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Found Old Crap Online, Triggering Badly

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TheGivingTree posted 6/25/2014 17:42 PM

Thank you to all who read this. I was a lurker for about a year before joining, and this is my first real post.

My WH is a diagnosed SA. We have been together for 20 years, married for 18. I did not find out about his SA until January, 2013. I found out by going to Gmail on the computer at the business we both own, and found an email exchange from a woman he was having an EA with when the email application opened. I confronted, he lied, then we spent the next year with him finally coming clean about PA with a different woman that he met on Craigslist, scanning behaviors, dating sites, etc.... I found photos of him on dating sites, and photos he sent to many OW of his genitals.

We are both in counseling, he is going to SA meetings, and has been sober for almost 18 months. He did hit bottom when I nearly committed suicide due to all of this crap. I do not believe he is acting out. I am working on learning how to trust him again. We are working hard at keeping us together. I do love him.

This morning I am at home, cleaning out some junk as we are about to do a remodel, and I have some stuff I can't donate, so I was going to post it on our neighborhood Yahoo group to see if anyone wanted it before I threw it away. When I opened Yahoo Groups, his account was already logged on, and I saw a group I had never heard of. I know this is his account, because the other Yahoo groups that I know he is a member of (like our kid's school group) were there as well. I went to look at it, and it was a porn group, complete with a very graphic picture that reminded me of the pictures I found on Dday. I went into the mail for this account, found a Yahoo email address I had never heard of, with an attached phone number I had never seen. I called the number, which is in Detroit (we live in CA), and it was disconnected. I confronted WH, and he had a logical explanation for the Yahoo account. Said he hasn't been in that account for years (backed up by tons and tons of spam, no sent mail, no trash in the account). I am trying to trust but verify. I spent an hour plus looking through the account, and found nothing suspicious.

I discussed with WH, and he made this all about him. I tried to explain that I needed to talk, and all he could do was justify his current behavior, say that he wasn't doing anything, and that he wasn't to blame for how I was feeling. I told him I begged to differ with him, as all of how I am feeling is the result of his infidelity and SA. I was not like this before.

I do believe he is being truthful, but I am triggering big time. I feel like I keep getting punched in the gut. I am now diagnosed with PTSD from this, am already on antidepressants, and have anti-anxiety meds to take when needed. I exercise regularly, try to eat right, and don't drink excessively. I just can't keep finding this kind of stuff. I feel like it will never end. MC says 2-5 years for recovery, and I am pretty sure I'm on the 5 year plan. What else can I do to make sure this doesn't keep happening. I don't want to find anything else that WH forgot about. BS & WS welcome to post.

Thank you.

Lovedyoumore posted 6/25/2014 18:02 PM

So sorry you are hurting. I am over 3 years out and new things punch me in the gut. Not new info necessarily, just new ways of thinking, new ways of placement, little aha moments, etc.

I would get rid of your current email and group accounts if there is a smidge of chance he has used them in the past. It is a pain, but set up new ones and delete the old. Other than business and your own personal ones, delete. What if something popped up on your kids? If your computer is aging, chuck it. Get a new one and only import your necessary info. Get an external hard drive for your personal documents and family pictures, transfer them, then take the hard drive out and smash it. Be very careful and you control what is loaded on the new one. Obviously, no CL account, even for non sexual use. We have never used CL for anything and we do not plan to. You can have a family gmail account and family yahoo account so you can be the administrator.

hardtimesinlife posted 6/25/2014 21:07 PM

I think your trigger wouldn't be so bad if your H knew how to handle things when you trigger. Perhaps he would read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" (I think that's the title).

I also think that triggers help us heal. It seems counterintuitive but each time we trigger our mind works through the pain and we get a bit stronger.

I'm glad you are posting now. You might find it shaves a couple years off the 5 year plan.

Tearsoflove posted 6/25/2014 23:04 PM

I disagree with him. He left it open with that group account on there. If you could see it, he could see it. That means he knew it was there, kept it, and didn't tell you about it. That is still wayward behavior whether the contact information was accurate or not.

Jrazz posted 6/25/2014 23:10 PM

What else can I do to make sure this doesn't keep happening.

That is the hardest part about trying to reconcile - the fact that there is pretty much nothing YOU can do to make sure he straightens out and flies right. That's on him. You can draw a line to protect yourself, but that means that you have to follow through if he blows it.

He may not have been active on this account, but he certainly knew of its existence. If part of R is that he come completely clean about everything, I'd say he's not pulling his weight there. He can pout and stomp his feet, but he needs to GET this. Really get it.


Ostrich80 posted 6/26/2014 00:22 AM

He could of handled this like a real R ws, but his behavior prob made this trigger worse. I'm sorry you had to see all that crap.

TheGivingTree posted 6/26/2014 00:25 AM

Thanks for the replies. I agree that he has not really done all he could be doing. I suggested to him that he get on SI, and start posting in the wayward forum. I think he needs to be called out by someone other than me and MC.

All of this just sucks.

shygirl07 posted 6/26/2014 11:58 AM

The giving tree,
I found stuff like that to , plenty o time with my wayward ex. Messages to his ex homewrecker "friend" that he would later cheat on me with and leave me for after 7 years. Also messages to some hooker he met in vegas and developed a weird friendship with , that i later found out he hooked up with (found this out years after we broke up)

when I saw the messages to the hooker, calling her beautiful saying he would fly out to see her, when he treated me like CRAP i to needed medication and etc. . years later I realized ( and my situation is way different we didnt have kids or marriage) but its better to be alone , the source of your happiness CANNOT be the source of your pain. I read everything you wrote and sweet love, why would you want to suffer ? things will never be the same and trust is gone, you desreve so much better then this .. i am sayin because i am living breathing proof that its just better to leave sometimes then keep yourself in stress and hurt ..... i never could trust him again ever...

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