I wonder how many BS are of that category?
Men say they want their space, but I am wondering if they truly do? I wonder if they see being somewhat controlling (establishing stricter boundaries on grown men ) as being caring. You know, giving them their attention. Making them feel wanted by their wives.?
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 7 kids (last a HB baby)
I always thought I was enough but ob
There was one occasion that is burned into my mind. H called me to ask if he could go to a sporting event with OW. I asked him "Are you asking my permission to let you go out on a date?" I did let him go that day even though I felt horrible about it. They were "just friends" of course and she was like "one of the guys". At the end of that coversation he told me "you are the best wife ever!" This is why I always feel like the jokes on me
[This message edited by SoAngryAndHurt at 9:14 AM, June 26th (Thursday)]
Latest DD - April 2013, PA
Seeing where it got me Im thinking rules might be a good thing for a relationship. Obviously trusting someone is not a good idea.
Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.
Now, for most of our marriage (well, whole relationship) he pretty much insisted on me going with him everywhere - even if I didn't want to. There was zero apart time. Zero -- like when he would have to go to work on the weekend, he would want me to come along and just sit there with him (yeah, yeah I kick myself for not seeing these things as "issues" – I thought it was because he just loved me SO much)
When I was pregnant with our boys - I was on bed rest. All the sudden I COULDN'T go with him. I sent him off with my blessing to go/do whatever he wanted. He went, and went, and went. And I was honestly fine with it. I was kind of thinking it was a "good" thing to get a "last hurrah" thing before he was cut off from the "nights at the bar" thing for a while with two infants.
I remember people being appalled that he was off all the time while I was hole up in bed (or on the couch) with only permission to get up to pee or take a 5 min or less shower.
Nope, not me. I actively encouraged it.
Then there was the kicker. When I was about a week out from our induction date - OW called around midnight with an emotional crisis (OW is the child of (former)friends of ours -- 18 to our 31 at the time) I said - sure! Go help. Oh, but BTW, you know she has a crush on you right? Watch out for that.
When I think about it I actively want to kick my own ass. Not that I think it would have stopped the cheating necessarily- but honestly, why would I think that was ok behavior – period?
Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
I trusted her completely.
She had several male friends.
She had an apartment near her work for the times she worked multiple 12-hour days in a row.
One of her closest friends was/is a male that I went to law school with.
I was sometimes jealous, but rarely.
That changed. I don't believe she really wanted stricter boundaries, I think she really needed them. It's part of the reformation of our relationship that we each have newer rules regarding "friends." Sad, in a big way.
ETA: OM wasn't one of these "friends." He was a MM looking for someone to say "yes."
[This message edited by Didact at 12:09 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
Some women used to chide me for giving him so much freedom, but I didn't want my husband to feel stifled.
I wanted him to be able to pursue his own interests. Of course that prevented me from having too much freedom because I was at home being responsible in caring for the kids and pets and finances.
I blame it on the relationship psychologists who are forever proclaiming that couples need space from each other. Is that really true, or does it just make it easier to cheat?
Also, and to add to the humiliation of it all, my wayward tried to tell the MC that I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS CONTROLLING.
Thank goodness, she wasn't buying it. She looked him in the eyes for a loooooooong time, and then said you were going out three nights a week supposedly with the boys, and two or three times a year on supposed men's only vacations, and you are trying to convince me that she is the one controlling you?
I think that woke him, up. He has never again tried to accuse me of being controlling.
Edited to Add:
Oh, and I never snooped in his email or phone or went through his pockets or anything.
So much for being trusting.
[This message edited by seethelight at 1:39 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]