I write. It's what I do. Not professionally, just for me. And I save most of what I write. So, recently I have started reading some of the things I have written over the course of my life. I stumbled across a short poem I would like to share.
I wrote this before his A, actually. About a year before. At a time that I could no longer deny how abusive and controlling our relationship had gotten. I remember the night that I wrote this...we had plans that involved picking up my older kids from their father's for the evening, he canceled last minute and refused to let me go get my kids to attend the function without him. Yes, he could forbid me to use his car, his money, everything...I was utterly dependent on him, and what I wanted or thought or felt didn't matter. And so I cried...and I wrote...and while this wasn't originally written about infidelity, the message still applies.
Strength
If only I had the strength to tell you
how I truly feel...
to explain to you
the darkest depths of the damage
you have inflicted upon my exposed soul -
how you savagely ripped from my body
the heart that beat rapidly for you
and crushed it between your hands.
To be privileged enough to illustrate to you
how pain can control a person,
keeping them from enjoying the essence
of everyday life.
If only I had the strength to tell you
how I truly feel...
but strength is not what you want from me,
because control is your only weapon.
That's it...just me purging bits of my past with others who understand, who will not judge. I found my strength...I still struggle, but I see everyday how strong I really am, even when I am feeling my weakest. Perhaps, there is someone out there that needs to "hear" these words, someone who needs to know that they are not alone...perhaps, these words will help someone find their own strength.
((Hugs)) to all that could use one. If you read this and see yourself in it, I encourage you to keep looking to yourself to find your strength and take back control of your own life.
