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Update from NewMom0220

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NewMom0220 posted 6/25/2014 21:07 PM

Temporary hearing went well. STBX was granted 3 supervised weekend visits (EOW). I was called to the stand by his atty and Everytime she asked me a question I used it as an opportunity to get one of my talking points in. The judge seemed annoyed that there weren't any visits happening and I stressed that from the beginning I had tried to agree on EOW but he never responded.

I was awarded child support, not the amount we were seeking. His atty calculated less than mine...$289 less. The judge said it was temporary and we would figure out the actual amount at trial.

So one of my main points is that STBX had a pattern of drinking and driving. I have bank statements that show he was drinking before picking up DS from daycare. The judge said he had an obligation to take the claim seriously so he agreed that supervised was the way to go.

Now this is where things get sticky. I'm sure I'm going to get some harsh feedback from some of you about this next part, but I've appreciated everyone's honesty on this site so I'm going to be honest....

My STBX and I used to *smoke* regularly. After work to unwind. I've never smoked around DS or driven or endangered him. It's just been something to relieve stress and wind down. Since moving away, almost losing my job, and going through this Divorce I have smoked on occasion to relieve stress and to unwind before bed. To say I'm stressed out is an understatement. It wasn't the smartest thing but I realize now my coping skills suck and I'm an idiot.

Well his atty asked for me to submit a hair follicle test. I sat on the witness stand and didn't say much. I wasn't sure what to say or how to act. I didn't want to incriminate myself when the judge was acting like I was the most credible person in the room. The end result is that STBX has to do a psychological drug and alcohol evaluation and We both have to do the test.

As soon as we adjourned I grabbed my lawyer and let her know I probably wasn't going to pass. STBX came out of the courtroom saying "Go take it today, do it todayyyy!!!"

I said, "you go do it today!" I mean the guy is the biggest smoker I know and have ever known. He replied, "I problem!" Our attorneys talked for a minute while we glared at each other. I could tell by his cockiness that he stopped smoking in anticipation of this.

My attorney seems to think that my test won't be a factor and his drinking and driving WITH the baby in the car is a much bigger problem. My atty was sweet and said that if she had to take a test today she would fail too.

Anyway, I debated telling you all this because of possible judgements from posters, but no one can beat me up more than I already am. I've been panicking and crying and feeling guilty and horrible since Monday.

My atty said it's good that I didn't speak up because there is a chance I'll pass it, but the judge believed everything I said and he seemed annoyed when the topic of tests came up. He said he didn't want this back and forth, but his atty pushed it.

Now my atty is going to try to have it be a urinalysis instead of a more costlier hair test.

That night I spoke with STBX on the phone for 45 minutes about the upcoming visitation. He was drunk. He seemed to think he really "got me" with throwing this at me. I just brushed it off completely and said let's stick to the topic of DS and his needs. He's seen him twice in 8 months, so there's things he needs to know before his visit.

Anyway, it's been a bittersweet week. I'm a very intelligent girl and I've pretty much been on top of my legal case through this whole thing. The fact that I stuck my head in the sand about this issue and didn't anticipate that it would come up is really embarrassing. My son is the most important thing and I feel like I failed him. So if you are reading this and you are going through something similar, just be smart and don't give anyone any ammunition to use against you. I just felt like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders and it's one of the only ways I could quiet my mind and all the crap that's been going on. Ask me now if I ever want to smoke again. Every time I look at my son I feel like the biggest loser. I do everything for him...everything. I live for him. And here's this one thing I didn't abstain from and now it's going to be a factor in our time together.

My atty is begging me to stop obsessing about it and she keeps assuring me it's not going to be a major issue. But I knew better and I should have done better.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 5:03 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]

HeBrokeVows posted 6/25/2014 21:24 PM

Ok. This is a post of not judging and coming from a therapist who worked with addicts before being a stay at home mom. A hair follicle test will show you've done something illegal sometime in the past 90 days. It will not show you were high around your child. Relax. Your attorney is right. What you have on your husband is he picked up your child from daycare drunk. They will have on you that you smoked weed sometime the past three months. That's ridiculous. A urine drug screen is typically what's used. You can't even get a level of marijuana from the hair like you can on a UDS. Relax! You will be fine. Let the lawyer handle it.

movingforward13 posted 6/25/2014 21:26 PM

Well, take the test. Delay it as long as possible. If you fail, you fail. What's done is done and nothing you can do about it now. Face the consequences of your actions. I really hope for you it isn't harsh. Chances are your attorney is right but if dad presses the issue, it is a valid argument as you have baby more than he does.

Don't fret it too much. Pray, show initiative... Can you get into "drug counseling" or classes to show that you are taking responsibility should the test come out failing?

ETA- good advice ^^^
I have no experience with drugs so go with that.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 9:27 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

HeBrokeVows posted 6/25/2014 21:26 PM

I hope my post didn't sound harsh. I just re read it. I know it's difficult any time custody comes to play. It is for me too. I was trying to out you at ease and realized it came out wrong. Hugs to you during this all.

LifeIsBroken posted 6/25/2014 21:31 PM

FWIW, I worked with lawyers for a number of years, including for the county and the state. Few of those lawyers would have passed a drug test. Very few. Most of them 'smoked.' A number of them later became judges. If your attorney says it's not that big a deal, listen to her. My xh 'smoked' most days of our 35 yr marriage. I didn't really mind: it didn't affect his parenting and, frankly, he was nicer to be around because his stress level evened out. Personally, I would much rather deal with a 'smoker' than an alcoholic. Just my .02, based only on my personal experience. And, no, I didn't / don't 'smoke.'

donotlietome posted 6/25/2014 21:35 PM

I think it was very brave of you to be honest about this issue here. It might help someone in the future. No judgement here.

NewMom0220 posted 6/25/2014 21:43 PM

No, no one has said anything harsh so far. All good advice. My attorney also seems to think that the judge has liberal views regarding this particular issue. I am delaying taking the test for as long as possible, and my atty wants to argue that it should be a urine test and not a hair test since I have no history and there was no basis for the requesting the hair test. She said they might have to have a small matters hearing, so there's that. But I'm also a big girl and can face the consequences.

Thanks for posting guys. I just want to share my embarrassed as I am, so that any other poster who is in the same spot can learn. Don't ever underestimate your stupid bafoon EX.

NewMom0220 posted 6/25/2014 21:44 PM

Also, be 100% honest with your attorney. Had I told her this before she would have told me to from the get go to abstain (which is common sense and I should have been anyway) and she would have fought right then and there at the temporary hearing so I wouldn't have to take it. My STBX has DUI's and this paper trail of bar visits when he was driving DS. Had I been honest with my atty, she would have been more prepared to fight for me. Instead she saw me look calm and collected on the witness stand and took that to mean I was ok with it.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:57 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 6/25/2014 22:03 PM

No judgement here. Just to let you know, during my d I stopped everything. I wanted to b very clearheaded. After d I went w friends and drank a lot. You gotta b clearheaded now. Perhaps ur doctor could prescribe a sleep med. mine gave me sonata. It helps u sleep then stops working about 4 hours later so ur not groggy next day.

Good ideas from others about the drug testing. Good for u for standing up against ws

caregiver9000 posted 6/26/2014 00:34 AM

The best advice posted here is to listen to your attorney. Seriously. If there were reason to worry or something you could be doing to off set this test, she would tell you.

Remember, this is the tactic that emotional abusers are used to using. You are probably conditioned to focus on the slings and arrows from your stbx. He has developed an attack strategy to keep you from focusing on his MAJOR faults and errors. DUI's? A failure to be present for the last 8 months?

A counter argument here is that if your stbx believed you had a habit that endangered his child and he failed to act on it for nearly a year???? Yea.... he was really worried. And if there were reason to worry, and he failed to act? He is a negligent parent for leaving the child in such a "dangerous" situation!

Try to relax.... legally!!! Trust your attorney. And don't let his attacks cause you to lose focus. You have a plan and multiple valid arguments for custody. Focus on your truth. Not his.

((hugs)) I hate being in court. It stresses me out to even think about court.

swizzlestick03 posted 6/26/2014 07:53 AM

I would think this could easily be thrown out, as it is legal in certain parts of the country. So you shouldn't be penalized for, say, going on vacation to Colorado, etc.

The judge obviously found credence in the possible DUI situation and has granted visitation based on that. Don't let your STBXWH get under your skin--he knows he is a sunken ship and is simply trying whatever he can to stay afloat.

Chin up.

sparkysable posted 6/26/2014 09:09 AM

Think of it this way, this is the only cards he held in his hand, and he threw that pair of Aces down on the table and smirked and pranced around as if he won. However, you've got a straight flush. Ok, so you don't have a pair of Aces, but overall, you won.

No judge is going to give two hoots about that fact that you may have smoked some weed within the last 3 months.

Newlease posted 6/26/2014 11:57 AM

I would think that worst case scenario would be that the court requires you to see a drug counselor. I would not think your use would have any bearing on custody at all.

Relax. You are NOT a bad person. If the true statistics were known, I would say there are a lot of parents who partake with absolutely no harmful affects on their children.



peridot posted 6/26/2014 13:59 PM

How long has it been since you smoked? I think it only stays in your system for 30 days. I have also heard there are things you can do to get it out of your system faster. Try doing a Google search.

Also, didn't you take a trip to Colorado or Washington? Where it is legal! Didn't you also say you were just curious about what all the fuss was about and wanted to see what it was like?

As long as you are not getting high around your kids or driving high, you should be fine.

tesla posted 6/26/2014 14:13 PM

ex-shat is a therapeutic, recreational *smoker*. And as much as I'd love to have a reason to get his visitation reduced to supervised, the fact is that I would have to link what he is doing with something that directly impacts Teslet and I'd have to have the proof. Same thing with his drinking. Very, very hard to prove and quite frankly a stupid move on your stbx's part to ask for it without anything to back up a claim that there is child negligence or endangerment involved.
Relax. You have nothing to worry about.

NewMom0220 posted 6/26/2014 18:32 PM

Thanks everyone for your responses. If anything, you've made me feel less like a total fuck up. I'm so grateful for this site. Ever since DDay I've just been in survival mode and desperately wanting to crawl out of the deep dark hole that I've been in since this whole thing started. I think this is the only place I can go where people can really relate, and there have been some dark days where I've felt that if I didn't have DS then I probably wouldn't have made it at all. That's how much hurt and anguish I've experienced over this. I'm someone who is used to running away from everything and putting on a happy face. No one would know all of the stuff I've dealt with just by looking at me or talking to me. I just need to find some new coping skills and stop being short sighted about the choices I make and how they affect my son and our future.

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