SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Alright everyone, I could use some advice here.

HT and I work out almost daily at a small CrossFit box. The community is encouraging and because the box is small we all workout together on a pretty regular basis. The owners are people that HT works with and we have hung out with them socially as well.

That being said, there have been a couple of interactions that I have struggled with regarding boundaries. The first occasion was a gentleman that we work out with almost every day. We were passing each other doing a balance move and he grabbed my hand for balance and made some joke. Then he later came over and put his hand on my shoulder when he spoke to me. It made me uncomfortable but it was my birthday that day and I felt he was more or less being friendly because of that. On our way home, HT stated that he had poor boundaries. I acknowledged that and asked him how to handle any further situations. We discussed it and moved on. I haven't had any further issues with him.

The second issue is a bit more complicated. As I said earlier, one if the owners is a coworker of HT's. HT considers him a friend. This morning we were pairing up on the rowing machines and I was last to get over there. As I approached them, this guy says "it's you and me, babe!" Then fist bumps me. It made me uncomfortable but I didn't know what to do. I hop on the rower and start. After I said pretty loud to HT that I wished I was his partner. The guy says something about me not wanting to be his partner and I state that I want to be HT's partner because I love him.

We start heading home and I start talking about how I was struggling with a certain aspect of the workout. I am focused on that and my mood is down. We start eating breakfast and I notice HT's mood has changed too. He tells me about the interaction and when I tell him that I heard it, he becomes angry. And rightfully so, given that he should be the only one calling me "babe". He is upset that he called me that, he is upset that he then has to wonder why, he is upstart that anything I say afterwards sounds like gas lighting, and he upset that he even has to wonder in the first place.

See not once but twice now I have had these instances that have been uncomfortable yet I don't initiate a dialogue with HT about it. I just try to rug sweep it and pretend it didn't happen. Logically I get that this is poor coping skills. Logically I know that the end results are negative (making HT upset), and logically I get that him having to talk to me about first, anything I say afterwards loses impact and sincerity.

But for some reason, I sit there quietly hoping it will all just go away. I know that being proactive would help, but I seem to be having trouble lately. I can't understand why because I know better than that. And so my only logical conclusion is that maybe I am not as healed as I thought I was. And that scares the shit out if me.

I'm not sure if it's that I am regressing back to old coping mechanisms or if I just haven't been in situations that boundaries like that become an issue. I can't control what other people do. I may even be caught of guard and not know what to say in that moment. But I can't believe that I have had so much trouble initiating a conversation about this with HT.

I'm disappointed in myself. I need to figure this out and would love some advice from you all.

Thanks WOES

Do you think that you are flattered by this attention and that makes you uncomfortable?

WOES, you have gained a lot of knowledge and have been a great inspiration to many members here, including me.

The greatest thing that comes with knowledge is having the wisdom to use it.

You know what to do.....think...why do you freeze and not be proactive in discussing these uncomfortable interactions?
Where has this happened before?

First, it is a good sign that you are acknowledging and asking for help and advice.

Second, I have noticed with myself that I tend to screw things up the first time. But you need to discuss with HT. One of the biggest lessons I have learned. Be the first to tell. You always have more credibility by coming forward. It can be scary. He may trigger. It can be uncomfortable. But this is the world we live in. Bring the scenarios to your BS and ask for advice.

Third, there will always be new situations that you have not thought of or have not been in before. So the defense is a good offense. I immediately discuss my affection toward my BS and DC. You will have to build to courage to tell people you do not appreciate them calling you "babe"

Forth, in my opinion since HT was there you should discuss with him that you would feel more comfortable with him as your partner. And that may help to alleviate some of the tension.

I am sure you know all of this. You can do it. And you know what to do.

Not as healed as you thought. It is a day by day forever journey. You will never arrive. Because every day is a new day. And it is the choices that we make that define us. Tomorrow, you get to try again.And another opportunity to make the right call. Learn from your mistakes so that you do not repeat them.

WOES,

Next time someone calls you "Babe" ask them if you remind them of a pig that can herd sheep. You can do it . Because, bacon.

I am a BS, but I have (and always have had ) a hard time telling someone what my boundaries are, even though I've had opportunity to overstep them, but never did! The example would be....If a man called me "babe", I would have a hard time directly telling him not to call me that! However, I will say, with age, that HAS become easier! Maybe in a polite but STERN voice, you could say something like.."That name is reserved for my H only, to call me". If he didn't get the hint, the next time, don't be polite, just STERN! I have learned as a BS, if I feel uncomfortable about a situation, I just flat out bring it up and discuss it now. As a BS, what I would want to hear from my WS in an instance like that would be something like..."Babe, you know I can't control what others say to me, but please know, I love you and only you and I desire You and only you. So whether you are present or not, my reaction to that would be the same, I just don't acknowledge those kinds of remarks". Also, as a BS, I would feel better if my FWH was the one who insisted we were partners (in the exercise). It would make me feel great if he told the person I got paired with that he only wanted to be MY partner and no one else's so he'd appreciate it, if they would trade partners". I know these are uncomfortable situations and not always easy to deal with, sometimes you ARE caught off guard and I do try to allow for this with my FWH. I KNOW it's not easy to change over night how you've always reacted to certain things. I think the most important thing though, is to be HONEST with your BS and let him know, that sometimes you just don't know HOW to react to certain situations and you need his help and suggestions.

WOES, I don't think you are slipping back to old coping mechanisms because you're here seeking advice and support. And you discussed both occasions openly and honestly with BS.

You can't control what other people say to you. You can't prevent that guy calling you Babe for the first time. You have missed your opportunity to prevent it happening again, that's something you need to work on - your reactions to boundary breaches from other people. But you can put an end to it if it happens again. Tred and T2LA gave excellent suggestions. Next time it looks like you have to partner with him, insist you switch so you're with BS.

one thing that has helped me is deciding what I'm going to do BEFORE these things pop up. Then I say to myself, Rachelc, remember we already discussed that and what you're going to do about it.
Also, I think waywards learning to recover need to ACCEPT that they should get comfortable being uncomfortable. Change is painful. It's worth it though.

BS here - I just wanted to add that it's awkward when someone other than your spouse calls you babe/honey/sweetheart, etc. I always wonder if they are just the kind of people that call everyone that, or are they testing the waters to see my reaction?

I admit, I often call men that are my friends 'honey'. I shouldn't, and this thread has made me realize it needs to stop now. I don't mean a thing by it. It's usually 'Aw thanks honey' or something like that. It's never repeated during a conversation, but it does happen.

Thanks for this thread - it's started me on a new path.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

FRM:

Do you think that you are flattered by this attention and that makes you uncomfortable?

I have looked at this from all angles. I really don't think that's it at all. I think it makes me uncomfortable because it's inappropriate and uninvited.

DrJekyll:

Be the first to tell. You always have more credibility by coming forward.

This is exactly the part that I was disappointed in myself over. That's the part that I want to be comfortable with. I get that I can't control other people and people can have poor boundaries. But I want to be able to talk about without HT having to bring it up first.

Tred:
You know that HT is the witty one! I can give a comeback about an hour or two after the moment? Lol.

Trying2LoveAgain:

That name is reserved for my H only, to call me".

Interestingly enough that is almost exactly what HT told me I should have said!

BBT:

that's something you need to work on - your reactions to boundary breaches from other people.

I couldn't agree more. I need to be more assertive with my boundaries.

rachelc:
I think having a plan in place is a great idea. Maybe that will help with the panic factor.

painful past:

I am actually glad you are rethinking the language you use. You never know what calling someone "honey" can trigger in another person. Could be a situation like mine, could be that someone who has caused them pain called them that, or it could be someone trying to find an invitation from you.

This is something I realize I need to be sensitive of. I need to work on healthy solid boundaries in general.

Thanks again.

WOES

Does HT want you to discuss these sort of things with him?

Are you truly comfortable discussing these sort of things with HT?

I consider you a few miles ahead of me on the healing path, and I at the risk of implying that I'm glad you're *struggling* with this, I'm glad you brought this issue up, because yeah, honestly, IDK what to do when I have an interaction with a man, in public, that feels a little inappropriate.

Example yesterday, a dad at DS's tennis lesson. DD sat on my lap, and other dad says, "That looks like a comfortable seat." And it was probably totally innocent, but he kept talking to me, and it felt...a little smarmy. So what does one do in such situations, when confronted with men who appear to have poor boundaries, but circumstances force you to be near them?

I have had these instances that have been uncomfortable yet I don't initiate a dialogue with HT about it

I totally get this because I haven't brought up Tennis Dad to BH because, honestly, 95% chance there was absolutely zero to it and I worry about:

he is upset that he then has to wonder why, he is upset that anything I say afterwards sounds like gas lighting, and he upset that he even has to wonder in the first place.

So is it rugsweeping? IDK.