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toasted22 posted 6/26/2014 06:28 AM

Haven't posted for a while but its not good. Dam confusing

Its been over 2 years since DD. Both Wife and I have been having IC and MC. I am doing well. My two IC's both tell me this. The husband and wife couple seeing us for MC also believe I am doing well. My wife sees the wife for IC and I see the husband for IC.

I also see another IC for some other professional support.

My wife still agonizes over the 'Why' question. I talk about this with my IC's and I relate to her what I learn.

It is never ever enough. I listen to her deeply. I keep all my boundaries and they are so much a part of my life that they are habits, good habits. I am really weary of anything to do with other women.

My wife says there is some progress in trusting me but not much. She wants to regain the trust she had in me before the affair but knows it will never (in her thinking) happen.

She said today that if things don't get better by the end of the year she wants us to split.

I try to have deep genuine relationship talks but they get side tracked by emotional fueled reasoning. We went round and round in circles for 1 1/2 hours today. I was shattered and she was too.

We went grocery shopping together and came home. I cooked dinner and our oldest son (19) came out and looked at me and said I looked defeated. He doesn't generally express such intuitive type insights. I held back my tears and agreed with his question 'has it been a rough day'.

I am tired. My wife, since then, has given me some hugs and kisses and told me she loves me. So this kind of keeps me hanging on.

I don't know what more I can do. I am being super consistent in everything. I recognise that I can't change my wife, I can only change myself. Its like my wife doesn't want to accept the new me but wants to keep dragging up the old me. As my counselor says 'I'm not that man anymore'

Defeated was very accurate, too accurate.

sunnyrain posted 6/26/2014 07:08 AM

I am so sorry that your wife is having such a hard time moving on. Are you able to share your fears with her, or is she unable to hear anything other than her own pain? I imagine it's very frustrating to be stuck in your situation. Is the MC working with her on letting go of the past and focusing on the present?

I wish you both peace.

DrJekyll posted 6/26/2014 07:16 AM

It is very important for you to keep open for her to express these feelings to you. I can understand the feeling of being defeated. I have felt that way many times since DDay.

I try to have deep genuine relationship talks but they get side tracked by emotional fueled reasoning. We went round and round in circles for 1 1/2 hours today. I was shattered and she was too.

This sounds like she may not be feeling "emotionally safe" You need to work on creating a "safe" environment for her to express her feelings. That will help in building the trust. When she says something emotionally. You need to deploy active listening. Empathize with her to understand what she is feeling, validate her feelings, and show her that you are on the same side. Keep the negative tones out of your voice. Be compassionate. Always remember, you did this to her. This was not her choice, it was yours. Sure it may have been 2 years from DDay, and it sounds like you have progressed a lot. But that is no reason to fuel the flames in an emotional conversation. Every day is a gift. Everyday is an opportunity. Have you asked her how you can help her?

Your BW still loves you and doesn't want you to hurt, she is showing compassion and empathy toward you. Look to her as an example and reciprocate. Give that same compassion and empathy back to her.

And keep fighting. It is not over, until its over. Her statement of "by the end of the year" tells you, you have 6 months. But you have to get to the "why" If you do not know "why" you cannot guard against it.

sunnyrain posted 6/26/2014 09:24 AM

Hi again, Toasted. My original reply was based on the assumption that you've been coached by both your MC and IC to claim responsibility for your cheating, and that you've been demonstrating positive changes in yourself and in your M. I also assumed that you've been coached on how to help your wife through her difficult moments or triggers.

Maybe I was wrong to assume those things, and if so, I'm linking "7 mistakes to Avoid After You've Been Caught Cheating," by goasksuzie:

Reading her articles for both the WS and BS has been extremely helpful in my personal growth and progress. Here is the link to her articles for both the BS and the WS:

I'm rooting for you, your wife, and your M!

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