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How are you 22 months out?

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sri624 posted 6/26/2014 11:22 AM

hi everyone....i have been in a true r for about 22 months since the last dday. the first dday was horrific. i took him back...for all the wrong reasons...and quite frankly he came back worse. after 9 months of false r...dday2. this time, i was different, stronger...and willing to let the m go if he didnt do the work. we separated for 3 months. i took him back 22 months ago. during that time, we have done all the know...the ic, mc, and he completed a substance abuse program. yes, my h is also an addict. so in addition to the cheating, i also learned of the substance abuse issues.

so, it has been a long processed. we have had our ups and down during these 20 months....but he has been committed to doing the work.

so, our present....he seems like a different man. his actions show me that he is committed....doing everything in the HL...i look at him and at times i feel good that he has worked so hard.

as for me....that pain is still there...i am in ic...and i feel as if i do want my m to work...but it still hurts. maybe i am on the 5 year plan.

you see....his betrayal just runs so deep. when everything came out, i had the ow call to tell me all the details...all the personal things they he talked about name it. all our personal business. she was only too happy to do this. and that still haunts me to this day.

the truth is that i pretty much learned that he was a serial cheater, addict, and liar all at the same time...and sometimes it is just a lot to take.

i dont want to live like this forever...feeling that pain. and i know he doesnt either.

we both want this to work..but it is just so hard for me sometimes. i dont talk about it everyday like i used to...i dont know what i mean? i have come a long way....but there is a sadness that always seems to stay with me.

will there come a time when i dont think about him and the other women?

i also feel this horrible sense of betrayal by his dad and brother who knew all about the affairs...and even talked to her. i just cant get past that part either.

i would appreciate any responses...and support. thanks guys.

SI Staff posted 6/26/2014 15:04 PM

Bumping so others can read and respond.

Exhausted in OH posted 6/26/2014 17:16 PM

sri624 - I was thinking of you recently. Your pain was always so palpable, and I am glad to see you in a better place. I honestly doubt that there will be a time where you no longer think about his betrayals, but with time, you will accept it more and more. I'm not there yet, but getting closer. Keep working - it sounds like you are doing great.

sisoon posted 6/26/2014 17:17 PM

For me, IIRC, the big change in my sense of safety came in the 30-36 month timeframe, but my sitch is a lot less complex than yours - no false R, no betrayal by ILs, only one A, especially no substance abuse. I still felt a lot of pain at 22 and 30 months.

I don't know how long it will take you to resolve enough pain, but it makes sense to me that 22 months isn't long enough.

It's good to hear about the changes your H is making, and it's good to hear you're still being true to yourself.

rachelc posted 6/26/2014 17:53 PM

i also feel this horrible sense of betrayal by his dad and brother who knew all about the affairs...and even talked to her. i just cant get past that part either.

this would make it very difficult for me to continue to have a relationship with them. Are they currently in your life?

Are you in IC? Been assessed for PTSD?
I conmpletely understand where you are at. So much pain to deal with. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this.

I went to this therapist once and although we really didn't click, she gave me one good nugget of information that might work for you. She said forgive him for all the work he's done SINCE the affair. Maybe not enough time has passed for either of us. But I will always remember this.

Teach8 posted 6/26/2014 18:12 PM

I'm about at the same point from my last dday. I feel exactly the same!! Just so sad. My H cheated for so long. He is working hard...ic and mc...all that. But I still hurt too. Maybe we are both on the 5 year plan? We have a lot to does take time. (((Sri624)))

hopefull77 posted 6/26/2014 19:54 PM

I will echo sisoon....
I am 19 months out...I think of it every damn day...
and that is with a very remorseful H....
I believe I am on the 2-5 year plan.....and that's ok....
I wish you peace

undonelife posted 6/27/2014 12:45 PM

I think of it every day too. 18 months out. 5 year plan for me I'm certain!

RippedSoul posted 6/27/2014 13:23 PM


I, too, am married to an adulterous addict--one I took back for all the wrong reasons, one who kept up the EA (unknown to me for months), one I love deeply but who could be left now because I am strong enough after much hard work and study and research and therapy and self-help.

The pain IS still there for me, too. I get teary probably every day. Maybe it's a post I read here; maybe it's something sweet that he says; maybe it's something insensitive that he says; maybe it's seeing something on TV or in a movie; maybe it's seeing another person's FB post. Life triggers me. Even moments I don't get teary, I still have a tight throat. Know what I mean by that? I'm sure you've felt it--just don't know the words to describe it. And, honestly, I think some version of that pain will be present forever. Regret for what might have been or for what shouldn't have happened.

Still, I find that I am happy. I feel happy overall. There's a whisper of doubt because my logical mind knows he's an addict who hasn't reached recovery yet. That worry is especially active when he leaves on business, but it's different from my gut. Worry happens; worry is second-guessing myself; worry is stressing about what I should be thinking/doing. My gut, though, has been so quiet lately. And it has NEVER been wrong.

Twice this week, because there's a work conference here in town, I've gone out to dinner with him and with men he works with. Last night, our table was 9 men and me. These men--scientists and engineers--are traveling from all over the country/world and are without their wives. Even so, he's asked me to come and to spend time with him and them. It tells me a lot about where he is right now: he loves me, he's proud of me, he enjoys spending time with me, he thinks I'll like his friends, he thinks they'll like me, we don't have to hire sitters anymore, etc. And it HAS been fun.

But I'm sharing that because of what one man said/saw. During the first get-together, earlier this week, he'd been drinking a lot. There were 25 people in this yard, so I was mingling, making new acquaintances, sharing smiles and glances with my WH, chatting. I hadn't talked with this gentleman until the very end. He made a comment about how my husband must be one of those guys who paid for a photo of a woman to frame and put on his desk, who paid for me to accompany him to company parties and pretend to be his wife. He meant it in a complimentary way to me. I know. But since my SLAWH DID pay for escorts, it stung just a bit.

That man's comments came up, in a pleasant enough manner the next day. His eyes got wide and he was horrified that he'd insinuated that. So at dinner the next night, he apologized as soon as I got there. And he kept watching me the whole night. At the end, he said he didn't get it, but that I absolutely adored my WH (and he, me), I glowed, I looked 10 years younger than my age (he couldn't even imagine I'd hit 40), and he loved my attitude about life.

So my happiness is obvious. It's real. It's hard-won. And I attribute it to several truths/practices: a google search that led me to SI, a determination to learn everything I could about what was happening to me/us, a religion I believe in wholeheartedly, a belief system that encourages repentance/forgiveness/acceptance, a new focus on self since the A surfaced, a therapist who didn't dump me when my insurance company changed and who has been seeing me pro bono, weekly, for 18 months now, a best friend who has stood by my side and supported me.

Does it help that my WH has been trying, too? Absolutely. But in that respect, I left him in the dust from Day 1. This has been MY metamorphosis. I have to life with myself the rest of my life and need to be worthy. Every action I take is with that end result in mind. Will I crumple if my WH falls off the wagon? Likely. For a day or a week or a month or so. But my backbone is (and was) made of steel. I'm strong. I can do it. I can do whatever needs to be done.

Sounds like you're there, too. There's just one more thing missing to get you to that happiness stage. What is it? I don't know. I wish I did. My inkling would be to focus more inwardly, more selfishly on you. Just a bit. Whatever is needed to get there. You owe it to yourself. You'll be your constant companion the rest of your life--whether that includes your fWH or not. Just keep searching and praying and meditating and reading and asking and researching to find ways to increase your joy. Honestly, now that I type that, I think part of it is the realization--through S-Anon attendance--that I can't control him. I control only myself. And I've funneled all that frustrated, pent-up energy (because it'd be nice to be able to "fix" him) into myself. Finally. I should've done it years ago.

You can do this. You've got it. You're past the worst of it and it just looks up from here. (((sri)))

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 1:26 PM, June 27th (Friday)]

sri624 posted 6/27/2014 13:55 PM

thank you all for responding. your comments have really helped a lot.

i am doing the best i can...i guess he is as well. i think a lot of times he is appalled at his behavior...and wishes he could take it all back...but he cant. if only he would have thought of all of this before making this horrible decision. it has truly disrupted the entire family dynamic...including the extended family.

i hope one day, i can wake up in the morning and not have this on my mind....or be able to look at him in a loving way, and not have "what happend" in the back of my mind.

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