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It happened before, why not again?

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Christy516 posted 6/25/2014 15:37 PM

I feel like i am in an odd place. I couldn't ask for more from my WH so far as how he is treating me, answering questions, transparency, etc. And for the most part i feel like the "storm" of pain, anger, and confusion inside me has abated quite a bit. It is still there but distant, less sharp. Our daily lives are mostly fun, spent together. I am still doing the "this time last year thing" to a certain degree. But it is different. Less acutely painful but more "if he did it then he can do it again"

I guess that is what my post is about. The voice inside my head that cautions me. And actually says things like "you thought things were getting better before too". Ignoring that warning, the one my logical side is trying to give me seems foolish. I did believe him before. I did believe we had problems but were working through them. I did believe after DDay 1,2 and 3 that he had woken up. That he was dedicated to our marriage. And now after #4 (in January) i believe him again? Doesn't that make me pretty foolish?

He says to look at the differences in him now and believe in those. I do see them. Bit he was very good at compartalmentalization. He acted as if he loved me, was happy to be with me, went to MC with me while actively involved in A. I believed him then. Probably the biggest difference between now and when the A went underground is his willingness to talk about it. He does answer all of my questions fully, is remorseful and willing to look at the why. I try to focus on that.

I guess my biggest fear is he will do it again. And i won't see it. And i will feel like i allowed it to happen because my God who continues in a marriage with so many lies and deception in it's past and doesn't think it will happen again? I feel like I'm expecting the mousenot eat the cheese even tthough he ate it every other time.

Any insight or advice is appreciated.

Ostrich80 posted 6/25/2014 16:20 PM

I saw on SI before where the question is not will he again, because we don't really know, but if it happens again, will you be ok, will it not break you. I guess maybe be confident and secure enough in you to know you will survive. I beleivef my ws too but he never did open up about the A so maybe that's a good thing for your future together, he's talking about it.

LostAngry posted 6/25/2014 16:35 PM

Unfortunately, nobody can accurately answer your question. I am not a Dr. Phil fan, but one of his few good quotes is "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". Your WH has given you four D-Days. He went to MC while actively in an affair and lying to you.

Could he change his ways? Yes, of course. It could also be that he is learning as he goes. He learned how to lie and take an affair underground while in MC. He learned how to compartmentalize after D-Day to keep you off his trail. It could be he has now learned how to talk openly and fully answer questions while taking it further underground.

Some WH (and WW) are masters at the art of an affair, and they get better as they go and learn from their mistakes. Others eventually find remorse and want to change. I, personally, believe truly genuine remorseful waywards are few and far between. I believe that because most people (wayward or not) do not want to dig into their baggage and become better healthy people, it is simply too painful for most people to handle.

ShellyShell posted 6/25/2014 18:09 PM

I want to give you a hug because I am in a very similar place. There were 3 Ddays and 1 episode of TT that felt like a 4th Dday. During that I found out he continued the affair after DDay 2 while we were in MC. So basically I have problems believing anything he says, though this last episode has resulted in A LOT of dramatic changes backed up in real actions and a remarkable change in attitude. His IC even invited me to a session to discuss WS's progress and help me put it all in perspective. My IC is a Christian counselor and is gently encouraging patience since WS has turned to God. Still to me I can't see how I can trust him ever again. I don't consider us together.

I will tell you what my IC and others have told me though I can't account for whether it works because I am still trying it! LOL.

1. I was told to stop investing emotionally in him, and start nursing more love for myself. And that means I should concentrate on growing my own sense of myself as an awesome person who can survive whatever comes. I am supposed to work on building myself a world where I have support spiritually, emotionally, etc... One that will keep functioning and enrich my life whether he is there or not. In the meantime, I can enjoy whatever nice moments we have together but I should take them for what they are... just a moment, not signs of anything. Consider them my reward and just live in the moment and enjoy myself.

2. I was also told to take the position that I'm the prize that he has to win back. I am to wait the 6 months while he tries to change, and take the position that it is his job to prove to me he's worth any more of my time after that. While this is happening, I should find out what my options are concerning divorce. My IC told me I am SUPPOSED to be skeptical, because now my eyes are open, now I'm demanding more and if he wants to rebuild any trust it will take a long, long time. It is up to me if I keep granting him more time to chip away at it.

3. I was also told that no matter what, the truth comes out because no one is that good. I need to verify what he tells me and make sure I have his passwords and whatnot, but if he's lying I will eventually find out, and if I have successfully built up my own self love and own support network and if I know my options then I'll know what to do.

I don't know if any of this helps but I replay this script in my head whenever I feel the way you are describing. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. He really is being great now and we are back to having fun together sometimes, but sometimes I look at him and just assume he's lying to me and don't see how I'll ever not feel that way. I do pray and ask for clarity and peace, so if you are religious maybe you can try that too.

Good luck to both of us!!!!

[This message edited by ShellyShell at 8:20 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

BrokenButTrying posted 6/25/2014 18:17 PM

You can't know for sure whether he'll do it again or not. 100% trust is gone, he broke it and you will never get it back. You can trust again, but not completely. There is always a possibility.

What you can trust 100% is yourself. You can know with absolute certainty that if it does happen again you will pick yourself up and walk yourself right out the door. You can know, without a shadow of a doubt that you will be fine without him.

That's the point you need to get to, that's your healing.

doggiediva posted 6/25/2014 18:44 PM

Trust in yourself..What kind of life would you have built / would live if WH were out of the picture.. Go ahead and build this life....This is getting your ducks in a row/having some exit plan...
Knowing this can afford you some peace of mind when you decide that you don't need WH for AnyThing....

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:44 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

lostcovenants posted 6/25/2014 21:08 PM

This makes me so sad. The person that we should be able to rely on, to depend on to protect and cherish us, to TRUST is, in fact, the one who murders our soul. A stranger does not do this to us, our beloved does. I feel like I am part of a Nazi experiment - my beloved is my torturer.

Christy516 posted 6/26/2014 15:28 PM

Thank you, thank you everyine that posted. I took a dayto really think about what each of you said andas a whole it makes so much sense. This isn't about him and whether he will or won't stay faithful. It's about me. My life. How i choose. If he chooses to throw away, again, the huge gift of R i am giving him then that is on him. It doesn't diminish me, the value of what I've given. It's all on him if he squanders it.
I was feeling like i would be destroyed if he cheats again. That it would mean that i wasn't good enough, what i am giving wasn't good enough. But that's not it at all. If he throws it away again, it's my WH who is not good enough for me.
I feel like things have clicked into place in my head and i will be all right now. At least for now, but i will keep reminding mysef of your words and remember. As much as it may hurt if he isn't sincere, i am still enough for me.

Thank you again. I have a much lighter heart today.

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