I was awarded child support, not the amount we were seeking. His atty calculated less than mine...$289 less. The judge said it was temporary and we would figure out the actual amount at trial.
So one of my main points is that STBX had a pattern of drinking and driving. I have bank statements that show he was drinking before picking up DS from daycare. The judge said he had an obligation to take the claim seriously so he agreed that supervised was the way to go.
Now this is where things get sticky. I'm sure I'm going to get some harsh feedback from some of you about this next part, but I've appreciated everyone's honesty on this site so I'm going to be honest....
My STBX and I used to *smoke* regularly. After work to unwind. I've never smoked around DS or driven or endangered him. It's just been something to relieve stress and wind down. Since moving away, almost losing my job, and going through this Divorce I have smoked on occasion to relieve stress and to unwind before bed. To say I'm stressed out is an understatement. It wasn't the smartest thing but I realize now my coping skills suck and I'm an idiot.
Well his atty asked for me to submit a hair follicle test. I sat on the witness stand and didn't say much. I wasn't sure what to say or how to act. I didn't want to incriminate myself when the judge was acting like I was the most credible person in the room. The end result is that STBX has to do a psychological drug and alcohol evaluation and We both have to do the test.
As soon as we adjourned I grabbed my lawyer and let her know I probably wasn't going to pass. STBX came out of the courtroom saying "Go take it today, do it todayyyy!!!"
I said, "you go do it today!" I mean the guy is the biggest smoker I know and have ever known. He replied, "I will..no problem!" Our attorneys talked for a minute while we glared at each other. I could tell by his cockiness that he stopped smoking in anticipation of this.
My attorney seems to think that my test won't be a factor and his drinking and driving WITH the baby in the car is a much bigger problem. My atty was sweet and said that if she had to take a test today she would fail too.
Anyway, I debated telling you all this because of possible judgements from posters, but no one can beat me up more than I already am. I've been panicking and crying and feeling guilty and horrible since Monday.
My atty said it's good that I didn't speak up because there is a chance I'll pass it, but the judge believed everything I said and he seemed annoyed when the topic of tests came up. He said he didn't want this back and forth, but his atty pushed it.
Now my atty is going to try to have it be a urinalysis instead of a more costlier hair test.
That night I spoke with STBX on the phone for 45 minutes about the upcoming visitation. He was drunk. He seemed to think he really "got me" with throwing this at me. I just brushed it off completely and said let's stick to the topic of DS and his needs. He's seen him twice in 8 months, so there's things he needs to know before his visit.
Anyway, it's been a bittersweet week. I'm a very intelligent girl and I've pretty much been on top of my legal case through this whole thing. The fact that I stuck my head in the sand about this issue and didn't anticipate that it would come up is really embarrassing. My son is the most important thing and I feel like I failed him. So if you are reading this and you are going through something similar, just be smart and don't give anyone any ammunition to use against you. I just felt like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders and it's one of the only ways I could quiet my mind and all the crap that's been going on. Ask me now if I ever want to smoke again. Every time I look at my son I feel like the biggest loser. I do everything for him...everything. I live for him. And here's this one thing I didn't abstain from and now it's going to be a factor in our time together.
My atty is begging me to stop obsessing about it and she keeps assuring me it's not going to be a major issue. But I knew better and I should have done better.
[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 5:03 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]
Don't fret it too much. Pray, show initiative... Can you get into "drug counseling" or classes to show that you are taking responsibility should the test come out failing?
ETA- good advice ^^^
I have no experience with drugs so go with that.
[This message edited by movingforward13 at 9:27 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]
Thanks for posting guys. I just want to share my story...as embarrassed as I am, so that any other poster who is in the same spot can learn. Don't ever underestimate your stupid bafoon EX.
[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:57 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]
Good ideas from others about the drug testing. Good for u for standing up against ws
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Remember, this is the tactic that emotional abusers are used to using. You are probably conditioned to focus on the slings and arrows from your stbx. He has developed an attack strategy to keep you from focusing on his MAJOR faults and errors. DUI's? A failure to be present for the last 8 months?
A counter argument here is that if your stbx believed you had a habit that endangered his child and he failed to act on it for nearly a year???? Yea.... he was really worried. And if there were reason to worry, and he failed to act? He is a negligent parent for leaving the child in such a "dangerous" situation!
Try to relax.... legally!!! Trust your attorney. And don't let his attacks cause you to lose focus. You have a plan and multiple valid arguments for custody. Focus on your truth. Not his.
((hugs)) I hate being in court. It stresses me out to even think about court.
The judge obviously found credence in the possible DUI situation and has granted visitation based on that. Don't let your STBXWH get under your skin--he knows he is a sunken ship and is simply trying whatever he can to stay afloat.
No judge is going to give two hoots about that fact that you may have smoked some weed within the last 3 months.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Relax. You are NOT a bad person. If the true statistics were known, I would say there are a lot of parents who partake with absolutely no harmful affects on their children.
Also, didn't you take a trip to Colorado or Washington? Where it is legal! Didn't you also say you were just curious about what all the fuss was about and wanted to see what it was like?
As long as you are not getting high around your kids or driving high, you should be fine.
It is what it is.