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LostSamurai posted 6/26/2014 08:49 AM

I am writing a letter to WW. I posted in Men Thread but I figure I let the ladies have a say and FWS as well. It is based on Dobson's book.
Please Review:
Revision1.1

WW,
It has been rough for me since you decided to leave me October 26 of last year. My love for you was so great. I only wanted to be married once and committed to that person I choose to marry forever or until I died. In the beginning I attempted whatever it took to keep you in this marriage. As I took a step back, it occurred to me that I cannot keep you in the marriage. I did not force you into this marriage in any form or fashion. In fact, it was your own free choice that you choose to be in this marriage. I didn't even pressure you to marry me.

It is very intriguing how people act in a time of crisis. Things became blurred in the last 8 or 9 months. In the last few weeks I have actually been able to stand back from our difficulties. I now see everything in a new light. I realized how stupid and naive I have been. I was duped into thinking your affair(s) were over. I tried to do everything to "WIN" you back. I went on medications, went to anger management and counseling and anything you basically demanded to keep you from leaving. I guess I loved you so much that I was willing to do anything for you.

I no longer will WW. Those days are over. If you want to go you then by all means go. It might be for the best. If the actions you have demonstrated in these past couple of weeks are of any indication of who you really are, I doubt I will ever trust you again or feel for you as I used to. I by no means was a perfect husband but I can say my lips never touched another woman's, or let another woman touch my body since I pledged my life to you. You, however, let not one, but two men or possibly more defile the marriage bed where your daughter and I slept for three years or more. I am no longer special to you-I'm just DD's father, not your friend or husband. I can't live with that. I’d rather face life alone than be another Tom, Dick or Harry in your cesspool. If OM1, OM2 or any other guy is the one you want to be with, then I hope you two are happy together. I don't see how God can bless anything moving forward, based on his own words, but that is between you and the Lord. We both have to answer to him, but I worked on my porn issues, am 4 years sober, worked on my anger, and at this point in my life, my conscience is clear.

Where do we go from here WW? I’ve been thinking and believe it is time to end this whatever it is because it is not a marriage. It will not work with us being separated as we are, and making me visit your parents’ house to visit my own DD and you are just going on like life is normal. You say you aren't sure if you want to come back because there have been so many up and downs. That is not inspiring to me at all, especially seeing how we committed to love each other, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, in the good times and bad, until death do us part. I wanted to keep my family intact and have a family that would be filled with love and have a great support system for DD and all the children to come. Most importantly I wanted to have a wife that no matter what would always do the Godly thing in all situations, even if she did something wrong because she would be a good example to my children as what a Christian Wife/Mother/Woman should be.

If you decide to be that woman in the future, we can talk about it. I can make no promises at this point because I am working on detaching myself from you so my heart won’t ache any longer. It will not be easy because you were my one and only love that I ever wanted to be with, but was that was then and this is now. God Bless you WW. I will always be there for DD and I will miss you dearly.

LS

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 10:21 AM, June 26th (Thursday)]

brokenblackbird posted 6/26/2014 11:12 AM

Lost, writing letters can be a very good way to get things out that we need to say.

That said, your wife is not going to get it. She hasn't gotten it in all this time, she isn't going to get it from this letter.

Don't send this. Don't harbor the slightest hope that she will finally come around if only you say the right words. That never happens.

Kajem posted 6/26/2014 11:16 AM

Why are you sending this?

What is your motivation?

What reaction are you hoping for from your WW?

My initial reaction is don't send it. It sounds like you're wanting her to wake up and choose you and the marriage. If she doesn't you'll _________! What will you do? Get mad? Punch a wall? Stamp your feet? File?

I understand wanting what the marriage you thought you had again. But you have to look forward - how do you see being with someone who is showing you that they do not value you. Hint: you're living it. How does that feel? Think about living that way for eternity. Until she changes, it's what eternity with this woman will be like.

You've done the pick me dance. Worked on your issues, improved yourself in ways she demanded, and never got to see in action. She wasn't paying attention to you because she isn't valuing you.

At this point you need to value yourself more than she does. You are God's precious son. Don't let her or anyone debase God's creation that is you.

K

MissesJai posted 6/26/2014 11:19 AM

Why are you sending this?

What is your motivation?

What reaction are you hoping for from your WW?

ButterflyGirl posted 6/26/2014 11:23 AM

Don't send this. Don't harbor the slightest hope that she will finally come around if only you say the right words. That never happens.

This ^^^

DO NOT SEND THIS. It's great for you to start putting your mind back together. I look at it like a puzzle. You find some more pieces, realize some more things, put some more pieces where they go, but the picture doesn't seem finished yet.

Honestly? How you feel is going to keep changing. Today, you are sad about her abandoning you. Tomorrow, you will be angry about it. I feel you've been in the "bargaining" stage of grief for far too long, and sending this letter is just more proof that you are still trying to "bargain" with her.

The only part of that letter I would send is, "It will not work with us being separated as we are, and making me visit your parents’ house to visit my own DD." Figure out what kind of schedule you want with your DD, and demand it. NO WAY should you have to constantly go on HER turf to see YOUR daughter. F that.

Kids and finances LS. NOTHING ELSE. NO EMOTIONS.

You need emotional support, and that's what we are here for. Go to ANYONE else but her to express your feelings. SHE DOESN'T DESERVE to hear where your head is at all the time.

None of this is news to her. You are just giving her TONS of ammunition to further manipulate you. However you are feeling, it's probably going to change, so STOP giving her updates on your healing.

LostSamurai posted 6/26/2014 11:30 AM

1. I forgot to add, that I am using this not to change her mind.
2. I plan to file regardless and will send it out with the divorce papers.

3. I was following James Dobson's approach.

Reading some of the things here, it sounds like another waste of time.

LostSamurai posted 6/26/2014 11:32 AM

Well tomorrow is my phone call to the lawyer...I hate this.

heme posted 6/26/2014 11:36 AM

Advice my wonderful grandma once gave me..

When you are really mad write the person a letter. Take it and seal it in an envelop. Wait a month, take it out and read it. Ask yourself: 1) is it truthful or full of emotion, 2) is it meant to help or hurt, 3) will it change the person or make them realize what they have done?

If the answer is no to any of these there is no reason to give the person that letter. Instead take it and burn it. Let the negativity leave with the letter and instead of focusing on them focus on yourself. Instead of using that energy to be mad or hate on the person use it to better yourself and your situation. Some people are just not worth the energy.

Sounds like no matter what you say or do your ex will not understand or show remorse for what she has done. Is she really worth continuing to agonize over?

brokenblackbird posted 6/26/2014 11:36 AM

It is a waste of time. Your wife has had time after time after time of you telling her how you feel, how much you want her, etc.

Just by your response to everyone's comments not to send this, it is obvious you did hope it would change her mind.

((LS))

Good luck with your call to the attorney.

LostSamurai posted 6/26/2014 11:44 AM

Your right. This won't work. Just going to have to file.

LostSamurai posted 6/26/2014 11:55 AM

I keep wasting my time. I am trying to fight for something that is no more. I am probably to scared to move on.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/26/2014 12:05 PM

Sending strength LS. It *is* scary, but you are strong, and you can do this and will survive and thrive. I promise it gets better..

Kajem posted 6/26/2014 15:16 PM

LS your at the crossroads on this path. And it's one of the most painful places to be after the initial truth (about our spouses) is discovered.

It's exhausting trying to make someone love you. Once you realize the truth in my last statement there will be no turning back. You might not be there yet. That's ok.

My children are constantly rejected in little (and big) ways by my XH and ow/NW. It pains me to watch it happen to them, therapist says the will stop going to the well when they realize the well is dry.

LS we know the well is dry and are trying to keep you from being hurt again

Schadenfreude posted 6/26/2014 16:43 PM

I gave this advice out yesterday

Lessons from Pop Music, Chapter XXVII

Put it in a letter
Send it to yourself

Ricky Don't Lose That Number. Steely Dan, circa 1973.

suckstobeme posted 6/26/2014 18:39 PM

Here's the thing - that letter came right from your heart. Your soul is splattered all over those pages. To a person who also has a heart and a soul, that is a beautiful letter and something that would bring a tear to her eyes.

Many years ago - I had a long term boyfriend who had a lot of issues based on his FOO. He was a good person and treated me very well when his mood was good. When his mood was bad or he got into a bad head space, he was awful to me. We were on and off for a long time. I finally ended it for good, not because of any cheating, but because I just couldn't do it anymore. He wrote me a letter like that. - he poured his heart out. He had broken up with me 100 times, but still tried to get me to love him enough to try again. I read that letter a thousand times and cried every time. We ultimately didn't get back together, but his letter touched me so much because even though I had to end it for my own well being, I still loved him and it still hurt me knowing that I hurt him.

My point in telling you that story is to show you that for normal people, it really hurts to hurt someone else. For people who have serious issues with very weak coping mechanisms, and horrible boundaries, and a massively inflated sense of entitlement, it doesn't hurt. They see your pain and step right over it. My exWH literally did just that. The day he told me he rented his own apartment, I was on the floor, in the fetal position crying my eyes out and he literally stepped over me to go get something to eat. He didn't care and/or didn't want to see my pain so he did his very best to close his eyes to me. I wouldn't treat a stranger on the street like that and neither would you, but your WW has no problem with it and neither did my ex.

I know you plan to file and your head has started to accept that it's over. Your heart is a different story and, as with all of us, that will take a while to catch up. The thing to understand and grasp right now is that she doesn't deserve any more pieces of your heart. She's done enough damage and no matter what beautiful words you put together for her, she just won't see it.

That letter?? If you give her that, you just handed her your heart again.

lilacs40 posted 6/26/2014 18:59 PM

Lost samurai it seems like you and I are in similar places in our journeys, we know its never going to be good again but not quite ready to let go. It's ok if your head and heart aren't in the same place.

I too married thinking it would last forever and feel a tremendous anoint of guilt for bailing on what seems like "for worse" but if the worse is never going to be better its ok to bail I think.

I'm not certain of your situation but it does appear that it probably won't be better so file, work through whatever feelings you have and hopefully by the time the D is final your head and heart will be on the same page.

Heme had good advice about waiting. What I do when I have something "vulnerable" that I'd like WH to hear I write an email and save it to drafts. This way if WH ever gets his head out Of his ass he can read it and appreciate it.

Sending strength.

UnexpectedSong posted 6/26/2014 21:35 PM

let the ladies have a say and FWS as well

The letter is too long. If you really want to send her a letter, it should be like:

Dear WW,

I am giving you one last chance. If you want this gift of R that I offer, you need to do the following:

1. Go to IC
2. Figure out your boundaries
3. Figure out how to make me feel safe
4.
5.
etc.

Sincerely,
Your Husband

But only if you mean it.

Don't explain. Don't beg. It makes you look weak.

LostSamurai posted 6/26/2014 22:41 PM

Thanks everyone. I am officially giving up. I will get the divorce papers together and file. The well, is dried up and her love bank for me has closed it's account. Other men have soiled her body and her heart and now it is completely muddled up everything and she chose to do it.

wonderingbull posted 6/26/2014 23:12 PM

LS... I know, I tried all the exhausting expressions of hurt and love and the ex repeatedly slammed my hand in that car door...

There is life, love, adventure and experiences just waiting for you... I never believed it until I opened myself up to it...

Let go or get dragged my man...

WB

Schadenfreude posted 6/27/2014 06:57 AM

Other men didn't "soil"'her. She encourage them to F her. She soiled herself. It's HER fault not theirs or yours