Been 3 weeks since my 3rd DD. That DD had all the makings of DD #2 but elicited a very different response from within me.
I, true to form, have disected my "whys" of this sitch.
Here is where I am at.
Why did I check her laptop that day? Because I trusted my gut and chose to check. My gut is back baby! Trust in self was something I have wrestled with.
Why did I get angry and voice that anger to my wife so concisely and then was done with it? Because I understand the value of righteous anger and have learned this is an act of love....not a declaration of war. A love for myself, a love for my wife, a love for my family. Love as a choice is a weapon against CoD tendencies.
Why did I process through the pain to get to a peaceful existence while the conflict was yet unresolved? Because objectively, I understand the actions of my wife are all about her. They were while she was actively choosing adultery, and remain about her as she lurks his FB pasge. They are hers to own. She must search out her whys. I also had a promotional interview in 40 minutes, I have a family to provide for, and I have a life to lead. Anger carried any further would jeopardize the other parts of MY life. I chose not to allow my wifes destructive choices influence me to choose destructively....my actions, like hers, are mine to answer for. "I blew the interview because of my wife!"....is no more truthful than "I slept with another man because my husband doesn't take out the trash!"
Why did I choose to continue R?
It is also from wisdom that I can chose D.
Wisdom allows for healthy choices.
Here is a working definition of wisdom which ties into all of my above "whys".
Wisdom--Looking at life objectively, handling life with stability.
I lacked wisdom upon my first 2 DD's. Lots of reasons why....all tie into how I coped with life rather than processed life.
I missed opportunity after opportunity to choose differently most of my life....as did my wife. It was what we choose to do. No, my M was not ALL destructive. I mean we were just so ignorant to the pain and hurt I experienced during my formative years that I was not able to do any better. By coping with life I never allowed myself to experience parts of life...painful parts of life. As such, I missed opportunities to grow and GAIN knowledge. I as so hell bent on keeping peace....that I really lacked the wisdome to MAKE peace. KWIM?
"We do the best we can with what we know. Then when we know better, we do better."--Maya Angelou
My wifes affair was a trigger-point for me. It marks the time when lifes pain was so great that I had no choice but to face it. Lord how I didn't want to face it.
That pain of abandonment and rejection quickly rolled back and attached to childhood pain.
It was overwhelming.
This is what I had to experience to change.
My latest DD has confirmed that I have changed...that I AM changing.
It was step for step DD #2 all over again....my wife didn't miss a step...and yet a very different response was chosen by me.
I was able to feel extreme pain and remain stable. I did not disconnect from my pain, I honored it, but I also did not allow it to blind me to other choices. I did not have to react to my feelings...I could respond to the situation.
Still don't know if I got the promotion or not. But I do know I responded to "life" in healthy ways.
I modeled healthy behavior for my girls. I loved myself enough to not allow my wifes destructive choices to deter me from making healthy choices (porn not even a thought in my head....and I was feeling EXTREMELY isolated!).
It was like I had a chance to replay a game I had lost before, again. Pitch for pitch....with a very different outcome.
Another thought on wisdom.....
Wisdom is intelligence put into motion.
I knew what the right thing to do was, my feelings tried to influence me to do something else, but I did the right thing anyway..
Sometimes "faith" is the ingredient I have had to add when my "feelings" don't line up with the facts. So tired of allowing my feelings to be dictators in my life.....especially because a coming feeling is fear.
Dreadful thing.....to live life in fear.
God is with us all.