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I'm new, but I've been lurking for a couple of months. Im having a very bad day, so thought it might be a good time to post, and get some advice. I thought my H & I were vey happily married. Like most people we had a few issues, but I always thought we were very much is love, and that he was my soulmate. We've been married 27 years, and have a large family. Last Sept I learned he had had an A (many years ago), and it broke my heart. I never thought he would do something like that to me, since I 'thought' we were happy. The last 9 months have been pure hell for me. I feel like I've lost everything that mattered to me.
I thought we were trying to R, but I just don't think I can do it. On the one hand, he's been going to church, AA, reading books, and says he loves me, is sorry for the hurt he's caused me (etc, etc) ...but what he says and what he does don't always match up. Last night I found out he deleted texts from a female co worker, and lied to me about it. He says he did it to 'protect' me because he knew I'd be upset. Hell yes I'm upset, because he's still lying to me! I will never be able to trust him, and I just can't keep investing my heart into this, and being betrayed over and over again. Sometimes I read the posts on here, and I see how people are still suffering years and years after their D-day, and I just don't think I can do it. I'm so disappointed and heartbroken over it all. I cry all the time, and I feel like any small advances we made have been destroyed. If he really loves me, why does he keep hurting me so much? Im so close to just giving up, and honestly if it wasn't for the kids, I would have a long time ago. He says he loves me, but I just can't believe it anymore. I just can't understand how someone can say they love you, and keep hurting you.

Hugs!! You have every right to expect full transparency. If he can't have his actions live up to his words, how are you ever going to work through it? Are you both in MC and IC?

Hugs!! You have every right to expect full transparency. If he can't have his actions live up to his words, how are you ever going to work through it? Are you both in MC and IC?

He's given me access to everything, but just didn't think I was checking, I guess? Actually he does know I check, so I have no idea what he was thinking. He should have known he would get caught. We aren't in MC or IC, can't afford it, ..but we've been doing everything else I/we can think of.
I just don't know if its worth it anymore.

I don't understand it either - other than to say they must have some moral compass where they can ignore the hurtful things they do to their partner. I'm still trying to fathom how someone could be so manipulative in the case of my husband. Honestly I just never believed someone could be so hurtful.

OverIt27, I'm so sorry.
Things are not perfect between WH and I either, but MC has helped. We really can't afford it either, but there is a college not too far from here with a masters program of psychology so we are able to see one of the students at a very reasonable rate. Might be worth looking into, anyway. Even if your MC is not very experienced, it does help to have someone steer a conversation back on track or help you to figure out what question you are really trying to ask. That has been our experience, anyway.
Hugs.