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Plinker77 posted 6/27/2014 12:44 PM

I have been divorced for a few years as result of my WS (Wife of 8 years). Got burned, but the marriage was not going all. So anyway, dated a few women (I am 37). I recently have been dating a great lady, we have fun, its all great, kids know each other, make it easy. Here is the kicker-she openly admits on first date that she is divorced as result of HER being the WS. Like a punch in the stomach, ouch!. So openly explains how it came to be-lonely, terrible marriage, roommates not spouses and so on.......I am asking for some advice? I just rolled with it being that she totally shows remorse and it really eats at her. Do I run? I mean, I am not perfect.

Pass posted 6/27/2014 12:52 PM

You may not be perfect, but you are not a cheater who is making excuses. Did she, at any point, say, "I was an arsehole, and I would never do it again"?

If she told you this on the first date, it means that she thinks she has nothing to be ashamed of - and that it was all justified.

Dude, I would run. Run like the fucking wind.

She11ybeanz posted 6/27/2014 12:53 PM

I think you have to go with your gut on this one.... it sounds like she was making excuses even to you and justifying WHY she did what she did like, "Well, its okay because I was lonely....we were just like roommates anyways...blah blah blah" which sounds like rug sweeping more than remorse. I would be worried that if you got to a more comfortable place and your relationship continued over time that she may get the same boredom of the "every day life" and start straying again. I don't know if I could go there knowing that they were a WS. But, my WXH had ZERO REMORSE and justified his behavior and blame shifted the A on me making it my fault. So, that being would have to be a personal choice that you would need to make for you.

Follow your heart.....but listen to your never lies! Mine has always kept me in truth's path. Good Luck!

But, IMHO....I agree with Pass.... if she is opening telling you these things on a 1st date.....she is not ashamed of it... and it would cause great pause for me. I would probably run for the hills.....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:55 PM, June 27th (Friday)]

soulsearcher4 posted 6/27/2014 12:56 PM

What makes it bother you now more than then or leading up to now?

There are plenty of reconciled couples here. Just because she is a former wayward doesn't discount her as a person.

Granted, the title "former" is earned. With lots of work.

The best course of action? Talk to her. You don't say how long you've been dating but it seems like a long time with all the milestones you reference.

Just talk. We can answer this for you, but this really has to come from you. You have to read her and make sure she satisfies you in her progress.

Plinker77 posted 6/27/2014 13:09 PM

Thanks, here is a lil more info. Been dating about two months. Bothers me more now than then b/c I like her. I figured we would just hang out and whatever in the beginning but it led to more, mostly due to the fun we have together. She didn't bring it up on the first date, I specifically ask and she was honest and told me. I hammered her and she cried and said that she doesn't feel worthy of normal and is afraid no one will ever give her a chance. She never justified any of it, just helped me understand how it happened.

tabitha95 posted 6/27/2014 14:46 PM

Does it trigger you at all? Does it make you trust her less already?

Plinker77 posted 6/27/2014 15:18 PM

Yes, it does. Unfortunately

cayc posted 6/27/2014 15:39 PM

So openly explains how it came to be-lonely, terrible marriage, roommates not spouses and so on.

Those are all wah wah wah wah wah oh woe is me excuses and make me want to hurl. Those aren't the excuses of someone who wouldn't do it again OR has any insight into why they did it in the first place. And then the crocodile tears of no one will think she's worthy. Poor baby.

Well *is* she worthy? Did she admit those excuses were a cop out and she cheated because she had no boundaries and was selfish? And has she explained what she's done since to learn boundaries and not take the easy way out?


Your little brain over-powered your big one and you kept seeing her after this revelation and now it's a problem.

From what you've described, and the fact that you're uncomfortable enough to ask about it, it sounds like it's time to end this.

Plinker77 posted 6/27/2014 15:47 PM

cayc, you are right on the money......and no, she hasn't really spoke anymore about it. She will if I bring it up, but doesn't bring the topic up herself. It's kind of hard to just turn someone away that has been nothing but nice though. On the other hand, it's eating me alive....

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/27/2014 16:01 PM

So openly explains how it came to be-lonely, terrible marriage, roommates not spouses and so on.....

Interesting. It sounds like it was mostly her xH s fault! :)

I can't say it any better than Pass said it.

Dude, I would run. Run like the fucking wind.

Pass posted 6/27/2014 16:12 PM

On the other hand, it's eating me alive....

Does anything other than this really matter? Your gut is telling you to run, and you're looking for someone else to give you a reason not to.

If there's one thing I've learned since DDay - from my own experience AND from reading on this site - trust your gut, dude.

cmego posted 6/27/2014 16:55 PM

I've tried to date a WS, but I couldn't do it. He WAS remorseful and told me on the first date too...but I just couldn't do it. I knew he was capable of cheating.

What I told him was that he deserved to be with someone that was OK with his past, and I wasn't.

brokeninfl posted 6/27/2014 17:08 PM

I can't say it better than the others - but I'm totally in agreement.

I *think* I could date a FWS who really *got* it -- it might actually make me feel safer.

But, I think your setting yourself up - because her explanations don't sound like a WS who really gets it. She's sorry, but she hasn't worked on her issues - or it wouldn't all be issues on the outside that "caused" the cheating.

Good luck - and i'm sorry you are in this position.

ManBearDivorce posted 6/28/2014 15:53 PM

If she cheated once doesn't mean she would cheat again. There are people out there that can attest to that.

But then again if it still triggers you then I don't think you should settle for someone that will always trigger you. Move on and explain it to her. If she is remorseful then she would understand why.

InnerLight posted 6/29/2014 09:14 AM

I don't think once a WS always one. We have WSs on our forum here and they have changed. It's possible a WS is less likely to cheat again if they have learned out to speak up in a relationship and how to get out first if it can't be saved.

It sounds like this is really triggering you. Are you in IC? It would be a great time to work through residual trauma so you don't project your X onto this woman.

If she found herself in a loveless relationship or marriage, what would she do differently?

It sounds to me like she is ashamed. That's good to a point if it motivates her to better honest and communication skills in the future.

notmeanymore posted 6/29/2014 10:03 AM

I'm a single FWS.

I say you should not date her. Not because I believe her to be incapable of being in a healthy committed relationship, but because you are not capable of really giving her a chance. Which I am in no way judging you for. I can't say that I'd be all gun-ho to date another WS myself either. But you really seem to be struggling with it, and it's not fair if you're keeping this all buried and eventually it comes spilling out.

In my experience there are people out there who are willing to give her a chance. You just may not be one of them, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Plinker77 posted 6/30/2014 09:09 AM

Thanks a lot folks. I will think about it, talk to her and give an update. Again, thanks

strawblond30 posted 6/30/2014 20:31 PM

I know I cheated for revenge but I dont consider myself a cheater . That's touchy subject cus I would hate to be judged the way I would judge a cheater like my EX H . Go with your gutt .

Plinker77 posted 7/2/2014 14:41 PM

Well, in an hour we meet and I am going to explain the best way that I know how that I can't do this anymore. Thanks for everyones input!

thyme2go posted 7/2/2014 15:14 PM

Bro - go in with your ears and mind wide open.

Do not forget these are your words:

I recently have been dating a great lady, we have fun, its all great, kids know each other, make it easy


[This message edited by thyme2go at 3:15 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

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