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Why would he do this again?

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AmSoDone posted 6/25/2014 17:35 PM

My sad, pathetic story
We have been doing the on-off dance for 32 years. I say we, he’s the one who always leaves, I’m the one who is left behind to pick up the pieces. I finally had enough about 7 yrs. ago and after a lot of soul searching moved 120 miles away to start a new life. Unfortunately, I couldn’t sever ties completely because of our DD and when things got difficult for me (I was living with my sister, a whole other story) and I was vulnerable, I listened to his talk of R.
While I am writing this, I realise that I never really got my act together, even when he wasn’t around and I know that I suffer from extremely low self-esteem. When I think about it all it isn’t any wonder really but still……..
Our DD got married in Jul 10 and he was at the wedding. At that point we hadn’t really been in contact much at all, maybe just the odd text about our DD. I really thought that it had died a natural death and although it hurt, I accepted it because what else could I do? What was odd though was his behaviour at the wedding. He brought his current OW but he was all over me. Everyone commented on it. He was literally following me around to the point I felt uncomfortable for the OW. I ignored him, I am not into that kind of scene making stuff, he was out of order. Anyway, I had NC with him until Nov 10 when he called me out of the blue to tell me that he was on his own (first time ever) had his own place and was trying to sort himself out. After several weeks of chatting I agreed to go to see him and his family – a friendly visit. We started on a kind of friends with benefits relationship, me travelling to see him every few weeks. However , after about 6 months he wanted us to get back together. I was so unsure because although he seemed so different, I didn’t want to put my heart on the line again. Early on in our relationship when our DD was very young, I got very depressed with all his goings on and did not want to risk that again. However, I succumbed (after a lot of pressure) and in Oct 11 he moved in with me. He really did dangle the happy ever after carrot in front of me. I actually pleaded with him at one point to walk away if there was any part of him that was not sure.
Biggest mistake ever! From the moment he moved in he was miserable. I put it down to the fact that he was struggling to find a job and my place was really only a temporary solution until he found work and we could afford a bigger place.
I knew we weren’t happy but he had finally found a permanent job and things could only get better when he came home one night in Feb this year and said he heard of a room going and he was going to take it because ‘we weren’t working’. I think I was dumbstruck and I just let him go and carried on zombie fashion. Scared to think or feel anything because I couldn’t afford for my world, work to cave in. I was also incredibly angry, still am. It helped (I think) that work was particularly busy and didn’t calm down until mid-April. Also, he was still in regular contact – constant phone calls and texts, he misses me, I still have his love, he needs to sort himself out etc.
Then no more I love you’s or miss you’s just ‘call me please’ which I did and didn’t always respond to because he never had anything to say really.
I wasn’t responding much because I was a) angry b) hurt and c) in shock I think. He was spinning me the yarn that he is not happy with himself or with anyone, was seeking help from counselling etc. I think I believed that he would actually come and talk to me properly at some point.
Then he told me (on 23rd May) he was going to his Mothers for her birthday. I didn’t ring to wish her because she hasn’t been particularly supportive. She rang me 3 times and the 1st two times didn’t even mention him! Even on the 3rd time she was a bit shady as if she had to be careful what she said. She also said that I shouldn’t feel humiliated. At that time I couldn’t understand it (I do now!)and I said so. I said I was angry more than anything.
Then I heard nothing from him. I actually wondered if he had lost his phone – which made me look at his phone bills. Well, what a shocker. DD would say ‘really?’ but I guess I am such a mug, it always, always floors me when I find out he’s been lying so convincingly. The evidence was there for all who wanted to see. He’s been phoning and texting someone since 14th Jan – constantly, I mean super excessively (Jan 109, Feb 461, Mar 229, Apr 279, May 139). I called the number, a woman answered. There is also evidence that he has now moved in with her as he never calls her at night or the weekend and there is a landline that he has started calling a lot.
I’m afraid I got really hurt and angry. After all, WTF!!
I ended up texting him a really pathetic message on the 12th June about how he must really hate me to do this and when was he going to tell me the truth etc. etc. He didn’t respond.
So I called him the next day (13th) After putting me off he finally called me back and completely denied it. Of course. Said he’s not happy with anyone and has other things to worry about. He was thinking about going back to London. I said he should. I called him a liar about seeing someone else but he brushed over it. He also said he has to move again soon. I was outside work so I had to let it go. He said he would call later. He didn’t. He called on 14th and put on this patronising ‘now what’s all this about’ voice. He denied it again. Said that his friends wife sometimes answers the phone. (It’s funny but I had noticed this number just before he left – I didn’t believe he’d ‘broken’ his phone when he said he had and I checked. This must have been end Jan maybe. I called him out on it and he said it was his friends number. Even showed me his phone. So I had to give him the benefit. ) He also said he’d moved to middle of no-where. What already?? It’s funny but the landline he keeps calling is a local number – coincidence? I think not. I tried to tell him how I felt, that he pushed me out etc . He didn’t say too much but he did say that he was weak. What was that, an admission of something? All he said was sorry, it’s for the best. Really patronising but nothing said. I had to let it go. Had a terrible few days after that felt really low and betrayed by him.
He called on the 18th to ‘see if I was alright’. I really couldn’t speak to him so I said I was fine. He said he would call later. He didn’t and hasn’t up till now – 23rd June.
What I don’t get is why I am so hurt and upset. He really was quite manipulative and controlling while he was here, depressed and miserable most of the time. (In hindsight, he behaved like I’d trapped him somehow, tricked him into doing something he didn’t want to do). I couldn’t help him and stopped trying after a while, especially when he made me out to be some kind of nympho for wanting sex. That hurt and I started to shut down after that. I did tell him that our relationship wouldn’t last if we couldn’t do something about it but he just kept blaming me, that I was not doing enough to try to get him interested which in turn made me feel worse. He accused me of never wanting to do anything (he never asked or had any suggestions to do anything ). That I actually liked sitting in, night after night, watching TV, that we were not getting anywhere. I blew up at him and said that it was not like that, it was lack of money that caused our situation, did he really think I was happy with things the way they were, he threw a previous (old) incident at me and we just went round in circles. Now I think about it, this was the only heated discussion we had about any of this and this was about a week or two before he left. How convenient.)
I think it’s because I thought he was going to get some help, be by himself, sort himself out when he left. I wasn’t happy that he chose to leave me to do it, however, and that’s why I blocked him out for the first few months. I think I thought he would come when I had calmed down and try to talk to me. I don’t even think it was the ‘I’m want to come back’ speech I wanted, just some closure really and I was prepared to wait. After all the messages and the tone of them, I wanted to believe that he was being truthful so I wasn’t prepared for what I found.
However, now I know that it is all smoke and mirrors. She’s been there in the background all along. The calls and texts to me were just pure guilt talking for more than one reason.
I realise now, after reading through all the posts on here that he is typically passive-aggressive. It was such a shocker. I wish I had seen this years ago. It was kind of sad to think that this man has no way of breaking the destructive relationship patterns that he has lived his life by. I felt sorry and immediately wanted to help – what does that make me? Some kind of co-dependant?
I am currently in this horrible see-saw mindset – swinging between wanting to wreak some kind of horrible revenge on him for every single last thing he has ever put me through, trying desperately to maintain the NC that he started (he’s clearly in the honeymoon phase with the OW) and feeling sorry for the pathetic soul that he really is. Why can’t I let this go? It’s clear for the world and his wife to see that he is beyond help. He knows he needs it but chose the familiar path instead. Over me, his DD – then I get angry all over again. I know there is no chance of R. He has completely cut me off although my DD would say that has happened before and it has. I think, however, I would lose her if I even considered it again. I have no-one to talk to about this as, to be honest, everyone has lost sympathy with me. I have no friends anyway, mostly because I was ashamed of our history. Same goes for dating another man – never had the nerve to date as what man is going to understand this?
I am lost and am trying to think positive but it is so hard. Sorry this is so long but I had a lot to get out 

lilacs40 posted 6/25/2014 18:37 PM

That sounds like quite a roller coaster you've been on.

I really don't have any advice to give you but wanted to know you've been heard.

It does sounds like you'd be better off without him and it also sounds like you realize this.

You will be okay (you've shown that) and he is not worthy of your time and head space.


hardtimesinlife posted 6/25/2014 22:10 PM

Welcome to SI, sweetie.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Read the healing library in the upper left corner. Take care of yourself and make sure you eat and take fluids.

You are going to get a lot of good advice here that will help you walk through this crap.

The best thing you can do right now is to have no contact with your wh. Every time you have contact it will hurt. It's hard to recover when you keep ripping open the scab. He is lying and denying what you already know. He is gaslighting you and trying to make you feel crazy. You know you aren't crazy.

I know it hurts. We feel replaced and discarded. Try to do things for yourself that make you feel special. Pamper yourself.

You will get through this.

AmSoDone posted 6/26/2014 13:07 PM

Thank you lilac & hard times. I really appreciate your comments.

I know, deep down that I am better off without him. I think I needed to get it all out. Just feel so angry about it all. Probably, mostly at myself. I will maintain the NC regardless. We still have a couple of financial ties but I made arrangements yesterday so that I don't have to see him and felt good about that. I just have to learn to focus on the positive and I will get there.

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