THank you all for your replies. Sorry for so long to reply. I cant get on much.
Teach8, KatieG, blakesteel: I didn't the BH tell because the OW told people her husband beat her, that he threw things at her, that he was a Jekyll/Hyde personality. she told these things to the whole workplace. Her BH is an avid hunter as well. I envisioned this "angry" betrayer spouse coming and either demanding my H job or bringing a rifle to the workplace and shooting people up in anger. I now believe that was all lies about the mean BH. I think she said those things to get people to feel sorry for her and for her own justification for screwing other men. She has a reputation for having affairs with married men that she works with. I regret the decision not to tell. IT might have cost him his job and affected us all financially, but I still regret not exposing it all.
Also, I was intimidated. This OW was 22 years younger than me. She is skinny, pretty, professional nurse. Im an office worker. We could be her parents. I felt very intimidated by her. fWH said his heart was with her and he didn't want to break things off with her. I thought at the time that she had the advantage over me because she "had his heart". There were 16,000 texts in a 3 month period, phone calls every day. Meetings at work almost daily, and rendezvous for sex every weekend. I caught the affair 2 days after he'd brought her into our home and had sex with her in MY bed while I was out of town visiting my mother. I was totally devastated. I did everything wrong -- begging, pleading, reasoning. I didn't want to do anything to drive him away. I truth I should have pack my self and my kids up and moved out and moved on. I wasn't gonna give her anymore chances to come into my home. She wasn't gonna be texting my husband 300 times a day anymore. I was trying to stop at least what I could stop about the affair. I was fighting back to gain the advantage, so I thought.
MC does know he doesn't want to talk. She tried several times in counseling but he got really defensive. She tells me in solo sessions that he has played the "victim" for so long he seems to enjoy it. He was sexually abused as a boy and had an awful nasty bitter mother. So he does have issues.
I am stuck I think. I told him last night I didn't want to be married to him anymore. I wasn't happy and didn't believe I'd get past his affair. He tells me he's not letting go of me. that he loves me, and "please don't leave me". Honestly I don't know whats real or not with him. He stuffed things for so long, didn't talk to me, and tells me he was living a double life. How do I know when he's being real or fake? I really cant tell anymore. He's had me fooled for so many years. Even during the affair he was planning things on the surface with me. Making me think he wanted to do things like buy a farm but he was seeing her too, planning to have her on the side after his divorce was final. Here I was totally oblivious that he wanted a divorce. No one knew but he and the OW.
I went painshopping a week or so ago and looked at OW Pinterest page. She had posted some meme about loving her husband, her best friend, the man who brings out the best in her, blah, blah, blah. I was seething. I wanted to post a reply so badly! I wanted to call her BH then and there. I didn't, but it set me up to be hurt again. She's gotten of scott-free. That hurts. I shouldn't have looked.
blakesteel: I believe he has settled on the "I walked away from God" things. Its not sitting well with me. I have done a ton of work on me, looking at me. I've attending 4 weekend long workshops by myself and about a year of counseling to see my part in the breakdown of the marriage. We had our issues, but I honestly kept reaching out for him, expressing that I wanted to spend more time with him, that I wanted him to be more a part of our children's lives, that I missed him. I spent many evenings on the couch in tears asking him to spend more time with me and that I was lonely. He ignored me for about 5 years because of work. I should have been the one to have an affair if one was to be had. I kept planning things for us, for the family, asked him to go speak to men at church. He refused all of it and then had the nerve to say me not loving him was the reason he turn to OW. She listened to him -- I don't know how I could have listened anymore to him than I did. It really was his choice. He liked a younger woman paying attention to him. He simply didn't care. That is hard to swallow. I would love for him to realize that his coping mech's aren't healthy. Im not sure he'll even go there. Yeah --30 years! Probably longer since he was probably doing it before I met him. We are in our 50's so he's an expert at stuffing/avoiding.
Sometimes I almost wish he'd have another affair so I could pack and leave.