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Totally Heartbroken and Blindsided

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Parvati posted 6/25/2014 16:41 PM

I am so happy I have a place to honestly share my thoughts and feelings.

Two days ago, I opened up my husband's computer (we have been together 13 years, married for 7) to turn on some music for our baby daughter, and I don't know what made me do it- I'm not one to look through texts or emails- I looked in his chats. He had recently been having a very dirty chat session with someone I thought was his friend, and trying to get his friend to set up a time to meet AGAIN to have sex. The floor literally dropped out from under me, I NEVER could have guessed he would do this.

A little background: Although to the average viewer, we look like a regular straight couple with a beautiful baby daughter, our relationship had a less than traditional trajectory. My husband and I started dating when he was still female-identified, and I also identified as a lesbian. We dated for about a year before he had the courage realize that he was transgendered, and identified as male.

It took several years, but he has completely and successfully transitioned.

This is all background to state that he was cheating on me with another FTM (female to male) transman. I am so shocked, confused and lost. He is my best friend, an amazing father, and just someone I truly adore.

He sobbed and sobbed as he confessed to me. He said that is really is only sex, and that in some strange way it is some sort of validation and trying to find his body ok to have sex with another transman. (He does identify as queer- as do I) But he swears up and down that he only sees his life moving forward with me, I am the love of his life, that this was some weird compulsion that will never happen again. He has agreed to never have contact with his "friend."

Nevertheless, I am DEVASTATED. I am shocked at the depth of my distress. I can't eat, I've been crying on and off for the past two days. I am stuck at work, and trying to hide in the bathroom when crying jags take me over. My heart physically hurts.

Can anyone tell me how long this will last? How can I move past this? I feel so so lost. Any help is appreciated.

Skan posted 6/25/2014 17:42 PM

Welcome to a place that no one really wants to be. Having said that, I'm so very glad that you found us for support.

You know, it matters not in the least, as to the orientation of your spouse, his physical sexual characteristics, or the state of transitioning. Not one bit. Nor your orientation, etc.

What matters is, that you took vows to each other, sacred vows, that you would forsake all others and cleave only to each other. And he has shattered those vows. He has betrayed you. That is the important fact to carry forward. And "it's only sex?" Oh pleeze! That's the un-original battle-cry of EVERY wayward spouse.

What has essentially happed to you, is that your WH has driven a bus over you and left you bleeding on the side of the road. Right now, as much as it hurts, you're still in shock. Unfortunately, I have to assure you that it's going to hurt much worse, when the shock starts to wear off. I won't lie to you this is a long road that you're going to travel.

Please start off by looking in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and clicking on The Healing Library. Start reading. Knowledge is power and you will need the knowledge that is in there. Take a look at the first 3 pages of this forum and read any post that has a red "target" next to it. Also good knowledge for you to have.

I assume that your WH has a councilor. This is definitely a time for him to continue receiving IC (individual counseling) to get to the bottom of his broken value system that says that it's OK to screw another person other than your wife, but ONLY if the IC if marriage friendly. I say this as a person with several friends who are in the process of transitioning and who have completed the physical process. I don't care what new exterior you have, if you're married, you are committed to a faithful relationship with another person. Your WH has shattered his vows to you, and that doesn't make him an explorer. It makes him a liar, a cheat, and an adulterer.

You need to take care of yourself and put yourself first. If you don't take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of your child. It's the airplane oxygen mask drill put it over yourself and then over your dependents. Rest when you can, eat what you can, if you can't eat, get whole food nutrition drinks (Ensure is one) and sip them. Stay hydrated but stay away from booze. And keep coming back here for support. We've all got your back.

I believe that you need to have x-amount of posts before you can use the PM (private message) function. Once you get there, if you want, PM me. I have a lot of experience/friends in the LGBT community and I'm more than willing to talk to you off-line as it were. (((Hugs)))

1Faith posted 6/25/2014 17:43 PM

Just wanted to let you know you've been heard

So sorry you are here with us. But it's the best place to be under the circumstances.

On average it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. It robs you of your soul, sanity and sense of self.

Please head to the healing library and read, read, read.

It is not " only sex " - that does not minimize the betrayal, lies and deception. That's a bullshit response.

Be strong for you. Fight for honesty and truth

Parvati posted 6/25/2014 18:21 PM

Thank you for your kind words! You have no idea (or maybe you do) how much it means.

It is really crazy--I always thought of us as such a "good" couple- we've been through so much together, and we have a really deep and warm relationship. It is still hard for me to even process that this is real.

I am going to see a therapist tomorrow night- that feels like the one solid thing I can hang on to at this point. That and knowing I HAVE to take care of myself so I can care for my daughter.

This pain is truly unreal-all of you who come here to give advice and succor and let us know that we can get through it are saints.

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