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Newest Member: Nathan (61870)

User Topic: Why is he reverting to old ways
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's weird and it really bothers me. He used to do this push-pull 'thing' where I would ask him, lovingly, if I could make him something to eat, he would say "no", and so I would go do something else. Then when I was doing something else, he would ask me if I could make him something to eat... but he would be really apologetic about it. He would say things like, "You know, I shouldn't ask you to do things for me - I can do it myself. I know you're busy." Then I would say, "No, I offered to get you something to eat. I want to." And it would be so aggravating because at the end of it I was making him something to eat, but I was left feeling like he thought I didn't want to and was just doing it to because he asked me to. He took away completely the gesture as a sincere act of love on my part, and left me feeling like he thought I was selfish and secretly hated to serve him, and him feeling unappreciated.

Post-A, he told me what he liked about OW was that she loved to serve him. She brought him food and groomed him, and she fetched for him, and they both basically treated each other like dogs getting stuffed on ego-kibbles. He used it to justify the A. He said I only did nice things for him because I had to, but with her it was just part of her nature. He is a HUGE "giver", and so they had this in common. So, that wasn't a great conversation at the time. I have always been a giver in ALL my relationships, but he never seemed to see it as that.

So a year later I am fluently speaking his "love language" - acts of service - and he is receiving it from me and mostly we both feel valued and appreciated. We have had conversations about this, and I thought this was something that had been healed between us. He actually lets me DO for him and I feel like he values and appreciates my love for him. Except, the last week he has been doing it again. Exactly that same thing. And I hate ět, and I don't know what it means. It feels like he is trying to emotionally distance himself from me, or devalue me, or something. I don't know how to confront it, but it feels like a bad sign.

Anyone relate to this?

Me: Believer, 40s
Him: Liar, 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R. It only hurts now when it rains.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you brought it to his attention that he's doing it again? Something must have triggered in him. I know what you mean should be so hard to communicate. I get so tired of trying to figure out what he's thinking,what he means, or if it's even how he really feels. Why is it so hard to mean what you say and say what you mean?

Posts: 1825 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 2

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