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Being trusting or being controlling? WS welcome

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hopefulmother posted 6/26/2014 08:50 AM

So, I was the trusting type. I let my husband have female friends. I let him go out with co-workers. I trusted him and his love for me. I just believed he was a honorable man of integrity that didn't need me to be his Jimmeny Cricket on his shoulder (say it all the time he hates that term). I never felt the need to be a controlling jealous wife like many of my friends. Well, we all know how that turned out.

I wonder how many BS are of that category?

Men say they want their space, but I am wondering if they truly do? I wonder if they see being somewhat controlling (establishing stricter boundaries on grown men ) as being caring. You know, giving them their attention. Making them feel wanted by their wives.?

stunnedmullet posted 6/26/2014 09:03 AM

I did a bit the same. So many of my friends would say they couldn't believe how much freedom I let WH have, going off for weeks of a time with the army reserves (where he met OW), spending hours at the gym, going out with work mates etc. I thought if I tried to stop him he would resent me for not being able to do the things that he said were important to him. Obviously over the years this plus him living in another state by himself for 5 months to start his new job whilst I stayed back, prepared our house for sale, and looked after our 6 kids, gave him the perfect opportunity to start an EA with the opportunistic OW (she had been at our house painting our fence to get it ready for sale along with other army mates - so Shem we exactly what was going on!). And he was too selfish and caught up in his new freedom to give me and the kids a second thought. But the PA started two weeks after he kids and it joined him in the new city to live. It still feels like a punch in the guts when I go over it in my head.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 6/26/2014 09:12 AM

Yes I did the same. I gave my H all the time he wanted for himself. It's was always him and then Me and the kids. From going out with friends to playing sports to missing the kids activities. I used to think he would resent me too if I asked him not to. I was so trusting. There was no way he would ever cheat on me.

There was one occasion that is burned into my mind. H called me to ask if he could go to a sporting event with OW. I asked him "Are you asking my permission to let you go out on a date?" I did let him go that day even though I felt horrible about it. They were "just friends" of course and she was like "one of the guys". At the end of that coversation he told me "you are the best wife ever!" This is why I always feel like the jokes on me

[This message edited by SoAngryAndHurt at 9:14 AM, June 26th (Thursday)]

brokendancer7 posted 6/26/2014 09:16 AM

I definitely fall in this category. I didn't want H to feel suffocated and unable to pursue things that he said were important to him. He is a musician. I had seen other spouses who hung around performing venues all the time and didn't want to be one of them, but looking back, I guess I should have been. To him, the courtesy and freedom to follow his own interests translated to "I am single! Broken has given up on sex! (???) Therefore, I should have sex with strange women who compliment me!"

heme posted 6/26/2014 09:52 AM

I was very trusting, to a point where a lot of people told me I was foolishly so. I never questioned anything, if he wanted to go somewhere with friends/solo then I didn't say a thing about it. I never looked into his e-mail, phone, Facebook etc even though Ive always had the passwords to them.

Seeing where it got me Im thinking rules might be a good thing for a relationship. Obviously trusting someone is not a good idea.

brokeninfl posted 6/26/2014 10:20 AM

This was definitely me as well.

Now, for most of our marriage (well, whole relationship) he pretty much insisted on me going with him everywhere - even if I didn't want to. There was zero apart time. Zero -- like when he would have to go to work on the weekend, he would want me to come along and just sit there with him (yeah, yeah I kick myself for not seeing these things as "issues" I thought it was because he just loved me SO much)

When I was pregnant with our boys - I was on bed rest. All the sudden I COULDN'T go with him. I sent him off with my blessing to go/do whatever he wanted. He went, and went, and went. And I was honestly fine with it. I was kind of thinking it was a "good" thing to get a "last hurrah" thing before he was cut off from the "nights at the bar" thing for a while with two infants.

I remember people being appalled that he was off all the time while I was hole up in bed (or on the couch) with only permission to get up to pee or take a 5 min or less shower.

Nope, not me. I actively encouraged it.

Then there was the kicker. When I was about a week out from our induction date - OW called around midnight with an emotional crisis (OW is the child of (former)friends of ours -- 18 to our 31 at the time) I said - sure! Go help. Oh, but BTW, you know she has a crush on you right? Watch out for that.
When I think about it I actively want to kick my own ass. Not that I think it would have stopped the cheating necessarily- but honestly, why would I think that was ok behavior period?

Didact posted 6/26/2014 12:08 PM

From a BH:

I trusted her completely.

She had several male friends.

She had an apartment near her work for the times she worked multiple 12-hour days in a row.

One of her closest friends was/is a male that I went to law school with.

I was sometimes jealous, but rarely.

That changed. I don't believe she really wanted stricter boundaries, I think she really needed them. It's part of the reformation of our relationship that we each have newer rules regarding "friends." Sad, in a big way.

ETA: OM wasn't one of these "friends." He was a MM looking for someone to say "yes."

[This message edited by Didact at 12:09 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]

seethelight posted 6/26/2014 13:37 PM

I was the same way.

Some women used to chide me for giving him so much freedom, but I didn't want my husband to feel stifled.

I wanted him to be able to pursue his own interests. Of course that prevented me from having too much freedom because I was at home being responsible in caring for the kids and pets and finances.

I blame it on the relationship psychologists who are forever proclaiming that couples need space from each other. Is that really true, or does it just make it easier to cheat?

Also, and to add to the humiliation of it all, my wayward tried to tell the MC that I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS CONTROLLING.

Thank goodness, she wasn't buying it. She looked him in the eyes for a loooooooong time, and then said you were going out three nights a week supposedly with the boys, and two or three times a year on supposed men's only vacations, and you are trying to convince me that she is the one controlling you?

I think that woke him, up. He has never again tried to accuse me of being controlling.

Edited to Add:

Oh, and I never snooped in his email or phone or went through his pockets or anything.

So much for being trusting.

[This message edited by seethelight at 1:39 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]

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