Sometimes I feel selfish hanging on to him like this...and then I'm scared this truly is a deal breaker for him.
I totally get this. This is a thought I have had many times over the last 6 months. When I feel this way, I discuss it with my BS. And frankly it is selfish, but that is not always a bad thing. Here are some of my "AH Ha's" I have to be selfish in my own healing, I cannot let anything get in the way of that. I need to be selfish about my families healing, and I cannot let anything (including myself) get in the way of that. I need to be selfish about my feelings. And keep them to myself and my BS and DC. So there are some times when feeling selfish is ok.
The deal breaker part. That has to be an acceptance. If you stay worried about you may cause it to happen. For myself, I had let so many of my fears run me that I started bringing them to reality. It normal to have fear. But for myself, I had to decide how to react to that fear. In this instance in particular. I have to accept it is a possibility, but not allow it to influence me negatively. I know I have done horrible things, And for that it should be a deal breaker. So everyday my BS stays is a gift. So it is what I do with that gift, that makes a difference now. If in the end it is a deal breaker. I know that I will be able to move forward knowing that I did my best from dday forward, but I also know that my BS will have done her best.
It took my BS 6 months to decide that she would work on R. At 2 months out, is when our 2nd dday happened. not another A just full disclosure. One of the drawbacks of the A betrayal, is the lies and deceit. My MC describes this as a pendulum swinging from the love to the pain. Eventually the pendulum loses momentum and comes to a balance. It is a long process. I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
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