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User Topic: Wisdom....what is it? How do you know when you have it?
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been 3 weeks since my 3rd DD. That DD had all the makings of DD #2 but elicited a very different response from within me.

I, true to form, have disected my "whys" of this sitch.

Here is where I am at.

Why did I check her laptop that day? Because I trusted my gut and chose to check. My gut is back baby! Trust in self was something I have wrestled with.

Why did I get angry and voice that anger to my wife so concisely and then was done with it? Because I understand the value of righteous anger and have learned this is an act of love....not a declaration of war. A love for myself, a love for my wife, a love for my family. Love as a choice is a weapon against CoD tendencies.

Why did I process through the pain to get to a peaceful existence while the conflict was yet unresolved?
Because objectively, I understand the actions of my wife are all about her. They were while she was actively choosing adultery, and remain about her as she lurks his FB pasge. They are hers to own. She must search out her whys. I also had a promotional interview in 40 minutes, I have a family to provide for, and I have a life to lead. Anger carried any further would jeopardize the other parts of MY life. I chose not to allow my wifes destructive choices influence me to choose destructively....my actions, like hers, are mine to answer for. "I blew the interview because of my wife!"....is no more truthful than "I slept with another man because my husband doesn't take out the trash!"


Why did I choose to continue R?

Wisdom.

It is also from wisdom that I can chose D.

Wisdom allows for healthy choices.

Here is a working definition of wisdom which ties into all of my above "whys".

Wisdom--Looking at life objectively, handling life with stability.

I lacked wisdom upon my first 2 DD's. Lots of reasons why....all tie into how I coped with life rather than processed life.

I missed opportunity after opportunity to choose differently most of my life....as did my wife. It was what we choose to do. No, my M was not ALL destructive. I mean we were just so ignorant to the pain and hurt I experienced during my formative years that I was not able to do any better. By coping with life I never allowed myself to experience parts of life...painful parts of life. As such, I missed opportunities to grow and GAIN knowledge. I as so hell bent on keeping peace....that I really lacked the wisdome to MAKE peace. KWIM?


"We do the best we can with what we know. Then when we know better, we do better."--Maya Angelou

My wifes affair was a trigger-point for me. It marks the time when lifes pain was so great that I had no choice but to face it. Lord how I didn't want to face it.

That pain of abandonment and rejection quickly rolled back and attached to childhood pain.

It was overwhelming.

This is what I had to experience to change.


My latest DD has confirmed that I have changed...that I AM changing.

It was step for step DD #2 all over again....my wife didn't miss a step...and yet a very different response was chosen by me.


I was able to feel extreme pain and remain stable. I did not disconnect from my pain, I honored it, but I also did not allow it to blind me to other choices. I did not have to react to my feelings...I could respond to the situation.

KWIM?

Still don't know if I got the promotion or not. But I do know I responded to "life" in healthy ways.

I modeled healthy behavior for my girls. I loved myself enough to not allow my wifes destructive choices to deter me from making healthy choices (porn not even a thought in my head....and I was feeling EXTREMELY isolated!).

It was like I had a chance to replay a game I had lost before, again. Pitch for pitch....with a very different outcome.

Another thought on wisdom.....


Wisdom is intelligence put into motion.

I knew what the right thing to do was, my feelings tried to influence me to do something else, but I did the right thing anyway..


Sometimes "faith" is the ingredient I have had to add when my "feelings" don't line up with the facts. So tired of allowing my feelings to be dictators in my life.....especially because a coming feeling is fear.

Dreadful thing.....to live life in fear.


God is with us all.


[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:07 AM, June 27th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4134 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sadone29
♀ 38597
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reading a really interesting book by Osho called Maturity. I think you can swap the word maturity for wisdom in this case!

Here are a few quotes:

To grow old is not to grow up, to become old is not to become mature. Maturity has nothing to do with old age, nothing to do with age at all. Maturity has something to do with becoming more and more conscious, becoming more and more silent and aware, becoming more and more watchful of what you are doing and why, where you are going and why.

Maturity means becoming more conscious; there is no other way to become mature. I am not saying don’t commit mistakes, because that will not help. I am not saying avoid mistakes, no. I am saying whatsoever you want to do, do it, but do it very consciously. Bring your full being in it, so once done you can decide whether it is worth doing again or it is utter nonsense, useless; so once done you know whether it is a real diamond or just a colored stone.

To think that you know is to be immature. To function from knowledge, from conclusion, is to be immature. To function from no-knowledge, from no conclusion, from no past, is maturity. Maturity is deep trust in your own consciousness; immaturity is a distrust in your own consciousness. When you distrust your consciousness you trust your knowledge, but that is a substitute and a very poor substitute at that.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 816 | Registered: Mar 2013
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To think that you know is to be immature. To function from knowledge, from conclusion, is to be immature. To function from no-knowledge, from no conclusion, from no past, is maturity. Maturity is deep trust in your own consciousness; immaturity is a distrust in your own consciousness. When you distrust your consciousness you trust your knowledge, but that is a substitute and a very poor substitute at that.


Wow Sadone29!!!!! This is the way my journey has unfolded.

I had to look at my pride...which let me think I knew more than I did, which prohibited my growing.

I had to look at my analytical self...which let me dive into books and philosophy away my pain.

I had to look at my coping skills....which were developed in childhood and kept parts of me immature.

I had to look at my insecurities...which were a result of me not trusting myself.

SO GLAD YOU POSTED!!!!!!

Now.....do I jump into analytical mode or do I find the courage to act with the wisdom I think I have gleaned, and have faith it will work?


That is why I am "pleased" with the "opportunity" that my 3rd DD provided. I put my knowledge and experience to work....I used my wisdom!


Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4134 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm starting to purposely "not worry" about situations before they come up. I say to myself, "rachelc, you will know exactly what to do if x,y, or z happens" so then, that gives me peace....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5789 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
sadone29
♀ 38597
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad it helped blakesteele!

I remember early after DD I told H that my soul was mine, and he had no right to it and no right to harm me in this way. But it took me a while to realize what that really meant. Yes, my soul is mine, which means I'm responsible for myself. If I can't trust my own consciousness, I will keep getting carried away by the wind.

It's what we do with what happens to us that matters in the end. The serenity prayer helps with that. It's so difficult to accept the things I can't change. But I'm getting there.

edit to add: I'm also learning the difference between knowledge and my own consciousness. When I concentrate on knowledge only, I'm almost overcome with fear. The more I practice I get, the more I see the difference.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 12:00 PM, June 27th (Friday)]


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 816 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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