Second: This was not a mistake - this was 4 years of calculated betrayal. You can read as many books as you want but at the end of the day he did this because he wanted to and could. You and your children may not have been completely irrelevant, but in his eyes his girlfriend was worth the risk.
He just says he did it for the excitment, but after 4 years the excitment of a new relationship would have been gone.
I'd tell him that's too damned bad, sorry to hear it. Hope he likes his new life in his bachelor apartment.
These two aren't done yet. Just because they found out playing house wasn't all it was cracked up to be, they still meant enough to each other for him to leave you and the kids, so don't let him try to tell you he's no longer in contact with her, because he is.
You know what? He showed you who he REALLY is. Believe him.
All the sugary platitudes and lame onslaught of texts don't CHANGE that. You now know what he is.
Sucks to be here, I feel your pain.
Four years is a pretty bloody long time and it will take a long, long time to get over it. But you can. Are you in IC? You should get yourself some professional support because you've got a lot of dark days ahead of you still and you'll need it.
Will your husband agree to IC or MC (individual counselling/marriage counselling) In order for you to trust him again he's got to do some work to figure his shit out for himself.
Buckle yourself in, you've got a bumpy journey ahead.
Good luck and keep us posted.
You've been hit by a bus so give yourself time to get used to the shock and don't look for the "why". The short answer is that he did not respect you or your marriage.
It has only been six weeks of you knowing compared to their 4 year affair.
You do not have to decide anything today or tomorrow. Take it one day at a time and work on you.
You and your children are what matter right now.
It's understandable that you are hurt and confused. We have all been there. (((hugs)))
He is very committed to winning me back at this point
Is he? Or is he trying to manipulate you? If you WH wants to back in your life you have the power to define what that looks like. Flowers die. He needs to do some of the hard work of taking accountability and owning his choices.
1. NC with the OW. NC letter sent.
2. IC for himself to understand how he could have compartmentalized his life for so long. How he could lie, deceive and cheat. Yes, he needs to figure this out. It wasn't just for the excitement.
He doesn't want to go? Too bad! You didn't want to be married to a person that could have a four year affair.
If IC is one of your stipulations to even consider R then he needs to do it anyway. Make this a deal breaker because yes, he is in denial right now and he is rug sweeping. He doesn't want to own his behavior and that is never a good recipe for a successful R.
3. Facing your children and being remorseful for the pain he has caused their mother and them.
If he is not willing to do those things for you, I wouldn't even consider getting back with him ever.
Sounds as if he is pretty pompous right now. You can't trust him because he hasn't given you any reason to.
Tread lightly. He is a liar, a cheater and a manipulator. He is not acting remorseful.
Look up the difference between remorse and regret.
Head up to the Healing Library and read, read and read.
Stay strong and know we are here.
Good luck.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:36 PM, June 27th (Friday)]
"First the fall, and then the recovery from the fall, and both are the mercy of God." —Julian of Norwich
You should probably get yourself some counseling soon. Go to a few different ones so you get the right fit. You did good by not allowing him to come home right now. He needs to feel what he had done. Right now it sounds like he's a really selfish man. You may even think of filing for divorce, getting your finances in order, and preparing for the worst. I'm not saying that is going to happen but better to be prepared than not. The only thing bad about living outside the home is that this will allow him more freedom to keep hurting you. I find it odd that he "accepts" your demand for him to be outside the home looking in unless he plans to continue his cake eating. I don't mean to sound harsh but he used you as his back up plan. Your were option B if things didn't work out with this other woman. We've all been an option B here so don't feel bad!
If you file for divorce depending on what state you're in you can leave it pending. Filing doesn't mean you have to go to through with it.This will put him on notice and show that you are not going to tolerate this type of behavior. Since he was willing to abandon you and the kids this shows you how messed up in the head he really is. He's going to need to be willing to go to counseling and do the work toward reconciliation.Protect yourself, learn what your rights are,and go from there. I wish you the best of luck and a speedy recovery. As I said before this is the best support group in the world. Keep posting and take what sound advice you receive and use it. We have 40,000 plus people here and the vast majority have been sitting right where you are now.
[This message edited by Uhtred at 9:41 AM, June 28th (Saturday)]
There was a comment about him sending a NC letter. Is there somewhere I can find out more about this no contact letter? I feel that this really needs to be sent but not sure what should be put in it.
Wishing the pain would just go away and I could get on with my life with or without him, but I know this is going to take a very long time. Hating almost every minute of my life right now.
If you decide to reconcile let him move back to the family home afterhe has apologized to the children for betraying them as well as you. Of course, he may have already done this.
If you wait 5 years there will be nothing left to reconcile with; he will have moved on and found someone else. You need to make a decision soon or it simply will not matter.
"Adulterating Partner,
I love my wife, and am committed to make my marriage work. I will no longer make any contact with you, and wish for you to do the same. Any contact in the future will be viewed as harassment, and acted upon accordingly.
Cheating Husband" There are no mushy words of love, lost dreams, destiny, or any other bullshit fantasy words. The affair was nothing but dirty and cheap, and needs to be disposed of like the trash that it is.
I echo the others' sentiments about your husbands actions. His words mean nothing, and his flowers and gifts mean nothing(as a matter of fact, I would bet that he used flowers and gifts on his cheating partner). If he isn't WILLING and WANTING to find out how his mind could become so corrupted that he left his wife and children, then I wouldn't go near him with a 10 foot restraining order. He is a powder keg right now, as he hasn't learned squat about his betrayals.
I would definitely consult a lawyer. And I would definitely contemplate divorce for a few reasons:
--You do not want him back in the house for a long period of time
--He would be legally bound to stay financially committed for a determined length of time
--It will untangle current legal affairs, and the two of you could start "fresh" and "independent"
--It will show if he is committed to the long haul
Just my two cents. But IC is a must---and he has to WANT to do it. Otherwise, what has been learned through all your trauma?
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett D-Day(s): Plenty Accepting that I can may end this marriage 7/2/14 Heading for D
You say that 5 years is just too long to wait. If he is committed to me and his family, is this really too long. He was with her for four years. Is showing the same time commitment to us asking such a bad thing? I just think that if he can stay committed to her for 4 years without living with her, only seeing her once in awhile he should be able to do the same thing for us. Part of me thinks if he is not willing to wait this long, then it is better that we don't get back together. My plan would be that we start dating in 1-2 years, but he does not move back into the family home until after my children have left. That way if it does not work, he will not be hurting the children again by leaving. He has devastated my children and I can not allow this to happen again.
I know right now is not the best time to make a plan as everything is raw and new, but I do not know what else to do. I feel he has to show his commitment to me and his children and he can only do this by taking time. Plus we separated for a year last year. After a week of separation he was begging me to come home. (I didn't know he was having an affair at the same time) It took me a year to allow him to move back in and still within 5 months he went back to her. I need time to make sure that he will not go back to her. I don't trust that he wont no matter how much he states he will die before going back to her.
I am thankful for your thoughts, I am just not sure if 6 months is enough time for me to heal and for him to prove he is not going back to her. I do not want him to do this to me and my children again. I am terrified. And most people both on here and off are telling me not to go back at all because he will do it again. I don't think I am strong enough not to go back, but I need some time to ensure it won't happen again.
He is planning to go to a psychiatrist, but I think I will also tell him he needs to go to an IC, we don't really have the money for this, but it sounds like this is a must and I agree. He needs to find out the reasons for the betrayal and his needs behind it.
Arora
I wish all the pain, anger and confusion would just go away.
If you cannot assure him that you will attempt reconciliation within the next year, then I think its better to divorce so both of you can move on with your lives. It doesn't sound as if there is much love left as a foundation of a 'new' marriage, or you would not be able to tolerate 5 years apart.
