Tomorrow will mark one year since DDay#2. One year since I had to pack my things and end our marriage. Is it weird that I'm not even remotely dreading it... I'm almost looking forward to it.
I spent 5 very long years in False R. Years that were spent obsessing over his A, wondering about the first OW, worrying that there were other A's, feeling miserable and broken down. I didn't feel good about myself and I knew our marriage was over but I kept hanging on in the hope that he would realize what a precious gift I had given him to even consider R. I wanted so badly for him to give me worth.
This year has been a lot of just surviving, Lots of tears and frustration, as well. Some truly terrible things have happened. But, I made it. I've made it a whole year and I've kept moving forward. My marriage is over. It has been over for a long time and I'm okay with that. I don't want him back, I don't want that miserable existence where I'm constantly checking phones and emails, looking over my shoulder, feeling awful about myself every single day.
The only thing I really struggle with on a daily basis is knowing that I can never change the fact that we share children together. I still need to work on the guilt that I feel for providing my kids with a bad father. Even though I'm "free" from being his wife (well, as soon as we finally hammer out the final settlement and sign papers) and he can never hurt me with his lies and manipulations in that capacity anymore, it is still a challenge to know that he will never be fully removed from my life.
So, as I move into Year 2. I'm going to keep working on myself. Learn to empower myself and know that I have worth as a person. I have a right to be respected. I'm going to continue focusing on my children and being the best mom I can be for them.