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timidhope posted 6/26/2014 22:09 PM

My BF said to me today that no matter how good I am to him, he needs to get over this (my betrayal). So much pain surfaced when we talked about my A. We had a lot of progress the last few weeks and he was less visibly pained when we talked bbriefly about my A couple days ago but today I was hurting and he was sad that I felt hurt and it triggered a lot of anger and pain.

Sometimes I feel selfish hanging on to him like this...and then I'm scared this truly is a deal breaker for him.

BrokenButTrying posted 6/27/2014 04:58 AM

Hi timid,

It is scary and awful to see your BF in so much pain.

You have to let go of the outcome of your relationship. I know that's hard to do, I struggled with it enormously. If it is a deal breaker for him then that's his choice. You have to keep working on yourself and healing for YOU not just so you can save your relationship.

I really hope it isn't a dealbreaker, I'm so sorry you're hurting.

timidhope posted 6/27/2014 18:59 PM

I'm definitely working on healing myself for myself. Thanks for the encouragement, BBT, really appreciate it.

BrokenButTrying posted 6/28/2014 03:21 AM

No problem

Your BF is about two months out, right? He's still in crisis. My H is a little over six months out and is just (and I really mean JUST, like the tinest, tiniest bit) beginning to find his feet.

He will have days when absolutely nothing makes him feel better. Nothing you say or do can help him have any hope for your relationship. He is helpless, hopeless, angry, hurt and everything inbetween.

All you can do is listen, support him. Show him how hard you're working on yourself, be absolutely consistent and never give up. You fight for your relationship by working on yourself.

It's enormously tough. Hang in there and keep posting here.

DrJekyll posted 6/28/2014 08:36 AM

Sometimes I feel selfish hanging on to him like this...and then I'm scared this truly is a deal breaker for him.

I totally get this. This is a thought I have had many times over the last 6 months. When I feel this way, I discuss it with my BS. And frankly it is selfish, but that is not always a bad thing. Here are some of my "AH Ha's" I have to be selfish in my own healing, I cannot let anything get in the way of that. I need to be selfish about my families healing, and I cannot let anything (including myself) get in the way of that. I need to be selfish about my feelings. And keep them to myself and my BS and DC. So there are some times when feeling selfish is ok.

The deal breaker part. That has to be an acceptance. If you stay worried about you may cause it to happen. For myself, I had let so many of my fears run me that I started bringing them to reality. It normal to have fear. But for myself, I had to decide how to react to that fear. In this instance in particular. I have to accept it is a possibility, but not allow it to influence me negatively. I know I have done horrible things, And for that it should be a deal breaker. So everyday my BS stays is a gift. So it is what I do with that gift, that makes a difference now. If in the end it is a deal breaker. I know that I will be able to move forward knowing that I did my best from dday forward, but I also know that my BS will have done her best.

It took my BS 6 months to decide that she would work on R. At 2 months out, is when our 2nd dday happened. not another A just full disclosure. One of the drawbacks of the A betrayal, is the lies and deceit. My MC describes this as a pendulum swinging from the love to the pain. Eventually the pendulum loses momentum and comes to a balance. It is a long process.

timidhope posted 6/29/2014 21:42 PM

be absolutely consistent

Great reminder!

So everyday my BS stays is a gift. So it is what I do with that gift, that makes a difference now.

Great perspective, DrJekyll. I'm thoroughly humbled and amazed he has the strength to try to work through this.

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