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Why didn't I tell her the truth?

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Imabrokenman posted 6/26/2014 16:58 PM

It finally blew up today - she found out all my lies. When she first found out about the A, I continued lying and didn't tell her the entire story. I lied during MC. I was hiding, afraid for my marriage. Now it is all out and my marriage is in ruins.

The funny thing is that MC was working. Counselor was focused on me and how I was broken and needed to address my issues before working on the marriage. I was taking what he was saying to heart and really trying to change (as much as you can after just a few sessions). I saw where I needed to be and wanted to get there.

Why didn't I tell her everything? I was still being selfish, thinking I could get out of it. I'm a jerk. She doesn't deserve me.

Now I'm out of the house (we were living separately under the same roof) and I have lost her for good. And without her, my life is empty and meaningless.

I have been reading SI all this time thinking that I should tell her the whole, entire story but never did. I'm a complete idiot.

So I registered today and wrote this to warn others who are doing what I did - come clean. The sooner the better. Before you lose everything.

DrJekyll posted 6/26/2014 17:53 PM

Welcome to SI

After reading SI with my BS, I came clean after 2 months. Don't give up on your BS. But this will be a huge setback. As your R has been false to this point.

And without her, my life is empty and meaningless.

This is part of what got you here in the first place. Either way you have to fix you, I understand you are hurting right now. But you owe it to yourself to fix you, and to become a safe partner for the future. Even if that means not with your BS.

So stick around. We are here for you.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 6/26/2014 18:07 PM

Thank you SO much for reminding everyone that lying or withholding information is NEVER a good idea! Not one good thing comes from it! It only makes the anger worse, once the person lied to, finds out the truth! And NO relationship can EVER survive based on lying or deceit. Prayers and best of luck to you! I really hope things can be restored in your marriage!

Imabrokenman posted 6/26/2014 20:54 PM

Dr J - thanks for your support. At this point in time, I'm holding zero hope for R, but hopefully I can get myself straight. Thanks.

islesguy posted 6/27/2014 06:27 AM

Imabrokenman,

The simple answer is that you lied because you were protecting your own ass. I did this for almost my entire relationship with my wife which is over 20 years all along thinking I was somehow protecting my relationship when in reality I was destroying it and only protecting myself. Trickle truth is a completely selfish act.

If you were making progress in working on yourself, you need to continue even if your relationship is in ruins.

holesinmybucket posted 6/28/2014 09:57 AM

BS here
Thank you so much for this very important truth!! I am very sorry to hear of your situation and hope that you can find the courage to work on yourself. This is so important, because you will not be a safe partner for anyone, until you can face your fear and start making the necessary changes to be a "whole person" with or without your BS.

Honestly, I can see that fear is very powerful and is what leads often to TT and continued lies. This will only serve to keep barriers up between the BS/WS and no real healing can be done. I truly believe that telling the whole truth, breaks down walls, so that the BS and WS can once again see each other with clarity. Holding on to the image and lies only serves as an attempt to control an obvious out of control situation.

IMHO: TT is just as damaging for the WS as it is for the BS. The day my WH detonated the truth bomb, his entire demeanor changed, for the first time in probably 6+ years he had relinquishing his control and he was calm...funny...because, at that moment I was both relieved and devastated, but I survived and so did WH. My WH said "he had never realized the oppression and power he was being overcome by, until he felt the freedom of honesty and letting go of the control."

918Mama posted 6/28/2014 16:59 PM

Hi there,

I'm going to put my BS hat on for a moment and share my experience with you.

My first d day came after 38 hours of torturous misery and basically tricking my WH into thinking I had more info than I did.

My second d day came a few weeks after, and it nearly killed me. He, too, lied in MC.

I was pregnant at the time, I kicked him out and we were in limbo for almost two years. Just recently, I've decided to reconcile with my H. It didn't happen magically, or over night. It has taken a ridiculous amount of blood, sweat and tears. And we still have a long way to go. This is my advice to you...

1. Write a specific timeline. Everything you can remember about your infidelity including dates, places, people. Include anything and everything you can think of including inappropriate contact. I like the quote "if you're not sure if it's cheating, ask your spouse." Anything...texts with women that you've deleted, porn, other EA/PAs you haven't disclosed yet, etc.

2. Once you've written out the exhaustive list (and please, for your wife's sake, do not omit details because you don't want to hurt her. That ship has sailed) let your wife know that you have this timeline and are willing to give it to her if she wants to see it. It might be too painful for her in the short term so let her decide when she's ready.

3. 100% transparency. Hand over access to all email accounts, passwords to phones/apps/etc. if you opened accounts on dating sites, tell her. If you have old messages, make them available IF she wants to see them. No deleting text messages, emails, phone logs, chat logs, etc. he who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.

4. Goes without saying but honesty ties into the transparency. She asks a question, you give the answer. Don't tiptoe around or try to soften the blow. Let her be the judge of how much information she wants but no more lying. Ever.

5. Get into IC. Work on owning your shit. Post here. Take the tough feedback. Do the work and figure out why you allowed yourself to make these choices.

6. Give your wife the space she needs and be willing to do the things she asks that makes her feel safe. GPS on the phone? Check. Sending pictures of where you are at and who you are with? Absolutely. Whatever it takes.

7. Recognize she's been through an awful trauma and will be in shock. She may ask the same questions over and over. Answer them kindly. Remember...you are the one who did this to her. If there's ever a chance of reconciliation in the future, you must be the kind of person she can learn to feel safe with. Yelling, being evasive, getting frustrated...that won't help your chances.

Beyond that, take each day as it comes and try not to think too much about what the future holds. Work on becoming the kind of person you can be proud of. Give her the space to heal and decide what she wants (she may chance her mind 1,000 times. Hang in there). For heavens sake, don't pressure her. If she's going to leave, that's her choice. You've already made yours. Just know that this is a long and winding road. If you work on the things above, that should occupy your time enough where you aren't pressuring her and where you are getting healthier. Hang in there...

ThatGuyNoMore posted 6/29/2014 20:17 PM

Why do we keep secrets? Why do we lie? Why are we selfish? I'm guessing it's because we are afraid to be vulnerable and let people in. If we let them see our true selves, they will hurt us and they won't love us anymore, right? It takes courage to open up, but once you do, the unburdening is palpable. The truth sets you free. If you don't tell the whole truth, you'll go right back to keeping secrets, lying, and possibly cheating again. Telling the whole truth (and keep telling the whole truth) is critical to healing yourself and helping your BS heal. Healing yourself, fixing whatever brokenness that led you down the A path, is what you must do regardless of whether you R or D.

Raspberry posted 6/29/2014 20:53 PM

Thank you for this. I hope my husband eventually comes clean 100000%.

I hope you can work on your marriage.. truth and trust are everything, even if its not what we want to hear.

Good luck to you.

Raspberry posted 6/29/2014 22:29 PM

I just read all the replies...what great information. I only hope to achieve this with my WH. SO much. Thank you for your post and for all the replies. Hugs to all.

sorrowfulmate posted 7/3/2014 13:03 PM

I am dealing with the fallout of this... I should have told the whole truth when I had the chance.

Imabrokenman posted 7/3/2014 13:09 PM

sorrowfulmate -

I know exactly what you are feeling. It is the worst feeling in the world, knowing that you had the opportunity to tell the whole story, but because you were trying to save your own hide you didn't.

I'm dealing with the fallout - she kicked me out of the house, and I am scrambling trying to find a place to live. You never realize how great you have something until it is taken away from you.

And worst of all, now she believes NOTHING I tell her. I have lost that tiny bit of trust I was clinging onto. She also thinks that something is still going on, even though I have NC with the OW at all. She doesn't believe it, and why should she? I didn't tell the complete truth to her, or during MC. She is now refusing to go to MC and has spoken to an attorney about divorce. I dug my own grave.

sorrowfulmate posted 7/3/2014 17:01 PM

I'm in process of the timeline. I kept putting it off. But I promised it to her.

This morning I told her about the rest of the hidden gifts to my affair partners.

Now I'm working out times dates and places the best I can. I told he I am scared that I will forget something. I'm currently answering the questions from not just friends in the story of the affair.

It's going to suck, but it's a hell of a lot better than hiding it.

lostcovenants posted 7/3/2014 17:11 PM

Another BS here,

Agree with what 918Mama
said - every word!!

I thank you for posting this - I just wish my H would read it - AND GET IT - he is still lying and only does the work he is comfortable with.

Good luck to you - remember how you feel RIGHT NOW - don't make this her fault - take this as an opportunity to do the right thing - EVERYTIME - going forward.

Tred posted 7/3/2014 17:38 PM

I'm currently answering the questions from not just friends in the story of the affair.

That's good. Just read what 918Mama wrote and keep it in mind. Be honest, it's not a test. You aren't going for high score or answering to get the expected results. Sometimes it's good to not score what you thought you should. Makes you realize that there is work to be done in that department.

tremblingaspen posted 7/8/2014 15:23 PM

Thank you for posting this. It's been a tough and terrible battle for me too. I know that my BW wants most of all for me to provide a timeline with all of the details that I can provide. I know that I cannot remember them all (dates, places, names of OL partners, etc.), so I have used this as an excuse in my own head to not provide anything. I am beginning to understand that the pain caused by my INACTION on this request/demand is now worse than the A's because it leaves her in limbo and always wondering whether to trust me and believe me. I'm thick headed (and stubborn), but I think I'm beginning to "get it". I just hope and pray its not too late for me (and us).

Today is the 1 year DDay anniversary for us (and my birthday) - not a good day, but hopefully they will get better.

918Mama - thank you for your concise and honest list.

Mercilesslynuked posted 7/8/2014 17:05 PM

Trembling, what you stated here

I am beginning to understand that the pain caused by my INACTION on this request/demand is now worse than the A's because it leaves her in limbo and always wondering whether to trust me and believe me.
is beyond a shadow of a doubt spot on. The thing is, it isn't just the timeline, it is literally every single action you take now. Inaction towards proactively doing ANYTHING. Good on you for realizing how your BS feels, this is a great step!

tryingsodanghard posted 7/9/2014 13:26 PM

Broken man, give it some time. Yeah, you really screwed the pooch, but if there was anything left it's still there. My WW has some good days and bad days, but I love her, and she's sick, and you don't abandon people you love because they're sick, just if they abandon treatment.

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