Haven't posted for a while but its not good. Dam confusing
Its been over 2 years since DD. Both Wife and I have been having IC and MC. I am doing well. My two IC's both tell me this. The husband and wife couple seeing us for MC also believe I am doing well. My wife sees the wife for IC and I see the husband for IC.
I also see another IC for some other professional support.
My wife still agonizes over the 'Why' question. I talk about this with my IC's and I relate to her what I learn.
It is never ever enough. I listen to her deeply. I keep all my boundaries and they are so much a part of my life that they are habits, good habits. I am really weary of anything to do with other women.
My wife says there is some progress in trusting me but not much. She wants to regain the trust she had in me before the affair but knows it will never (in her thinking) happen.
She said today that if things don't get better by the end of the year she wants us to split.
I try to have deep genuine relationship talks but they get side tracked by emotional fueled reasoning. We went round and round in circles for 1 1/2 hours today. I was shattered and she was too.
We went grocery shopping together and came home. I cooked dinner and our oldest son (19) came out and looked at me and said I looked defeated. He doesn't generally express such intuitive type insights. I held back my tears and agreed with his question 'has it been a rough day'.
I am tired. My wife, since then, has given me some hugs and kisses and told me she loves me. So this kind of keeps me hanging on.
I don't know what more I can do. I am being super consistent in everything. I recognise that I can't change my wife, I can only change myself. Its like my wife doesn't want to accept the new me but wants to keep dragging up the old me. As my counselor says 'I'm not that man anymore'
Defeated was very accurate, too accurate.