There can be a lot of other factors that play into the percentage game. For example I kept my porn addition well hidden from my BS for our entire relationship. She was completely unaware.
Blame can't be divided equally when one of the spouses is not aware of what the other was/is doing. I can see now how damaging my porn addiction was and it affected every aspect of our relationship. I think trying to break things into percentages only muddies the water.
I am now focusing on the years in our marriage before the A began. I find that I am incredibly angry and resentful about that time.
My BW was very angry too and we had to work through a lot of difficult stuff.
My issue is that just because you have decided you are going to try to be a nice person now doesn't wipe away 10+ years of emotional abuse in your marriage.
I agree with this statement. I was very hard on my BW prior to my A with neglect and being emotionally unavailable as well as being very passive aggressive and conflict avoidant. My BW wanted to talk about our issues but I refused to discuss anything and fluffed everything off. I've had to take responsibility for a lot more than just my A. Anything less is a pissing match.
Hope you can work things out.
It sounds like you are saying your WH says the A was the only problem. I have to think he had the same problems pre-A. I cannot see how most WS' can separate the two. Maybe it's possible, but for me, the issues that were my part of our pre-A M troubles are the same things that allowed me to have an A.
Again, part of the pre-A M problems might have been you. I don't think there is a default 50-50 split, but I also don't think that "keeping score" matters at all.
It sounds like he was emotionally abusive pre-A. I have to imagine that same switch was flipped when he moved onto the A.
[This message edited by neecee at 8:14 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by neecee at 8:15 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]
I can relate, as I'm sure you know by now! About a month ago, I got 'the talk' from H. He told me that he wants to move forward, that he needs space to be this 'new' guy he is now. He quickly realized that this talk was damaging, that it was actually part of his old self talking. It took me weeks to feel comfortable going to him with my pain again.
His sponsor tells him over and over again that he has to do a living amends for the REST OF HIS LIFE. That is the consequence of what he has done. And he is getting it, slowly but surely.
That is the SA's job.
Our job is to learn to learn to stand up for ourselves, to love ourselves and to explore forgiveness. We do have to go deep inside and figure out if we can even forgive to move forward (whether we stay or not).
And, if our spouses can't live up to his side of recovery, we have to face that reality and see if we can really live with that.
Part of my struggle has been to stand up for myself after trying to placate my husband for so long.
I'm NOT sorry...I am not taking 50% of the blame for the shit that happened in our marriage before the A. He was addicted to porn (unbeknownst to me) way before I ever met the guy. How is that my fault? How would I ever know that it had a hand in him ignoring me and abandoning me in every context of that word in our marriage? How am I supposed to give him - or anyone - the gift of trust again?
I remember our first MC told us that trust would get back to 95%. I thought he had lost his mind! I don't think I will ever fully trust anyone ever again. Right now I'm working on trusting myself and God to let me know if I need to leave.
More and more of that dynamic is becoming exposed over time through MAJOR examination and MC and it has actually made me so sad to see that my husband's brokeness has led him to misinterpret the meaning behind every conflict that we have ever had. His belief that every time I expressed anger I was calling him a failure ruled every disagreement we had. How could we ever resolve a thing if he viewed any expression of anger as disapproval? All of this developed WAY before I came into the picture 20 years ago. This came from growing up in a sick household where he had to figure out how to survive intact.
Being able to delve deep into the dynamics and feelings behind his actions within our marriage prior to the affair is the ONLY way that I am healing from the all of the damage and hurt that has been inflicted. It is a long and painful process that needs to be don with a wayward who is extremely motivated to become a happier and more healthily functioning individual both for himself and for his spouse and family. VERY painful stuff, but it CAN be done; it really can. I am sorry for your pain.
Here I am...15 or so months out from DD...the A discussion has pretty much run its course. Yes, there are some things I still wonder about, but they aren't things I feel like WH is hiding and I don't think much of it is terribly relevant any longer. I feel like the horse is dead and there is no need to keep beating it. Like I said, my main struggle lately has been the need to address the state of our marriage before the A took place. I'm not satisfied with explaining it away as "we both contributed to it." We both came into the marriage with certain deficits and coping mechanisms. Mine were more passively damaging, his were more aggressive and overtly damaging. I need him to own this and see how damaging his behaviors were to me as a wife, mother and person.
We had an unspoken deal - I would give him freedom to be and do, to flirt, to lie, to over-spend money, etc. I would put up with his emotional abuse, his mixed messages, his push-pull, his long work hours, his absentee parenting, his mother... in return, he would never cheat on me. That was my "deal". So when he did cheat, it felt like a whole big pile of 'WHAT THE F**K, how could you do that to me after EVERYTHING I gave up of myself to be the "perfect wife"'. In retrospect, of course, it was a very unhealthy marriage. I didn't see it then, but I do now.
There is a lot to heal from, but there is also so much to learn and grow from.