Now - probably not.

OnlyOne posted 6/27/2014 15:32 PM

I don't really even know how to handle him in the future. I almost want to tell him to not bother with contacting me unless it's with an apology.

lynnm1947 posted 6/27/2014 20:06 PM

Give the girls a break from anti-gay sentiments and send them to Toronto right away. The entire city is awash in Pride events at the moment. 110 same-sex couples married in a giant ceremony thrown by a local attraction yesterday. Big parades this weekend. I ate a Pride flag cookie for dessert tonight at a neighbourhood restaurant.

stronger08 posted 6/28/2014 03:16 AM

As a parent I never understood why people think they can "Difficult the gay out of their kids" What purpose does it serve ? It doesn't change the fact that your kid is gay. Be happy that your child is finally comfortable in themselves and their choice of romantic partner. I'm hitting my mid 50's, lean slightly to the right on politics, believe in God and am a Christian. I'm an old school guy, ruff around the edges, curse a lot and speak my mind. Even I know that people are born certain ways and have preferences that do not parallel mine. But who the hell cares as long as its consenting adults doing what comes naturally to them. I'd be happy if my kids could find a functional relationship in the first place. My heterosexual ass does not have such a great track record in the relationship department. Who am I to be dispensing lifestyle advice to anyone ? Be happy the ones you love are fortunate enough to find happiness. The quicker this world accepts one another for who we are, the better this world will be.

lynnm1947 posted 6/28/2014 07:37 AM

^^^^^
THIS!

truthsetmefree posted 6/28/2014 09:35 AM

He blames me for not having enough "respect" for him to tell him they were screwing right under his roof.

In this regard I think your dad has a valid right to be upset - though I do think it's perhaps misdirected at you. I'm guessing that had the relationship been heterosexual then sleep-overs would not have been allowed? If that is the case then your sister put BOTH of you in a bad spot. And while she is young and that type of insensitivity can be expected, she's also old enough to show accountability. IMHO, *this* is the first thing that needs to be addressed. She can't expect respect when she didn't show respect. Hopefully from that point then the other issues will become more manageable in time.

If your dad would have allowed the boyfriend to sleep over then my point is moot.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 9:38 AM, June 28th (Saturday)]

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