I want to give you a hug because I am in a very similar place. There were 3 Ddays and 1 episode of TT that felt like a 4th Dday. During that I found out he continued the affair after DDay 2 while we were in MC. So basically I have problems believing anything he says, though this last episode has resulted in A LOT of dramatic changes backed up in real actions and a remarkable change in attitude. His IC even invited me to a session to discuss WS's progress and help me put it all in perspective. My IC is a Christian counselor and is gently encouraging patience since WS has turned to God. Still to me I can't see how I can trust him ever again. I don't consider us together.
I will tell you what my IC and others have told me though I can't account for whether it works because I am still trying it! LOL.
1. I was told to stop investing emotionally in him, and start nursing more love for myself. And that means I should concentrate on growing my own sense of myself as an awesome person who can survive whatever comes. I am supposed to work on building myself a world where I have support spiritually, emotionally, etc... One that will keep functioning and enrich my life whether he is there or not. In the meantime, I can enjoy whatever nice moments we have together but I should take them for what they are... just a moment, not signs of anything. Consider them my reward and just live in the moment and enjoy myself.
2. I was also told to take the position that I'm the prize that he has to win back. I am to wait the 6 months while he tries to change, and take the position that it is his job to prove to me he's worth any more of my time after that. While this is happening, I should find out what my options are concerning divorce. My IC told me I am SUPPOSED to be skeptical, because now my eyes are open, now I'm demanding more and if he wants to rebuild any trust it will take a long, long time. It is up to me if I keep granting him more time to chip away at it.
3. I was also told that no matter what, the truth comes out because no one is that good. I need to verify what he tells me and make sure I have his passwords and whatnot, but if he's lying I will eventually find out, and if I have successfully built up my own self love and own support network and if I know my options then I'll know what to do.
I don't know if any of this helps but I replay this script in my head whenever I feel the way you are describing. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. He really is being great now and we are back to having fun together sometimes, but sometimes I look at him and just assume he's lying to me and don't see how I'll ever not feel that way. I do pray and ask for clarity and peace, so if you are religious maybe you can try that too.
Good luck to both of us!!!!
[This message edited by ShellyShell at 8:20 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]