SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is anyone in this forum still in their affair?

Has anyone ended it and then gone back to their affair after a short time?

Why am I asking? I wonder if I'm the only one in my position. It seems that I need step by step instructions on how to stop it. Not "you must end it now!" and "Initiate NC immediately". MUCH easier said than done!

Apparently I am some kind of brain-dead idiot that cannot think for herself & make the first step. What can I say to make him believe me? I have a feeling he will not take "no" for an answer. He wants us to live happily ever after. Or go down in flames trying.

You don't have to make him believe you, you have to end it by telling him that it's over and then go hard NC. Change your numbers, email, etc., if you have to.

It's really not about convincing him, it's about being firm in your commitment to ending it. Are you?

Does your BS know about your A? Are you in IC?

BWT:

I am a BS.

My H was pretty clear that he couldn't have ended the affair without telling me. He needed my help. Now, he didn't just up and find the strength to confess one day, he thought I had found out (on very sketchy evidence) and confessed. It was the most devastating day of my life, but he was trapped, and it was only the two of us working together that got him out. I think this is true for a lot of people. If affairs were easy to get out of, no one would continue them. But, telling your BS would stick a pin in that balloon, and deflate it a good deal.

If this isn't an option for you yet, what other kinds of support can you get? A pastor? A therapist? A trusted friend or family member? Getting out of an affair is like kicking drugs -- but you can't stay in there and hope things will get better. They will only get worse.

And trust me, your AP will not like having his emotional fix taken away, but this is no more "real" for him than you - regardless of what he thinks. While it feels like love & connection, and maybe has felt like a safe haven for you in some ways, it is really like a poison.

We all just want to keep you from hurting yourself, and your BS, further. You are not an idiot, you are trapped in one of the oldest traps of humankind. You can find the strength to do this - I know you can.

Hang in there.

It's really not about convincing him, it's about being firm in your commitment to ending it. Are you?

Does your BS know about your A? Are you in IC?

I have not made the attempt yet, but I know he is going to resist, and resist hard. That's why I need to be very definitive in what I say.

No, my BS does not know. I am not in any type of counseling.

And trust me, your AP will not like having his emotional fix taken away, but this is no more "real" for him than you - regardless of what he thinks. While it feels like love & connection, and maybe has felt like a safe haven for you in some ways, it is really like a poison.

Thank you bionicgal, I appreciate your input & your thoughtful response. The part I copied above is what I'm struggling with. I guess he is addicted as I am.

Hi BWTX,

Oh boy. Umm yeah I was in this position a little under a year ago.

I had a three week PA while my BH was out the country with work. I had a fog lifting 'what the fuck am I doing moment' and ended the PA. AP was 'in love' with me and he spent the next four months trying to convince me to leave my BH. I didn't want to leave but I also didn't know how to end things with the AP. My boundaries were non existent, I had NO coping mechanisms. Every time I tried to end it and go NC, AP would blow up my phone, calling constantly, threatening to expose the A, threatening to kill himself or hurt me. So I gave in and kept talking to him. He was a male bunny boiler because I allowed him to be and I was scared, selfish and completely spineless.

Eventually BH came home and I tried to get on with my life but AP wouldn't leave me alone. I stopped responding to him so much and then eventually said 'no more'. This tipped him over the edge and he threatened to hurt my kids if I didn't leave my BH for him. It was at that point I confessed to BH and called the police on AP.

My point is, you don't have to make AP believe you. You don't have to convince him it's the right thing. Don't get hung up on what he thinks, what he needs, what he'll do. All that matters is what you want. If you want to end the A then do it. Enforce that boundary.

Change your phone numbers, email, everything. Make sure he can't contact you. Go NC and mean it. If your BS doesn't know about the A or does and thinks it's over then come clean about what's been going on. Be a united front at sending a clear message to the AP. The you can start working through the wreckage of your M.

It's going to be hard but you can do it and SI is here to support you.

Just trying to be clear here.

you have not tried to stop the A, but think that you can't. You have not told your AP NC, but think he will react badly. You have not told your BS.

What this really sounds like to me is:

I don't want to break it off with my AP, because I think my AP will tell my BS. And I do not want my BS to know.

A big thing I learned throughout this is Accountability. If you tell your BS, he will help with the NC part. Regardless of how the AP acts. Then you will not be doing this alone.

I may be reading too much into this, but its JMHO

NC is hard. It's uncomfortable. But being uncomfortable won't kill you. You have to learn to ride-out the discomfort.

Having an accountability partner or mentor helps. Maybe enlist the help of a trusting girlfriend.

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 1:00 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

I cut things off with AP#2 lots of times. But I tried to be nice and still respond to her. I thought I was being as cold and distant as possible,and she would eventually give up.

That didn't happen. She was always there. It wasn't until I got caught and came clean that I went totally NC. It was two emails that both said I love my BW, I want to save my M, I will not talk to you again, and do not try to contact me. AP#2 responded to that with something like "So I'm not even allowed to talk to you?" and I sent her the same Email again.

I blocked both AP's on my phone, I quit facebook, I stopped listening to the same radio stations that we used to listen to. I don't run races where I think AP will be there. It is a deliberate, all encompassing effort to make sure there is NC.

I have to admit that the motivation behind me keeping NC was a completely unholy terror that I would lose my NW and family, friends, job, and everything else I have. It was easier for me to keep NC when faced with that clear alternative.

This last point may be the real issue. I kept NC because I was ready to go NC. I was disgusted with myself, and I 100% realized it was AP or my BW and family. I had no doubt in my mind. If you are at that point, you'll do whatever you have to.

I'm guessing the people still in their affairs are mostly lurking. I'm not, but it was hard for me to break things off too. Here's what I did.

1) I joined SI and read ever last story on the I Just Found Out forum. Pretended it was my BH writing them. I tore myself up with thoes reality checks.

2) I told AP I needed a 2 week break. Basically it was a trial break up. To see if I could survive. I did.

3) I wrote down what I wanted out of life - A loving, happy marriage. At that point I wasn't sure with who. But having an A wasn't a meaningful way towards a happy marriage with AP. And the real kicker was I knew I still loved my H.

4) I had a real conversation with AP. Not a "let's dream about our make believe future", but a "let's really plan what we're doing here" He wasn't any more sure about leaving his W than I was about leaving my H. It made me realize even if we cared about each other at the end of the day we were both just dirty, rotten cheaters.

5) I told him if he loved me, if he ever cared about me, he'd let me go. He'd stop contacting me. He'd give me a chance at a happy life instead of being torn in two. And I promised if I ended my M, I'd let him know. He agreed.

6) I deleted all his emails, I took our songs off my playlists. I exercised, I cried, I suffered, I read more on SI and low and behold I survived.

7) I went to IC. She gave me new homework every week. Something new to focus on. She also held me accountable for not contacting AP

That's it! I know just do it sounds impossible, but that's really all the advice you need. Dig deep to find the person inside of you that you want to be. Pretend to be a good person who makes good decisions. One day down the road you'll actually be that good person again.

[This message edited by familyfirst at 9:23 AM, June 27th (Friday)]

It seems that I need step by step instructions on how to stop it.

Here are a few step by step guidelines:

http://www.goasksuzie.com/how-to-end-the-affair.htm#.U612C-ZOXDC

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/17/how-to-close-the-door-after-an-affair/

http://www.familyandlifesolutions.com/marriage-blog/2013/7/9/how-to-fall-out-of-love-with-the-affair-partner-pt-1.html

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 12:59 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

I wasn't one of those that went back, but you've gotten some great advice from your posts.

It seems that you know what your doing is wrong and your trying to talk yourself into it. But the other half of you loves the attention and won't let go.

Your H cheated on you and here you are cheating on him. Do you remember the pain? Do you remember your H 'reasons' for having A's? Do you remember the pain you felt?

You do know that this A isn't real life, that it is all fantasy. Everything he tells you to make you feel special is just to f*ck you. If it wasn't you it would be someone else.

Is he married? If so, why hasn't he left his wife yet? Why don't you contact her and see if he drops you like a hot potato?

Have you attempted to end things? Not by saying 'we shouldn't do this' but by telling him how much you love your husband and that you will no longer answer the phone or his emails.

Nothing anyone on SI says will help you - you have to end it because YOU want to. And I don't think you do...