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180? Need more from him...

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Blanket posted 6/27/2014 04:26 AM

So I found out five weeks ago that my husband had an affair with someone half our age. He says it was nothing and he didn't love her (despite me finding a text to her that said he did) he said he had a crisis instigated by finding out his dad had an affair which he says he has overcome. He has NC to my knowledge with OW but upon me discovering the affair it wasn't the instant begging for forgiveness that I had hoped for . Initially he justified his behaviour by saying how unhappy he was and that he didn't think if he loved me he would have had an affair. I moved back in (we had been separated but still seeing each other) and we had a hard couple if weeks with one day him telling me he loved and then the next he didn't know what he wanted. We then reached what I thought was a turning point when he said he was committed to the marriage and realised how much he loved me. When I asked how he knew this he said 'it just felt like the right thing to do'.
Anyway things were good for a couple of weeks and we have been seeing a therapist. We has some loving conversations and he went away for a few days and was in touch with me constantly telling me how much he loved and missed me. On his return I think we were both expecting some sort of fireworks and a big 'this is the beginning of the rest of our lives' tule reunion but in fact it was rather an anticlimax. He has been back two dats and we have barely talked the text messages have dropped off and the 'I love you'd' only instigated by me. I don't feel I'm getting the reassurances I need to feel secure but he doesn't allow me to talk if I ask anything the subject is swiftly changed to something random like the weather! I try not to rock the boat but I need to know where he's at and I know if I ask he will just say everything is fine as that is what he always says!! I don't want to spoil the weekend but I feel fit to burst ! Should I start 180? Or will this make it worse? Is it normal for him to have doubts or does he just not care or love me enough to give me what I need to feel secure?

sisoon posted 6/27/2014 06:55 AM

This close to D-day, you're both probably in shock and aren't thinking clearly about your M. It would be good for R if he had woken up on D-day and immediately started doing R work consistently, but R can happen even though your H is disoriented.

Forget what he wants for a while.

Start with yourself and what you want and need. Do you really want to R with this guy?

NC is a pretty low bar to jump over. It's necessary for R but not sufficient. Normally successful R requires the WS to answer all questions, to stop lying forever, to be transparent forever, to do IC with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner, to do MC when appropriate, etc., etc.

Is your H willing to meet those requirements? If not, the 180 is your friend. If he is willing to do that work, R is a possibility - but you need to keep connecting with each other in R, and the 180 is about detaching - if you're in R, the 180 is not for you.

KatieG posted 6/27/2014 07:01 AM

Trying to put myself back there because so much has happened since. But after DD I thought I told him what I wanted but I didn't realise I didn't tell him what I needed.

I needed to feel safe and recover from the shock, I needed him to rebuild trust and show me he meant what he said. I still need this.

What actually happened was he (both of us to be fair) rugswept and tried to get on with our lives knowing he had 'chosen' me, I had forgiven him and we wanted to stay together.

Dealing with the fallout from the A isn't that easy or quick. And so we have only just started MC and really started work on R.

I'm not sure the 180 is what's required - he has to understand that you're not just over it and normal life resumes. Everything has changed and so you need to find a new way of being with each other - and that takes work. It sounds to me that he isn't prepared to work at this and he hasn't shown remorse.

Tell him how you feel and tell him what you need. If he can't give it to you then you can make a decision about the 180 to build your strength. It won't spoil the weekend it will be doing what you need to do.

Blanket posted 6/27/2014 10:11 AM

I think my H thinks he is doing and saying enough and all the right things . He says he loves me like it's the most obvious thing in the world and I'd be stupid for doubting it but I can SEE the doubt on his face! He is very difficult to approach and doesn't have any desire to talk about the affair as he thinks it should be put behind us -easier for him than me!! I just want him to TRY to get where I'm at and understand the damage that needs to be repaired and how he can do this but I have to pick my moments so carefully as to when to bring it up otherwise I get a negative response which makes me feel worse!! I asked hi. A few weeks ago to read some articles on line to help him understand but he has not done this.
I feel like my healing is in his hands but I don't get the chance to really lay down how it is, what I need and what will happen if he doesn't.

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