"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Arora4412 posted 6/26/2014 23:01 PM

Hello, On May 16th my husband of 22 years told me he was having an affair that lasted 4 years. We have been together for 27 years. It was with the same woman, and he has since ended it. Two weeks before this he had moved out of the house to be with her. After two weeks he stated he no longer wants to be with her as it was too difficult and he no longer loves her. (I don't beleive this)
He is very committed to winning me back at this point. Texts me constantly, shows me his phone, buys me flowers and things, and sees me every chance he gets.
I have done some reading about his need to know why he did it and to get help with the reason, otherwise he will do it again. He just says he did it for the excitment, but after 4 years the excitment of a new relationship would have been gone. I don't think he knows why he did it, or he is not willing to look at it. He tries to claim there was nothing wrong with our relationship at the time.
I really do not know what to think. I have told him I will not allow him back in the home until after our children have moved out, 5 years. He says he accepts this. The reason for this is he hurt my children terribly, by leaving us for the other women. I will not allow him to do this to them again.
My biggest problem is that I still love him and I want him in my life, but I don't trust him and I am terrified that he will either go back to her or go to someone else. I know that now is not the time to decide to take him back or not as this is way to fresh, but I am still leaning towards being with him and this scares me. Can you ever trust a cheater, especailly one who did it for 4 years? I am really lost and hurting. At times my pain is overwhelming.
Sorry that my post is kind of rambeling, just needing to get everything out.

ZedLeppelin posted 6/26/2014 23:44 PM

Sorry you are here.
Firstly:
1. Get tested for STDs. Make sure you look after yourself.
2. See a lawyer to find out what your options are.
3. If the other woman has a boyfriend/husband expose her to her partner.
4. If you need support from friends and family then go do it. You should not be 'shamed' into suffering in silence.

Second:
This was not a mistake - this was 4 years of calculated betrayal. You can read as many books as you want but at the end of the day he did this because he wanted to and could. You and your children may not have been completely irrelevant, but in his eyes his girlfriend was worth the risk.

He just says he did it for the excitment, but after 4 years the excitment of a new relationship would have been gone.

So he stopped the affair because it started getting boring, not because he realized he was being a colossal wanker?

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/27/2014 07:32 AM

So these two cheaters thought it would be Shangri-la to play house, he left you to move in with her, and within 2 weeks they found it wasn't quite the fantasy they thought it had been for the last 4 years?

I'd tell him that's too damned bad, sorry to hear it. Hope he likes his new life in his bachelor apartment.

These two aren't done yet. Just because they found out playing house wasn't all it was cracked up to be, they still meant enough to each other for him to leave you and the kids, so don't let him try to tell you he's no longer in contact with her, because he is.

You know what? He showed you who he REALLY is. Believe him.

All the sugary platitudes and lame onslaught of texts don't CHANGE that. You now know what he is.

norabird posted 6/27/2014 09:52 AM

You are right that your WH needs to dig deep into his why and right to not buy into his hoovering until he does so. Wooing you back with over-the-top gestures is easy -- working to prove he is trustworthy is hard. Wait until you see the latter. It IS possible to rebuild but your WH has to be willing to commit to repairing the selfish damage he has done to you and to his family.

BrokenheartedUK posted 6/27/2014 11:15 AM

(((((((((Arora4412)))))))))))

Sucks to be here, I feel your pain.

Four years is a pretty bloody long time and it will take a long, long time to get over it. But you can. Are you in IC? You should get yourself some professional support because you've got a lot of dark days ahead of you still and you'll need it.

Will your husband agree to IC or MC (individual counselling/marriage counselling) In order for you to trust him again he's got to do some work to figure his shit out for himself.

Buckle yourself in, you've got a bumpy journey ahead.

Good luck and keep us posted.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/27/2014 15:01 PM

I'm sorry you're here but you will find a lot of support. You don't have to decide anything about the future today. or tomorrow. or until YOU are ready. As others have said, you need to take care of yourself: get an appointment with an attorney to find out your legal position and get yourself tested for STIs. Find a therapist who can help you navigate the ten million feelings you're going to have every ten minutes. Eat what you can, drink lots of water, and try to get a little exercise.

You've been hit by a bus so give yourself time to get used to the shock and don't look for the "why". The short answer is that he did not respect you or your marriage.

1Faith posted 6/27/2014 15:24 PM

This is all really new and raw for you.

It has only been six weeks of you knowing compared to their 4 year affair.

You do not have to decide anything today or tomorrow. Take it one day at a time and work on you.

You and your children are what matter right now.

It's understandable that you are hurt and confused. We have all been there. (((hugs)))

He is very committed to winning me back at this point

Is he? Or is he trying to manipulate you? If you WH wants to back in your life you have the power to define what that looks like. Flowers die. He needs to do some of the hard work of taking accountability and owning his choices.

1. NC with the OW. NC letter sent.

2. IC for himself to understand how he could have compartmentalized his life for so long. How he could lie, deceive and cheat. Yes, he needs to figure this out. It wasn't just for the excitement.

He doesn't want to go? Too bad! You didn't want to be married to a person that could have a four year affair.

If IC is one of your stipulations to even consider R then he needs to do it anyway. Make this a deal breaker because yes, he is in denial right now and he is rug sweeping. He doesn't want to own his behavior and that is never a good recipe for a successful R.

3. Facing your children and being remorseful for the pain he has caused their mother and them.

If he is not willing to do those things for you, I wouldn't even consider getting back with him ever.

Sounds as if he is pretty pompous right now. You can't trust him because he hasn't given you any reason to.

Tread lightly. He is a liar, a cheater and a manipulator. He is not acting remorseful.

Look up the difference between remorse and regret.

Head up to the Healing Library and read, read and read.

Stay strong and know we are here.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:36 PM, June 27th (Friday)]

hopefull77 posted 6/27/2014 17:14 PM

Sorry you had to find this site but it is a safe place to vent and be heard....
My H had a 2 year A ....
Go check out the LTA thread under I Can Relate section lots of wise people there....
in my case the OW got thrown under the bus on dday and he never looked back...although she tried yo contact him by email and phone a few times and the actually showed up at his office about 5 months after dday....she divorced her H in the middle of the affair....she felt pretty invested in her relationship with my H....oh well I say....
when the A is exposed to the light of day reality steps in pretty quick...
IC is invaluable ...we each had our own...its time to roll up your sleeves and get to work....and it is hard work....no matter the outcome...
I wish you peace

Uhtred posted 6/28/2014 09:23 AM

I'm sorry for your pain but am glad you landed here. The advice you'll get from others who have been right there in your shoes is incredible. I think every counselor in the world should cruise these forums and see what people really think and feel.

You should probably get yourself some counseling soon. Go to a few different ones so you get the right fit. You did good by not allowing him to come home right now. He needs to feel what he had done. Right now it sounds like he's a really selfish man. You may even think of filing for divorce, getting your finances in order, and preparing for the worst. I'm not saying that is going to happen but better to be prepared than not. The only thing bad about living outside the home is that this will allow him more freedom to keep hurting you. I find it odd that he "accepts" your demand for him to be outside the home looking in unless he plans to continue his cake eating. I don't mean to sound harsh but he used you as his back up plan. Your were option B if things didn't work out with this other woman. We've all been an option B here so don't feel bad!

If you file for divorce depending on what state you're in you can leave it pending. Filing doesn't mean you have to go to through with it.This will put him on notice and show that you are not going to tolerate this type of behavior. Since he was willing to abandon you and the kids this shows you how messed up in the head he really is. He's going to need to be willing to go to counseling and do the work toward reconciliation.Protect yourself, learn what your rights are,and go from there. I wish you the best of luck and a speedy recovery. As I said before this is the best support group in the world. Keep posting and take what sound advice you receive and use it. We have 40,000 plus people here and the vast majority have been sitting right where you are now.

[This message edited by Uhtred at 9:41 AM, June 28th (Saturday)]

Arora4412 posted 6/28/2014 19:46 PM

Thank you all for your responses. This is incredibly difficult. One moment I am ok and the next I am a angry ball of fury. I am not an angry person so this is hard.

There was a comment about him sending a NC letter. Is there somewhere I can find out more about this no contact letter? I feel that this really needs to be sent but not sure what should be put in it.

Wishing the pain would just go away and I could get on with my life with or without him, but I know this is going to take a very long time. Hating almost every minute of my life right now.

OK now posted 6/29/2014 09:15 AM

I think 5 years is just too long for you to be separated. I would wait 6 months then make a decision as to whether you are going to reconcile or not.

If you decide to reconcile let him move back to the family home afterhe has apologized to the children for betraying them as well as you. Of course, he may have already done this.

If you wait 5 years there will be nothing left to reconcile with; he will have moved on and found someone else. You need to make a decision soon or it simply will not matter.

jb3199 posted 6/29/2014 09:26 AM

A No Contact letter is supposed to be emotionless and to the point. For example:

"Adulterating Partner,

I love my wife, and am committed to make my marriage work. I will no longer make any contact with you, and wish for you to do the same. Any contact in the future will be viewed as harassment, and acted upon accordingly.

Cheating Husband"

There are no mushy words of love, lost dreams, destiny, or any other bullshit fantasy words. The affair was nothing but dirty and cheap, and needs to be disposed of like the trash that it is.

I echo the others' sentiments about your husbands actions. His words mean nothing, and his flowers and gifts mean nothing(as a matter of fact, I would bet that he used flowers and gifts on his cheating partner). If he isn't WILLING and WANTING to find out how his mind could become so corrupted that he left his wife and children, then I wouldn't go near him with a 10 foot restraining order. He is a powder keg right now, as he hasn't learned squat about his betrayals.

I would definitely consult a lawyer. And I would definitely contemplate divorce for a few reasons:

--You do not want him back in the house for a long period of time

--He would be legally bound to stay financially committed for a determined length of time

--It will untangle current legal affairs, and the two of you could start "fresh" and "independent"

--It will show if he is committed to the long haul

Just my two cents. But IC is a must---and he has to WANT to do it. Otherwise, what has been learned through all your trauma?

Arora4412 posted 6/29/2014 12:13 PM

reply to comment that 5 years is too long to wait:

You say that 5 years is just too long to wait. If he is committed to me and his family, is this really too long. He was with her for four years. Is showing the same time commitment to us asking such a bad thing? I just think that if he can stay committed to her for 4 years without living with her, only seeing her once in awhile he should be able to do the same thing for us. Part of me thinks if he is not willing to wait this long, then it is better that we don't get back together. My plan would be that we start dating in 1-2 years, but he does not move back into the family home until after my children have left. That way if it does not work, he will not be hurting the children again by leaving. He has devastated my children and I can not allow this to happen again.

I know right now is not the best time to make a plan as everything is raw and new, but I do not know what else to do. I feel he has to show his commitment to me and his children and he can only do this by taking time. Plus we separated for a year last year. After a week of separation he was begging me to come home. (I didn't know he was having an affair at the same time) It took me a year to allow him to move back in and still within 5 months he went back to her. I need time to make sure that he will not go back to her. I don't trust that he wont no matter how much he states he will die before going back to her.

I am thankful for your thoughts, I am just not sure if 6 months is enough time for me to heal and for him to prove he is not going back to her. I do not want him to do this to me and my children again. I am terrified. And most people both on here and off are telling me not to go back at all because he will do it again. I don't think I am strong enough not to go back, but I need some time to ensure it won't happen again.

He is planning to go to a psychiatrist, but I think I will also tell him he needs to go to an IC, we don't really have the money for this, but it sounds like this is a must and I agree. He needs to find out the reasons for the betrayal and his needs behind it.

Arora

Arora4412 posted 6/29/2014 17:38 PM

Thank you for the NC letter. I have sent it to my ex and stated he must do this as well as IC. I am hoping to contact someone next week about my own IC as I have so much pain and anger and I am so confused.

I wish all the pain, anger and confusion would just go away.

OK now posted 6/30/2014 13:24 PM

You make a valid point about the fairness of your POV; that he should be prepared to wait 5 years considering he was in an affair for 4 years. Realistically however he will seek out other partners during the 5 year separation as an antidote to loneliness and sexual frustration. He is not deeply committed to his marriage or he would not have had this LTA in the first place, so the chance of your relationship being intact in 2019 is vanishingly small.

If you cannot assure him that you will attempt reconciliation within the next year, then I think its better to divorce so both of you can move on with your lives. It doesn't sound as if there is much love left as a foundation of a 'new' marriage, or you would not be able to tolerate 5 years apart.