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Newest Member: Thranduilion (61515)

User Topic: The line between what to say and what not to say
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the first to admit I struggle with achieving all my goals. I am better at working toward things but not stating it as a goal.

If a friend is consistently saying one thing and acting another and their life doesn't change your life do you say something?

For example if they say they can't do something for X amount and is upset but then does y something that is more than X- do you point it out?

I think a great friend would but I don't know if that is true.

Where is that line? Then I think who am I to say- I see it as helpful but it could be perceived as meddling in someone's business but they are making it yours😁. Thsnks for the feedback!

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 12041
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My general rule is that unsolicited advice is unwelcome. Sometimes I have to bite holes in my tongue but unless someone is asking, I don't offer up an opinion. This rule goes out the window if they are in harms way or hurting themselves as an example. Otherwise I button up.
I learned the hard way. What I thought was helpful to my very gentle and kind younger sister,was just making her feel like I disapproved of her. And I don't. So I apologized and think way harder about what I say.

Go softly my sweet friend. You will always be a part of who I am.

Posts: 52155 | Registered: Sep 2006
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If its a really good friend, and I'm genuinely nonplussed by the behavior, I'll ask why. I won't do it just to be snarky.

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25302 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. It gives me a lot to think about.

I will ask if it continues but right now it mind sound judgemental.

You guys are the best!

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My general rule is that unsolicited advice is unwelcome.

I think this is probably true. Those who make choices are really just showing their priorities and they won't like it when you point out that even though they say "X" is important, they know deep down "Y" was more important to them.

My sister (who has similar income) always laments they can not afford to go on a vacation with us. Yet, they always trade up vehicles every couple of years. I drive a car for ten years or more and have no car payment. So it is all in priorities, not often whether they can "actually" afford something.

But it makes me downright mad when people claim they can't afford the basics, can't afford to pay back money they owe, can't take proper care of their children, yet they have the latest finest phones, shoes, clothes, video games, and seem to be able to afford to smoke and drink and have several pets, often large dogs which I know are expensive to care for.

So the answer to your question is, your friend's life is not going to change because she is living it the way she wants to; if you point out that she is prioritizing "Y" over "X" which seems to be contradictory to what she says is important, it will just make her angry and she still won't change.

Posts: 6826 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 43280
Member # 43280
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really try not to give advice unless it is requested. I don't think pointing this out would help the friendship.

BW: 42 (me)
WH: 45 (him)
Married 20 years
3 kids
D-Day: 4/7/14, 11 month LTA
Together- trying to R

Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 6

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